mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

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Pea and Honey Recipes

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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.

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But the limit to my manhood

Is sky-high 'cos I'm pervy.

I wish I were Hungarian

A Magyar through and through

I'd feed all day on goulash

Rhapsodise on paprikash too

I wish I had a caravan Would save all this 'Moving House' lark

The desert I would cross

I'd own ten dromedaries

Of which I'd be the boss.

I wish I were in Ngrongoro

A safari I would take

To see migrating wildebeest

(They take five hours to bake)

I wish I was a sofa bed

Of mighty width and girth

I'd still be quite uncomfortable

To someone giving birth.

I wish I was a colander It's a strain, it really is

Round and full of holes

I'd do my job hole-heartedly

And drain myself in bowls

I wish I was a clerihew

Fame and glamour as my theme

But peas and honey are my lot

The rest is just a dream.

Ii wish my lips were cherry-hued

And not just chewed and hairy

I'd do things that are very rude

To prove I'm not a fairy

I wish I were a piano string

A-stretched out very taut

I'd resonate in harmony

When e're I think I ought

I wish I were a sonnet

Five feet by fourteen long

I'd place my thoughts upon it

Whether right or wrong

I wish I were a limerick

Instead of four-line verse

My third and fourth lines would then rhyme

And scan, and be quite terse.

I wish I were more handsome

To pick up lots of girls

Their hearts I'd hold to ransom

As they'd run fingers through my curls

I wish I were a Hero

And pref'rably not dead

'Cos then I'd do heroic things

Instead, I stay in bed.

[CdM] Preview, idiot!

I wish that I had second sight wouldn't need preview then, would I?

As back-up for the first

Such fortunate clairvoyance

Makes one seem rehearsed.

I wish that I had stayed in bed

For getting up today

I strained my back and must sit down

O woe! Alack! Alay!

I do my homework nightly

Just to please my teacher

This essay is on Superman

She likes a Sci-Fi creature

I have no time for hypocrits

For I am free of cant

And I'm truly open minded

I am not prone to rant

My virtue is unparalleled

Yet my life is full of woe

It started when my ego swelled

Through doorways it won't go.

As God once said to Moses,

Take these tablets twice a day

And then, as one supposes

His command meant letters prey.

I wish I were a maggot

Impaled upon a hook

I'd tempt voracious fishies

With a come-and-get-me look

Heheh - last handful have been marvellous.
I have no use for peppermills

That grind exceeding small

I like my pepper crunchy

Of no pep-per at all

I used to be quite boozy (Chalky) The mind boggles

But now I'm on the wagon

Since then I got a floozy

Now I'm sober, she's a dragon

My name is Doctor Pepper

Academia's my domain

When students need a sugar-rush

They slurp my liquid cane

I wish I were a p'liceman

Carrying a truncheon

I'd bash the suspects in the cells

And then slope off for luncheon

[R, i, R & K] Perfect.
I wish I was a coathook

Inside a bathroom door

Upon which hangs your bathrobe

While you're clad with nothing more

I wish I were a mulberry

Hanging on a bush

Succulent and tempting

Until I turn to mush

I wish I was a teapot

Short and stout and hot

A bit like Harry Secombe

But then Welsh I'm not

I wish I was a surly wench

And you a handsome knave

But you are just a burly mensch

'Bout whom I cannot rave.

I wish I were a racehorse

I'd gallop like the wind

But after the five furlong post

This wish I now rescind.

I wish I had a beaten sword

My fields require the plough

So I'll see the local blacksmith

After I sell my sow

I wish I were a plumber

I'd plumb the ripest drains

My rods and hooks would rummage well

Who cares about the stains?
Tuj, Raak, Software, Rosie] Very nice.

I wish I were a chimney sweep

My face all smeared with soot

I'd stick my big brush up your flue (CdM) Cheers, and a belated plaudit for your burly mensch. V good.

Full length - that's fifty foot!

I wish I ware a stevedore

A-working in the dock

A deckhand or a roustabout

With one eye on the clock

I wish I were a poet

A job to which I'm not adverse

My couplets I would craft with care

My image I would nurse.

I wish I had a mandolin

To play and pluck and strum

I'd be just like Corelli

And play with just one thumb.

I wish I had a blue mohawk

And a beard dyed flaming red

With green-tinged skin and Vulcan ears

I'd look like I was dead

I wish I were a blowtorch

Carried in a plumbers bag

I'd be good at heated blow jobs....Coat!!!

But I'm really not a slag

I wish I had elastic arms

What mischief I could make

I'd be just like Mr Tickle® Roger Hargreaves

Unless your giggle's fake

I wish I were an apple pie

And you a pot of cream

I'm all fibre, you mere fat

But together we're serene

I wish I were a joint of lamb

Slowly roasting on a rack

You'd drool just at the thought of me

And the cutlery attack

I wish I were a polyglot

Familiar with tongues

I'd speak to all the world with ease

In places quite far flung[s]

I wish I was a prophet

A soothsayer or seer

I'd outdo Nostradamus

And on TV appear. (Softers) I note with approval that the adjective "agrees" with the noun.:-)

I wish I was a fountain pen

Filled full of blackest ink

Your shirt pocket I would stain with glee

I then get binned, I think.

I wish I had three wishes

And that, in all, makes four.

A wine-jug, loaf of bread, and thou

Submissive on the floor coat!

I wish I were in Birmingham

A-visiting my mama

Her name is Marlene, as you'd guess

And Daddy's name's Osama

I wish I had a wishing well

For then I'd make a wish

What it is I just can't tell

Being indecisive(-ish).

I wish I didn't have to wish

I'd like to trust to fate

Whatever it may throw at me

Inshallah. God is great.

I wish that it would pour with rain

Instead of slowly drizzle

My garden then would turn to mud

My bonfire quietly fizzle.

I wish I was a rocking horse

My sh*t would then be rare

The bookies would all hate me

But I really wooden care

I wish I were a dry-stone wall

Spanning hill and dale

Breaking wind from east and west -Loving your work chaps - specially on the last 6 :-)

So best not to inhale. (Chalky) Really! An' I fought you was a lady. :-)

I wish I were a mandible

Chomping down on chow

I hope there are no bones in it

If there is then I'll go "Ow!"

I wish I could articulate

And n-n-not sp-speak with a st-stammer

Then I'd say things with conviction

Such as "Hazel Blears, God damn 'er."

If anyone had warned me

That lard was bad to eat

I wouldn't now weigh twenty stone

And a heart that doesn't beat

I wish I had an extra ear

So I could hear the sound

Of one hand clapping in the woods

In glorious Sensuround©

I had a little nut tree

It bore a lot of stuff [unlike the one that bore 'nothing' - how mean-spirited was that?]

Such as gold and silver baubles

But still, it's not enough gimme gimme

I wish I was a lord-a-leaping

Over buxom wenches

Alas, I fell on one of them

With t*ts like Judi Dench's (Sorry - it was the cleanest of 5 versions I came up with)

I wish I was a thespian

On sunny Thespos isle

I'd sit and sip my ouzo

- I'm resting. Luvvie-style

I uttered a profanity

It rang throughout the room (Phil) She is magnificent, but alas no chicken.

My faux pas, a calamity

Will haunt me to the tomb

"Mum's the word," the vicar said,

"My wife must never know"

"That I'm a closet atheist"

But I just go with the flow

I wish I were old Santa Claus

My life would be so jolly

I'd spend my holly-days outdoors

A-drinking schnapps and bolly

My beard is long and fluffy

And my belly's wobbly

I rather fancy Buffy

But so does old Tom Cobleigh.

I wish I were a present

N'eer future, nay, nor past

The knife-edge moment that is life

Is over now. Oh blast.

I wish I were a great big toad (CdM) Don't do it. We love you really.

All slimy, green and warty

I'd feast on yummy damselflies

And end up fat and forty

I wish I wish I wish I wish

I wish I wish I wish

I wish a wishy-washy fish

Would wish a fishy wish

I wish the rain would stop a while

Then I could dry my hair - [irach, Phil] LOVE the wishy one :-)

A scarecrow's life is not much fun

And of me no-one does care Ahhhhh!

I do not want for anything

I've everything I need

A house, a car, a loving wife

And NO children to feed!

I wish I were a Christmas elf Kim, that's absolutely right

I'd sabotage the prezzies

A hand grenade inside a sock

Condoms for the lezzies. Not terribly witty, but there are precious few rhymes.

I make recycled paper [Rosie] Made me larf :o)

From things my cat brings me

My favourites are fur balls

For solvent, use its wee. Ever the chemist, alas. (pen) That's no bad thing this time of year, though I thought you laffed rather than larfed. :-)

I wish I had some acetone

Nail varnish to remove

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