mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

Attached to some foul-smelling soap

Just rotting in my shower

The stench doth overpower. This is not meant to be limerick, boys and girls.

I wish I knew my rhyme schemes [Irouléguy] Real life is much the different

My metres and my feet

My triolets and sonnets

That'll keep my scansion neat

Arse! I suck at this, sorry guys and gals.

It's fine - just needs a line break

I Say, Porter! - Arse! I suck at this
sorry guys and gals
Irouléguy - I need a little practice Tuj] As it was in my day ;)

And help from all my pals

I wish I were a hailstone (ISP) Noble contrition, finely expressed. :-)

A-falling from the sky will this do?

I'd try to land on some poor sod

Uncle Korky

And catch 'em in the eye

I'll no more go a-rovin'

'Cept for my rovin' eye

Just mentally undressing

Those on whom I spy. (ISP) Faultless :-)

Allow me

Though technically faultless

There's moral issues to pursue deep and meaningful, this

It has to have the spirit

And needs a dab of glue

This Lenten entertainment

Which I will not give up

Involves champagne and a juicy steak

And lots of beer to sup

I wish that it was Easter

With chocolate eggs all round

(Ellipsoidal, actually)

Let pedantry abound

I wish I were a teledu

Making nasty smells

I'd enter small closed spaces

And stink out Tunbridge Wells.

I wish that I could teleport

Like the people on Star Trek

I'd port to Angelina Jolie's bed

And shout out 'Flippin' Eck!' Bad line, Softers. What's that fat-lipped looney got to do with anything on here? Maybe she's one of your fantasies, but she isn't mine!

I wish that Angie's luscious lips

Graham III

Were planted on my cheek

Or perhaps in other places

That make my legs go weak.

I wish I'd eaten rather less

Of Auntie's rhubarb crumble

It sits inside me like a stone

I can hear my innards rumble

Would you book me an interview?

My current job is boring

I sit among the grey-faced throng

But long to break my mooring.

[R,T,R] Oooh... touching. I actually *do* have an interview on Friday...
I wish that I had chicken soup

Instead of orange squash

But then this straw would be no good (pen) Go for it.

Unless it's cold chicken Borscht

We hope you pass the interview

And make a great impression

You should avoid your Clement Freud

It gives us all depression

If I had 14 fingers

(More than I really need)

I'd be a great guitarist

A dexterous one indeed

If I were in the cabinet

Blair's, or a wardrobe too

I'd surely be kept in the dark

And like mushrooms, fed on poo [irach] a bit of shoehorn required to make that line fit and make sense there, donchoo think? Otherwise, onwards and upwards chaps. Keep together. A-one, A-two, A-one-two-three-four

I wish I was a petrol gauge

That told misleading tales

Like five instead of fifteen quid

A way of boosting sales. By volume, anyway. Two sorts of petrol gauge here.

I wish that pen will tell us

A story that is true

nights

That's nothing like her normal brand

I'd duck if I were you.

I laughed...
I wish I was a Liar

And my nose was five yards long

I'd poke it up Lord Archer's bum

'Cos he says it doesn't pong But we all know about him, don't we boys and girls?

I wish I had a wishing well

I'd drop coins in it an hope

Hrmph!
Tuj - I wish I had a wishing well
Software - I'd drop coins in it and hope

And if my wish did not come true

I'd throw tantrums and mope

I wish I wasn't here right now

I'd rather be in Derry

Irach

And I wish I wasn't Tom the cat

'Cos he's from County Kerry

I wish I was a barnacle

Adhering to the bottom

And when they came to scrape me off

I'd shout and scream, God rot 'em.

I wish I were an ocelot

I'd slink around my prey - [Am loving the last two - kudos all round]

I'd sleep in trees - I'd doss a lot Wossa kudo? Is it like a podume?

That's how I'd pass my day

I wish I were a kinkajou

Dweeling in the trees [Rosie] Japanese ideal based on the inherent idea of podumes without the physical objects themselves

My dweel would scatter down to earth

And make capybaras sneeze

Oh, dweel

While dweeling round the whipple tree

Parailing all I'd wotten (Tuj) Ah!

I groiled a nupthuck's pack o' three

Which craulked me something rotten :-(

[R, R, K, C] I'm reminded of Kandra Woods, a game of Jabberwockian verse I've only encountered as part of the currently dormant* Furcation Game but a full version of which took place at MCiOS (also currently dormant**). Doesn't meant I shouldn't have checked my spelling though :P

* a bit hopeful: approaching 1000 days since the last move!
** hopefully dormant on a far, far lesser magnitude

Shall we continue in the same vein for a while?

I wish I were an actroblub

Or knew just what one was

[IS,P] Hmmph .. don't wanna play, eh? NOW what do I do? Carry on regardless Jabber-stylee [as Kim suggested] or attempt to follow your lead? Friday mornings are simply not designed for such decisions :-)

[Chalks] I'd argue that this one could be continued with an attempt to define an actroblub in the Jabba style.

Chalkers

[Ispers] Good argument :-)
I wish I were an actroblub
Or knew just what one was
My quoil stope seems to fit the bill

I'm absolutely pos.

The quirly bims of Ishtaru

Upon the city wall

Their ush-hahas all vixy blue (ISP) There y' are - it's a quoil stope. Say no more. But for the "t" it could be the kids next door - Extreme Crying.

I'd love to paint them all [Chalks] Ispers? Lovely!

Of all the strogs in London

And Witney Scrotum too © Peter Tinniswood, I have to admit.

The Glob, of Hurley Pustulae

looks most of all like you.

The plimp-kneed zilk of Trescoreen

Whom some may july april

Will never gretch the flommits of

Gremlits naar the burbling rill

'Tis time, methinks, to discourse

'pon brassicas and Georges

Legumes and tubers

Pah! wrong scan

Kim - 'Tis time, methinks, to discourse
Irouléguy - 'pon brassicas and Georges
Software - Let's consider legumes too

Graham III

and sounds of Victor Borge's
*sssssssswish pop*

I like the old tradition

Of rhyme that scans with sense

nights

As for all this modern stuff,

'Twill be banished hence.

I wish I were clairvoyant

For I'd like to foresee

Which witches might be buoyant

And which we'd drown with glee.

I wish I were a hampster

Or a furry hamster too

Or a furry, furry hamster

And hampster coloured too

I wish I wore a witch's watch

Upon my gnarlèd wrist

My timings I would never botch

Appointments never missed

I wish I had a second head

So no need of forked tongue

As such, I've just a second hand

And also a third lung

I wish I were a sewer pipe

A-shifting Mersey trout

My belches, feculently ripe,

Would noxious vapours spout

I wish I were a music box [R,S,R,i] Bizarrely delightful!

So easy to wind up

Thus people would oft take me

For a playful singing pup. - sorry - I posted just to get rid of the darn thing. Not the easiest line to follow, Monsieur Softers, am wondering if you had a final line in mind when you posted?

I Say, Ruler!

I wish I weren't an England fan

It's getting somewhat bland

Whether soccer, cricket, rugby

So best stick head in sand.

I wish I were an Irish man

I'd have the name O'Reilly

And cheer the boys at Croker Park

Because I'm really smiley :-)

I want to have a raison d'étre

But sadly can't speak French;

Instead, I'll eat this raisin bread

Je mange, donc je suis wench.

Irach

I wish that I could sprachen Deutsch

And read Immanuel Kant

Es wäre gut, and would bear fruit

And like Hitler I would rant

Я не говорю по-русски - that's 'ya nye gavaryou pa russkie' (I don't speak russian)

And have never wanted to

Except when calling up a Huskie

For a bit of how-de-do

I wish I were an isobar

Behind Susan Powell's back

gil

I'd pluck a string on my guitar

Then give her bum a whack

I wish I were a bandicoot

(a bonzer Aussie mammal)

I'd live inside a handy boot

And coat it with enamel moving along...

I wish I were a roundabout

In scenic Swindon Town

I'd be adorned with traffic lights

And make the drivers frown

I wish I'd find a dodo bird

And teach it how to fly

Alas, such thoughts are quite absurd

Can't find one -- wonder why?

I wish I were a traffic cop

I'd stand right in the road

Gesticulating wildly at

Your girlfriend's outsize load

I wish I were a toothbrush

And you were my false teeth

I'd brush up against you gently

In Morningside or Leith

I have no need for silicone

I'm all up-front, you see

My hair and teeth are still my own

And my feet I still can seeThere you go again, Chalks, making us boys all excited ;o)

If I had a ham sandwich

I'd throw away my Spam

And with a ripe tomato

Choke that bastard Sam-I-am. What an irritating sod.

I wish I had some lemonade

For I am truly parched

I'd drink it mixed with English beer

To keep my top lip starched

I wish I had some creme brulée

And here's the reason why;

I love to crack the skin on top

It's crispier than pie

I wish I had a napkin now

Because I've spilt my milk - Tuj First Line Takeover eh?

There's no use crying over it

I am not of that ilk Limited opportunities there, Chalks

Running the line:

I wish I were a footballer Keeping Tuj at bay .....

Who scored a winning goal

I'd slide ten yards upon my knees

And then whip out my pole I'll get me coat.

I wish I wasn't always first Just seems to keep happening...

One could always miss a turn

But MC⁵ is addictive
And I am slow to learn

There, can't be my go now.

I wish I were a magistrate

Then yobs I'd really hammer

I'd put them all in clink for eight

In the Sing-Sing slammer

I wish I were a biscuit tin *sigh*

And you a custard cream

Within I would enclose you

gil

In my snack housing scheme.

I wish I were a piece of cake

I'm easy, will that do?

But do take care, for I've got nuts

And could taste salty, too best just to spit.

I wish I were a sock puppet

Like Sooty, Sweep, or Soo

I'd sock it to 'em Muppets

And Punch and Judy too

I wish I were a tuba

Of highly polished brass

Eighteen feet of convolution

Designed to play 'Whispering Grass' Ladies & Gentlemen Mr. Don Estelle. Don't all leave at once.

I wish I were a raindrop

Falling on your nose

I'd make a splash and trickle

Like dew upon a rose

I wish today was Saturday

And that this month was June

The year was nineteen fifty-two Get out of that, y' buggers. :-)

Tonight there's a half moon only if it's the 14th though

I wish it were the fourteenth day

Of my two-week detox

I'd celebrate the standard way:

Oh, what a paradox!

I wish I was a lemon rind

Fruity, empty, yellow

Like Bognor on an April day

Where old farts rant and bellow.

[i;D;IS,P!;R] Splendid
I wish I were a German car

Assembled in Bavaria

Mein engine would be wunderbar

Mein driver's seat is chairier.

Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate

Oops...
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate

Is a curious ester

Its use is as yet inchoate Come on, Raak, what are the positions of the bloody methyl groups, 3,5 or 2,4? This recipe cannot be completed without this info.

P'raps Raak is a jester

I have a simple view on life

You're born, you live, you die.

You may give rise to others

Whereby some may wonder why

If I were a mocking bird

I'd know just whom to mock

They'd be mainly politicians

I'd start with Mill and Locke

I wish I were a drainpipe

Quite narrow, dank and long

Then proverbial rats up me would run

While I did sing this song:

Such joy to be a drainpipe!

My rapture knows no bounds!

I'm such a lovely conduit!

No cloudburst me confounds! Is there a chorus?

[Rosie] I think that was it.

I reach from ground to rooftop high

From guttering to drains

Around me winds wisteria

Which drips down when it rains

Chorus: Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I'm fond of my co-drainage chums

Fine sewer grates and gutter

We hardly ever get clogged up

With unwanted clutter

*

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

*

I've featured in a magazine

Been "Drainpipe Of The Year"

And after people drink a lot

Into me they will pee(r)

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I love those sudden downpours

My joy it overflows

I never leak a single drop

Down to earth it goes.

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

But hailstorms do confound me

They rattle down my spout

They chip my lovely paintwork

Then I don't smile, I pout
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I may be getting rusty

Inside but not without

For I've a coat of Hammerite

Which gleams; there is no doubt

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

When Autumn leaves are falling

And over-gorge my spout

A man appears with rods and stuff

To clear the debris out
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

My little friend the gutter

Pours his fluids into me

Which makes me quite excited

As I gurgle in glee
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

My joints are tight and sturdy

My brackets are secure

Truly I'm a fixture

Proud and British to the core!

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've taken out a policy

Against retirement day

For in the end I'll turn to rust

And then be thrown away

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I wish it weren't so very hot

It really is quite steamy

I think a storm is brewing here

As I cook my sashimi

I wish my feet weren't quite so wet

They smell like old cheese drenched with sweat

However, my socks

Smell of cream cheese and lox I'm presuming we're having a brief foray into the world of limericks today? :-)

I've worn them two months, for a bet. [Phil] Double helpings of weirdness, after the cooking of sashimi - yuk!

I wish I were a sunshade

Shielding folks from glare

I'd filter out those UV rays

So they would all stay fair.

I wish I were a vulture

I'd circle 'oer my prey

'Cos carrion's my culture

But Zebra's not kosher. Oy vey!

I wish I were a leprechaun

Or perhaps a little pisky

I'd play my pranks from dusk to dawn

And then get smashed on whisky

I'm glad I'm not a postman

Being bait for growling dogs

I'd need my running shoes on

Not these stupid ****ing clogs

I wish I were a bullfrog

A-croaking in the reeds

I'd leap and scare old ladies

They'd go weak around the knees

I wish I was a frog, turned prince

Once kissed by my true love

But, woe, a frog remain I, since

She gave me the shove.

I wish I had some customers freelancing, eh? Who'd do it if they weren't desperate?

I'll just go out and grab 'em [pen] been there, done that, its hard work but you can work your own hours and have long holidays, trouble is, holidays cost you money :o(

I'll delve into their wallets
Find fivers, and I'll nab 'em that's an horrendous rhyme you gave us, Softers!

I wish I were a reference book

For field mycologists

With coloured plates of nasty moulds

And endless Latin lists

I wish I were a tapeworm

A good fifteen feet long

I'd curl around inside your gut

reciting Patience Strong

I wish I was a washing line sales of clothes pegs up 1400% over the past year, say ASDA. A result of wanting to 'go green', or of escalating fuel prices making it too expensive to run a tumble dryer? Personally, I have always pegged out...

Festooned with all your knickers

My gentle parabolic form Don't tell me it's a catenary - it ain't.

Admired by passing vicars

I wish I were a thunderbolt (irach) Rather nice. (pen) Me too. But have you got wooden pegs?

Then through your roof I'd crash My missus wants a tumble dryer because she believes that the towels would be *fluffier*. I say bollocks, and that they would be worn out quicker at great expense. Over my dead body, in fact.

I'd sent a jolt right through your head

And turn your brains to ash.

I wish I was a dolly peg [Rosie] Some are. I think dolly pegs snag as you shove them on, so I prefer the spring-clip ones. I have some wooden, and some jaunty coloured plastic.

On Blue Peter I would star [pen] I am old enough (and so too is Rosie ;o) ) to remember the gypsies knocking on one's door trying to sell them!

They'd make me into something nice (pen) You don't mean these, do you? (Softers) Yes, I remember them, too. BTW on this machine your small font is almost unreadable but better in italics.

A Dolls House or a Car [Rosie] Hmm. No, I didn't, I meant the clothes peg dollypeg. If you google image 'dolly-peg, you get both kinds.

I wish I was a polliwog

Swimming in a pool of slime Actually, what Rosie drew is a 'dolly' for a dolly tub, not a dolly peg.

Just like our dear Prime Minister (Softers) Some young girl nicked my monicker. No respect.

He does it all the time

I have no need for artifice

Toujours au naturel

Quite basic and right down to earth

That sweaty stink of hell

Your house, in my opinion,

Is just a bit de trop

The portcullis, moat and drawbridge

Will simply have to go check French scansion

I wish I did like esgargot

And did not boke at snails

But those slimy little gastropods

Taste just like puppies' tails.

I'm rather fond of mange tout

But hate the smell of swede I don't actually. Love it. Arrrr.

All brassica is just divine

Botherer

But man, just taste this weed.

In honour of penelope's recent revelation that she may soon be seen in a Dutch cap-acity...

Botherer

What?

I wish I were in Amsterdam Certainly has a deal of attraction from where I stand

From where the tulips come

I'd try to speak in double Dutch

What is the word for 'bum'?

[pen] Easily done online. Take your pick: achtereind, achterste, bips, gat, kont, staartstuk, zitvlak

I wish I didn't have the gout

It makes my tootsies hurt My cousin has had it. Riotous living, being a solicitor.

I might have swallowed too much stout

Then try taking St John's Wort

I wish I were a diction'ry

Then I'd not be lost for words

But if I were a lavat'ry

I get sat on by birds resorting to Cockerney argot to avoid obvious feedline

s/I/I'd

gil

I wish I had an iPod

For every time I've heard:

Why Apple™ is so wonderful

Despite not having Word.

I wish I were a firework

Waiting for ignition

My stick stuck firmly in the ground

Will jeopardise my mission You put the stick in a tube stuck in the ground as it goes up with the body of the rocket, Softers. If you stick it in the ground, the rocket ain't going anywhere.

[pen] firework isnt = rocket, indeed some fireworks require the sticking-in-the-ground simply because it's safer that way, but I see where you're coming from

[pen]I thought it was a neat finish :o)

Software - I'm glad I'm not at Wimbledon

Where wind and rain prevail

Much nicer to sit snug at home

With a tankard full of ale

I wish I was a centipede