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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Whatever it may throw at me
Inshallah. God is great.
I wish that it would pour with rain
Instead of slowly drizzle
My garden then would turn to mud
My bonfire quietly fizzle.
I wish I was a rocking horse
My sh*t would then be rare
The bookies would all hate me
But I really wooden care
I wish I were a dry-stone wall
Spanning hill and dale
Breaking wind from east and west -Loving your work chaps - specially on the last 6 :-)
So best not to inhale. (Chalky) Really! An' I fought you was a lady. :-)
I wish I were a mandible
Chomping down on chow
I hope there are no bones in it
If there is then I'll go "Ow!"
I wish I could articulate
And n-n-not sp-speak with a st-stammer
Then I'd say things with conviction
Such as "Hazel Blears, God damn 'er."
If anyone had warned me
That lard was bad to eat
I wouldn't now weigh twenty stone
And a heart that doesn't beat
I wish I had an extra ear
So I could hear the sound
Of one hand clapping in the woods
In glorious Sensuround©
I had a little nut tree
It bore a lot of stuff [unlike the one that bore 'nothing' - how mean-spirited was that?]
Such as gold and silver baubles
But still, it's not enough gimme gimme
I wish I was a lord-a-leaping
Over buxom wenches
Alas, I fell on one of them
With t*ts like Judi Dench's (Sorry - it was the cleanest of 5 versions I came up with)
I wish I was a thespian
On sunny Thespos isle
I'd sit and sip my ouzo
- I'm resting. Luvvie-style
I uttered a profanity
It rang throughout the room (Phil) She is magnificent, but alas no chicken.
My faux pas, a calamity
Will haunt me to the tomb
"Mum's the word," the vicar said,
"My wife must never know"
"That I'm a closet atheist"
But I just go with the flow
I wish I were old Santa Claus
My life would be so jolly
I'd spend my holly-days outdoors
A-drinking schnapps and bolly
My beard is long and fluffy
And my belly's wobbly
I rather fancy Buffy
But so does old Tom Cobleigh.
I wish I were a present
N'eer future, nay, nor past
The knife-edge moment that is life
Is over now. Oh blast.
I wish I were a great big toad (CdM) Don't do it. We love you really.
All slimy, green and warty
I'd feast on yummy damselflies
And end up fat and forty
I wish I wish I wish I wish
I wish I wish I wish
I wish a wishy-washy fish
Would wish a fishy wish
I wish the rain would stop a while
Then I could dry my hair - [irach, Phil] LOVE the wishy one :-)
A scarecrow's life is not much fun
And of me no-one does care Ahhhhh!
I do not want for anything
I've everything I need
A house, a car, a loving wife
And NO children to feed!
I wish I were a Christmas elf Kim, that's absolutely right
I'd sabotage the prezzies
A hand grenade inside a sock
Condoms for the lezzies. Not terribly witty, but there are precious few rhymes.
I make recycled paper [Rosie] Made me larf :o)
From things my cat brings me
My favourites are fur balls
For solvent, use its wee. Ever the chemist, alas. (pen) That's no bad thing this time of year, though I thought you laffed rather than larfed. :-)
I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
Well, oxidise some propylene (irach) You were warned. :-)
Through a palladium groove
I had imagined a different outcome for the above:

I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
'Cos I dress in women's clothes
My wife does not approve

Now moving switfly on ...

I wish I were in pantomime

I'd play Whittington's cat
With big black ears and boots and tail
And I'd hiss, and fiss, and spat.
I wish I were a cracker
Lit on Guy Fawkes Day
I'd jump and bang and generally
Make an nuisance until May.
I wish I were a snowflake
Perfection in my shape
I'd have no twin in all the world
No sibling I could ape
I know a lad named Calculus
Who knows how to integrate
His twin does cube roots in his head
That's how they differ-en-tiate
I have a suit of armor
It clanks like Puffing Billy
Made of chain and plate and scraps,
Don't dare tell me it's silly!
I have a great big knobbly mace
That lives under my pillow
I have it near me just in case
Should my bedroom monster bellow
I wish I were invisible
- A power I'd use for good
But efforts have been risible
I just can't drain myself of blood.
I wish I were knurlèd knob (RW) You from t'north?
Knobkierie or Shillelagh
I like to crush [Rosie]: Nope, I'm an American with a sense of poetic license. Even Shakespeare didn't always "rhyme" in the normals way.
the heads should be added. I'm sorry, I was in limerick mode...
Of those who mess with B Disraeli
yeah ... right, a bit crap, but it seemed a reasonable RHYMING option.:-)
I wish I had a dozen eggs
To chuck at Griff Rhys-Jones (RW) I know you're American - I was being sarcastic, because I'm a nasty old bugger. ;-)
And I'll have to use a dozen eggs [RW]No worries, love. ;) (Just to add to the confusion...)
To throw at them wot moans
I've eaten forty-one mince pies
My tummy don't feel well Just had one myself ;o)
I'll only have a couple more
So then I'll feel like hell
I am the forty-fourth mince pie
Why have I been neglected?
Is it because old Sweeney Todd
And the filler he collected.
There is a place in Missouri Let's see if y'all can follow the mispronounciation on that... Not that it has to be rhymed.
That's famed in rhyme and song
So thanks be to W C Handy . . . the bog's just round the corner . . .
We're bound to get it wrong
Chalky - I wish I'd been to Cambridge
But I was just too thick
So I got stuck at Oxford
And have no sense of poetry now. Yes, for those of you who don't know, that was intentional.
I wish I were a tiddlywink (Red Wolf) You're forgiven - this time. (Chalky) WC Handy wrote St Louis Blues, one of my favourites, but his name still makes me giggle a bit.
All round and red and shiny
Instead I am a poker chip
And doomed to igno-miny
I wish I had an Oscar Mayer
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