mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

I wish the game of Limericks

Would only need four lines

Then that would save on typing

and leave time for shoeshines.

I wish I were a wiener

And on the Danube be

So please don't wish my town goodnight

We waltz til half past three

I wish I were in Amsterdam

Relaxing with a spliff

I'd close my eyes and take a drag

And chase a hippogriff.

I wish a were Geordie (Kag S, Giert)

Hidden text

= From north-east England. Agreeable but incomprehensible speech, football-mad, often lacking both sobriety and appropriate clothing etc, etc.

With tons o' kegs 'o beer

I'd never share them with my friends

They're Southerners, thus queer!

Hidden text

[Rosie] Take that, old chum :-)

I Say, Porter!

I wish I were a Welshman

Brandishing a leek

I'd be "Leek King" of Casnewydd

And win races like a Greek.

I wish I played cassette tapes

With Dolby Stereo sound

CdM

But I have just my eight-track

And half a lousy pound.

I wish that pair would go away

You know just who I mean

I think that same thought every day

Whootz

It's not the king and queen.

I wish a were a candlestick

Hot wax poured down my body

Depilating furtively

I'd hate to be Bill Oddie oblig. What a load of rot. Can we please have some sense in limericks, if that's not an oxymoronic thing to ask?

I wish I was a ninja's sword

Most dangerous to wield

I'd snicker-snack 'til daybreak

While talking to the shield

The vole deserves a mention

For its green and frugal life

As also its fecundity

Who'd be the vole's poor wife?

Let's not forget the porcupine

He's sharp and to the point

But when it comes to making love

It takes much more than 'point and shove' point??? Also, *gets coat*

Now let us praise the noble eel

Anoint it with hot oil

Its slimy length slips down the throat

To in your tummy coil

eeeeuuuuwwwww
The river bed is home to chub

Chubby as chubs can be

A little maggot on a hook

Then supper - yes sirree

Now its time to talk of tench

But not of Angelfish

A tench is just a would-be carp

And makes a tasty dish.

Kim

Consider now the salmon

Darren

Which jumps upstream to spawn

It has no need for smutty books

Or any brains, just brawn

The cod, a northern waters type

Is tasty? No, that's just hype

But in its time its caused more wars

Than a baby's dirty dipe. Was struggling for a rhyme.

When the Northern Sea gets stormy

And the fishing boats are tossed

The humpback whales start singing

As the the cod find to their cost.

I wish I were a trawlerman Welcome back, Rosie

Battling the icy waves

CdM

But I am a much smaller man

A youth who rarely shaves

I wish these piranha lacked teeth

So they would not scan so badly

While swimming by the Barrier Reef

And masticating madly.

The way to treat a gentleman

To keep him on his toes

is to tap him on the shoulder

And recite some bawdy prose

A common chap, it must be said

Stands firm upon the ground

Knobbly

A baseball cap atop his head

His belly large and round.

A man with just a bit of class (or class, depends on where you're from as to how you say it)

Beats a man who just has none

He'll play down his credentials

But you'll know that you've been done

I wish I were an aardvark oblig.

Munching down on yummy ants

Instead I'm just a card shark

ImNotJohn

Five aces in my pants

I wish I were a kinkajou

It's such a cutesy word

The carcajou is just passé

A wolverine, I've heard.

Among the forest, lives something

Hidden text

It seems that sometimes when people try to rhyme the 1st and 3rd lines, the poems don't scan and they forget that the 2nd and 4th lines should rhyme.

With twenty thousand eyes

But the twenty thousand cataracts

Cause twenty thousand styes

The telly has a broken screen

The rain drips through the roof

There's dry rot in the window frames

Knobbly

And mildew on the pouffe

I wish I had a winning line

For my football pool do they still have those?

I'd keep my secret to myself

And count my cash, and drool.

I've bloody won the jackpot!

ImNotJohn

In my office sweep

I got the winning ticket

The prize? A blow-up sheep :-(

My di-ri-gi-ble ovine

Gives me a lot of fun

Confusing all the sheepdogs

Sensors (please excuse the pun)

Yesterday was my birthday

Whootz

The 27th one

Everybody ate lots of turkey

And learned how to write Glowworms

I wish I could knit sweaters

Or even crochet scarves

My bottom might not be so cold

Spang

I'll not do things by halves

penel

This trend for shortening player's names

Spang

Deserves a special mensh

Ra

It makes me an Egyptian god

Ros

But I am still a wench.

Phi

I feel like I'm a little Greek

pen

Mine suits my occupation

Soft

This looks much more malible

ImNot

But I'm just a negation

Cd

Run down and slightly suspect

Ph

And suffering with acid

FG

I'm not in my element

Sp

And not much good when flassid

SW

I wish I were in Lapland

FG

With Santa and his reindeer

Spa

I'd take a curing water bath SO looking forward to the rhyme match on the last line ...

Im

To get rid of this pain, dear

Tu

It seems quite elemental

Span

To measure stuff by hand

SW

But in case of more precision

Use a rubber band!

For a pet, I want a unicorn

A griffon or centaur

I shun such things as pussy cats

FGZstar

They leave me wanting more

I wish I were a shovel

In a brawny stoker's hand

Feeding hungry furnaces

CdM

Ah! Wouldn't life be grand!

I wish I were a Christmas pud too early?

Made by Blumenthal

Maybe I'd taste really good

If made in the fall!

FGZstar

It seems the snow has cleared at last

Or turnèd into slush

Both arms, one leg in plaster cast

Take heed: on ice don't rush!