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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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I'd flash in public places
Pedestrians would stop for me
Except in special cases
I wish I were a ping-pong ball
A-bouncing to and fro
with topspin, backspin, swerve and dip
I'd get a headache though
I wish I was your car keys
A-sitting in your pocket
About to be inserted
In your neat little socket
I wish I was a humming bird
My little wings I'd whir
I'd drink my weight in sugar
In a jade and turqoise blur
I wish I was a gramophone A GRAMOPHONE??
With varying R M P
[Chalky] RPM?
Rosie - I wish I was a gramophone
Chalky - With varying R P M - [Raak] doh :-)
And an eight disk stacker
Hey, I had one of them!<
I had a little lens brush
Its bristles were all fine
No matter what I did with it
My glasses failed to shine
I had a little nut tree
But nothing would it bear
Despite its coy expression
I overheard it swear.
:-) :-) :-)
I had a little atom bomb
I lent it to a mate
I had to make him promise that
He would not make us late. (in the Slartibartfastic sense.)
I drank a little brandy
From a crystal glass
It made me feel quite randy (oblig.)
Clary, watch your arse. Alas it is I, Rosie.
I wish I wasn't an old bloke
But young sprightly and gay
I'd give someone a bold poke (irach) Are you?
If they suggest I'm fay
If I were not a lawyer [oldblokes] Is there a minimum age limit to join your club?
I'd be a hypnotist
I'd go to trendy night-clubs Pretty sure I shouldn't have been involved in that last one
And hope to be note-issed. Less than perfect....
I wish I were made of metal (Kim) We welcome fogeys, old and young.:-)
And polished every Tuesday
I'd shine out like a shiny star - is this going to hang around for ages because it's an impossible rhyme?
On National Shiny Shoes Day
I'm glad to be a fogey
With collar, tie and spats
I'll sit and smoke my meerschaum
And curse all youthful brats - Oh well played, Phil!
I'm proud to be a girlie-girl
With pigtails oh so cute Thanks, Chalky, although I must acknowledge inspiration from Sting's "Spread a Little Happiness"
I'll simper and I'll curtsey Chalky, Phil] Sorry, wasn't thinking
But never will I mute
I wish I were more hirsute
With inch-long body hair
Instead I'll make a fursuit
To look like Yogi Bear
I wish I were the Albert Hall
Imposing, tall and round
I wouldn't be the Carnegie
Which has a nasty sound
I wish I were a teapot stout
Nestling in a cosy (irach) You didn't mean a teapot spout, did you? :-)
[Rosie] No, I did mean "stout", as in "I'm a little teapot short and stout, Here's my handle, here's my spout", which incidentally was my first theatrical role as a Kindergarten thespian many moons ago :-)
Dispensing comfort through my spout
- A lovely cup of Rosie! - sorry - couldn't resist
I wish I were a thespian
who played great tragic roles
I'd wow the crowd with my King Lear
Wealth and fame my goals. (Chalky) You haven't met me yet. :-). (irach) I know the one.
I wish I had more energy - [Rosie] and sadly it's looking doubtful now :-(
I'd join the local gym
But sadly I can't move at all
Let alone get trim. (Chalks) Bad news. Hope things improve.:-)
If I were not a brickie
A surgeon I would be
I'd bin my dirty dungarees
'Fore knocking off at three.
If I were not a shot-putter
The hammer I would chuck
I love to swing things and to hurl
And especially sling the muck
whoops :0
If I were not a footballer
No-one would know my name
No Spice Girl would come close to mei
So darts would be my game
If I were not a vicar
I'd still wear my dog collar
I got it cheap on Ebay
But the postage cost ten dollar
If I were not a blogger
I'd have no lady friends
But still I'd sit at my PC
And... well, now that depends...
If I were not a toyboy
I'd be a lumberjack
But not in women's clothing
'Cause a gusset it doth lack
Once I had a little cat
I taught it to drink beer
It used to sit upon the bar
With a 'nebriated leer
I wish I were a b'nana
Yellow, smooth and bent
Served up to a b'wana
In Tangier or Tashkent
I'm glad I'm not a toadstool
Elves and faries I do hate
I'm not a sprite's umbrella
But do help toads to mate.
I wish I wish - oh, HOW I wish
That I was ten years old
And didn't have to go to work
Or do as I am told
I wish I were a worker bee
I'm sick of being Queen
I'd have a much less regal head
Not just be an egg machine.
It only takes an hour or so
To wait for sixty minutes
But since e=mc squared
We must work within the limits
I beat my fleas with money
I do it with my wife
That's not to say my wife's a flea
Its just safer than a knife
As I sat, sad and lonely
Just staring at this page
I thought of all my work to do
As this site's hermitage
At* At* At* dammit!
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter (Ahem..., returning sheepishly, but emboldened)
And str-struggle with my lisp
The www.ords I try to utter
Resemble will-o'-wisp - Phew, that was a struggle - thanks Softers me old mate for a great rhyming challenge :-)
My joints are nearly ready
To tackle Pen-Y-Ghent
Such challenges are heady
When both your knees are bent
I wish I were a footpath
Leading down the glen
A path to tread with measured gait
Just ev'ry now and then
I wish I were an earwig
In fields quite near to Hülen
Rather than being a mere Whig
I wouldn't look so sullen...time for bed..
I wish I were a keyboard
A qwerty one, in fact
With UK English atributes
Like a ' below the @
I wish I were a springbok
With a very springy gait
'Cos cheetahs can't half motor
And slow bods all get ate
I wish I were a ptarmigan
'Tho based somewhere down south
I'd get myself some Dixie chicks
And feed them "nil by mouth"
I wish I were a tuning fork
Which posessed a perfect pitch
I'd hum so sweetly at your touch
You sexy, dirty bitch. ... mine's on the penultimate peg ...
Is this the last of Glow-worm rhymes?
Or will there be yet more?
If so, let our poetic crimes
Offend the Cres' no Mor
I wish I were the last Glow-wormer
Or do I wish I was?
All good things must end, I fear
And why? Well - just because
The time for limericks has come
This sojourn has been pleasant
So fare thee well our glowing worms
I'll just say Mornington Crescent - even though it doesn't scan
hmmm - perhaps it's a sign that we must carry on :-)
While waiting for a signal
From Humph-er -ry the great
I partook of some escallops
Which normally I hate
I bought my niece a rabbit
She poked it with a stick
The bunny jumped to grab it
And then my niece was sick
I wish I only had one pub
And opened nine-to-five
I'd close for lunch twixt twelve and two
Being most conservative. G & S invoked.
I wish I were a minstrel
Then I would stroll and sing
Alas, most would ignore me
But for me the art's the thing.
I wish I were an android
All gleaming chrome and steel
But I would need an oil can
Or else I'd clank and squeal.
My pea and honey recipes
Contain no MSG
They're simply peas and honey
That's good enough for me!
I wish I were immortal
So I could never die
I'd never be in history books
But noone would wonder why
I wish that I were Peter Noone
Of Herman's Hermits fame
I'd sing lots of cheesy songs
And mispronounce my name
I wish I were a document
Ornately sealed with wax
But being waxed will cause a prob;
I'll melt inside the fax
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
Stole young models away from Manet
*ahem* Limerick alert, young [Irach]. Allow me.
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
The impressionists from France
Stole young models away from Manet
And painted them in pants
I wish I were an oil can (pen) Well done. Didn't know tha came from t'North, though. :-)
[Rosie] Aye. I still have northern vowels but can almost pass (not parse) myself off as a southerner these days, dontcha know :o)
To stop your squeaky bearing
For you are but a metal man
It's just your Gay Pride earing
I wish I was a Popemobile
Then all Pontifs I would carry
To part the crowds, like Dead Sea swells
And drive blokes who can't marry
I wish I was a painter's brush
Dipped in cobalt blue
I'd apply a background wash
With strokes full bold and true
I wish I were a haystack
With needles all concealed
So if lovers in me tumbled
They'd quickly be revealed.
I wish I had no tonsils
'Cos right now they are sore
They don't do any good, I'm told
I don't need them anymore.
This useless old appendix
Has reached its use-by date
I think that I should trade it in
Before I am too late
I'm tired of eating doughnuts
They go straight to my waste
Enhancing life's one pleasure
Spelling klaxon sounds! Waist not waste, sorry all
There's no account for taste
I'm tired of skinny dipping
It's given me a chill
And all that clothing ripping
Hardly give the girls a thrill
If I were a transistor (Tuj) No problem. I took it as an intentional pun, enabling me to be lavatorial, which is good.
Inside a radio
I'd semiconduct day and night
Forever on the go
I wish I had an aubergine
(Whatever that might be)
Made out of purple plasticene
It's an egg fruit, don't you see.
I wish that Ninja turtles
Were still the height of cool
With shouts of "Cowabunga!" [Software] I always thought an aubergine was a French B&B
From kids going home from school. (Kim) It is, but ladies only.
I wish I were a bowling ball
Heavy, round and black
I'd ram 'em puny bowling pins
Momentum I don't lack. Or is it kinetic energy?
I wish I were a firework
Bright-coloured in the dark
I'd shoot up high into the sky
And try to hit a lark
I wish there was a galaxy
Or, failing that, a Snickers
Which we once called a Marathon
Both as ice cream now for lickers
I wish I were a puppet
I'd come with strings attached
Unless I were the muppet type
With Piggy I'd be matched
I wish I drove a big red bus
A mighty double-decker
I'd pass by every bus stop
To rile each waiting fecker
I wish I had an ASBO Penelope, really, my dear.
Then I would have street cred
I'd go up to a copper
And bash him on the head.
I wish I was Madonna's bra
A right tit though I'd feel Too easy
I'd maximize her cleevage
And her nipples I'd reveal
I wish I could speak Polish
To pronounce "Zbigniew" right
And to also tell my plumber
To polish my pipes bright
I vow to thee my country
(Whichever that may be)
To always pay my taxes
And show you my ID.
I'd like to keep this game alive
I find it rather sweet
So here's another little line
To accomplish this feat
What am I?
I live inside a drainpipe
I'm slimy, cold and green
Some people, though, will kiss me
Turned King I'll make them Queen
The answer to your riddle
Would make a tasty sarnie
Lightly fried with garlic
And eaten by Reg Varney
I wish I were a trucker
Speeding down to Dover
I'd wave two fingers at the cops
And they would pull me over
I wish I were a little mouse
I'd frighten dear old ladies
I'd chase them breathless round the house
In my MatchboxTM Mercedes [Rosie] Tough rhyme
I wish I had my own front teeth [Kim] Elegantly finished
These dentures are the pits
But implants cost a fortune and don't I know it :o(
As do implants of tits....coat?
I wish I were a sorcerer
Possessed of magic arts
I'd cast a spell on Tony Blair
To make him produce farts...coat!!!!... and hat this time around
I wish I were aattery
BUGGER!
I wish I were a battery
With nine volts and square shape
Much better than those triple As
A better shape to tape Bugger of a rhyme to make any kind of sense, Darren
I wish a were an artety
see Rosie's previous response to typo--
I wish I were an artery
Blown up like a balloon
I'd star in my own angiogram
Excision none too soon.
I LOVE the Aneurysm one... more surgical glow worms coming up...
I wish I was a hernia
That's strangulated tight (BTW, has anyone else recently had a form letter from their doctor suggeting an ultrasound scan to detect abdominal aortic aneurysms? Seems to be in fashion right now.)
I'd then be tucked in cosy truss
To let through all the shite. Taxi for Mr Ewjis.
I wish I were a scalpel
In a plastic surgery suite
I'd always be a cut above
To keep the scarring neat
I wish I was a suture
That stitched your lips together
For labial beauty is my aim
Alas, they're made of leather. . . . no comment . . .
I wish I had insurance
Should ever things go wrong [Rosie] Fairly horrific typo in there - Labiaplastysugeon.com... sugeon???
For I have no endurance
Can't plug this leak for long. (pen) Mm, all a bit fishy. Like a stugeon. Er, sorry about that.
I wish I were a sturgeon
My innards worth a mint
But why do people want to eat
Fish eggs, and then be skint?
I wish I were a tube of glue (Irg) Good question. ("Waiter, this jam tastes fishy").
Many things, then, I could stick
I really think I'm stuck on you
But your smell makes me sick
A universal solvent
Better than aqua regia
Would help me clean my teeth each night
A dangerous procedure
This brain transplant is tricky
I've misplaced the cranial nerve
Someone got a sold'ring iron?
Will three-amp fusewire serve?
I wish I were a member (Softers), penultimate one - V good
Of some exclusive club :o)
I'd show up at the AGM
And shout "Let's go downt' pub!"
i wish I were a dentist's drill
Causing untold pain
I wriggle in amongst the nerves
I suggest you don't complain
i wish I were a newscaster
With perfect teeth and diction
And on my head would be a wig
My quiff, a work of fiction
I'm glad that I did Latin
Now I've got quid pro quo
Meliora cogito
though, is not a phrase I know
If language is your raison d'être
Your reasoning's sehr gut
And are without a doubt le maître
So you deserve a w00t!
This looks like a fait accompli
Let's go get a burra peg
This verse has gone all rumply
Let's have some scrambled egg.

I wish I were a newscaster
I'd be so rich and proud
Of getting paid great wads
For what schools call "Reading Aloud".

...and now, back to our usual program...

I wish I were iconic
As on a PC screen
I'd be clicked on all day long
Hmm... now I'm not so keen next!
I'm glad I'm not a Russian doll
Because my name is Doris
I'd hate to be called "Svetlana"
But my former name was Boris coat ...
In butter bean and bacon soup
We hear alliteration
But with plain old oxtail
Just straight concatenation.
I wish I was an Arctic tern
Flying through the blizzards
I'd dive for fish in stormy seas
And gobble up their gizzards. Oblig. But do fish have gizzards?
I wish the dreary London fog [Rosie] The mud shad is a fish with a gizzard, but is unlikely to be found in stormy seas.
Would clear for just a minute
For I am lost; this look like Penge
Or something like that, innit?
I wish I were camel
Instead I've got the hump
In fact I've got a pair of them
(But one may be a mump)
The days are passing slowly
Yet the years go by so fleet
Why don't you take a running jump
re previous line: - Delete.
The days are getting longer
The annual nadir
Has passed, and we look forward to
Seeing your mum, m'dear.
The year is almost over
But another one is due
For this one I will do my best
As more I cannot do.
The new year is upon us
We'll have a resolution glut
But, alas, in one month's time
We'll all be back on website smut
I wish I were a bailiff
I'd crash right through your door
I'd distrain all your Christmas gifts
And press demands for more.
I wish I were a chimney-sweep
Inserting my long brush
I'd clean your flue so very clean
And even cure your thrush Hat and coat oblig. at this time of year, innit?
I wish I were a steering wheel
I'd turn things all around
'Cos I am a control freak
and my limits have no bounds sorry
I wish I were a plural
And not so singulAR
We'd be on every mural
And then become a star
If I were not a "housemate"
In the Big Brother House
I'd be an exhibitionist
And show my pubic louse
I'm glad I'm not a penguin
Living on the ice
I'd rather be a spotted owl
And live on spotted mice
I wish I were John Major Heaven knows why...
And not be Tony Blair
I'd wear a fairly bland grey suit
Oh yes, that's what I'd wear. (Do the voice)
I wish I'd been more careful
When I cut down this tree
Because, you see, the stupid thing
Smashed my conservat'ry. I love the sound of breaking glass.
I wish I were a dancer
Of ballet, jazz or tap
But first I'd need to lose some weight
So I won't look like crap
The supermarket singles night
Is when I do my shopping
I dress up in my finery (Zarbenia) Be bold - Try this, courtesy of of the Univ. of Pittsburgh.
And down the aisles I'm bopping
I'm really very sorry
As sorry as can be
I really should've stopped to think
But I was drunk, you see.
When I was just a nipper
Very many years ago
I kissed a girl called Pippa
How could I stoop so low?
"...and therefore, in conclusion,"
My lecturer would say
"The theorem is obvious"
If Euclid has his way
I'm getting used to living
Well above my means
Therefore I am wearing
My pin-stripes, not my jeans.
Tonight I'll have a curry
Perhaps with bits of lamb
I think a spicy vindaloo
Will make a change from Spam®
I wish I were a meteor
That burnt up in the sky
I'd startle and be wished upon
Then fall to earth and die
I wish I were a mothball
That reeked of naphthalene
My sheer aromaticity
Would keep your wardrobe clean
I wish I didn't have to wish
Or make any decision
But the genie says I must
And do it with precision.
I taught I taw a puddy tat
A tweeping up on me This can be sung to the hymn-tune Diadem.
I looked again and taw it was
A puddy tat indee...
My cat is called Sylvester
My dog is dubbed Stallone
My hamster is named Rocky
Now please leave me alone
Beware of men with pitchforks
Who stalk princes with big ears
In Gloucestershire they breed them
Quite thick, or so one hears
I wish I were a metaphor
Not just a simile
I'd be on ev'rybody's lips
Somewhat like Jade Goody
I wish I were a fixer
Always in demand
I'd never charge high prices
< cockney>"To you, darlin, a pahnd" </ cockney>
I wish I were a Geordie (Irg) Not a Lonodoner, then?
Then I'd say "Whey aye, man"
I've no idea what it means
But at least I've made it scan!
I wish I were a Brummie
Lugubrious but shrewd
Up here I'm in my oil tot
Because I'm in the nude
(yes, that was a non sequitur, but still...)
I wish I were a Scouser
Resenting my victim status - © B. Johnson 2004
I'd pick a lot of fights
With 'em Mancunians that hate us.
I wish I had two pennies
For to rub together
I'd spend them both on bennies
And disregard the weather
I wish (to be quite honest)
That you would go away
My patience, it is limited
My nerves do tend to fray
I wish I were poetic, like
But my speech is yoofy
I guess I'll stick wiv street talk
So as to sound less goofy
I wish I were a student
I'd sleep the whole day long
It helps me to be prudent
And grow up big and strong. There's sensible, isn't it?
I'm glad I'm not a mothball
That fumigates poor bugs
I'd whiff a bit, of naphthalene
And mask the smell of drugs ...speaking of students
I wish I had sagacity (pen) Could be worse. :-)
Then Jade Goody I would choose
I may not be as fat as she
But I could wear her shoes
I think I'll bog off early
I must avoid the rush lovely student stereotyping guys
Be home in time for Neighbours
Viewed with reverent hush.
Today I'll have a lie-in Tuj] We're just jealous...
A lovely duvet day
I'll get up when I want to
Meanwhile I'll hit the hay
I once saw a spoof e-mail from "Management" that included the following: "Every employee shall be entitled to 104 Duvet Days every year. 52 are called 'Saturday' and the other 52 are called 'Sunday'." Well, it amused me.
I wish I had some old rope
Attached to some foul-smelling soap
Just rotting in my shower
The stench doth overpower. This is not meant to be limerick, boys and girls.
I wish I knew my rhyme schemes [Irouléguy] Real life is much the different
My metres and my feet
My triolets and sonnets
That'll keep my scansion neat
Arse! I suck at this, sorry guys and gals.
It's fine - just needs a line break

I Say, Porter! - Arse! I suck at this
sorry guys and gals
Irouléguy - I need a little practice Tuj] As it was in my day ;)
And help from all my pals
I wish I were a hailstone (ISP) Noble contrition, finely expressed. :-)
A-falling from the sky will this do?
I'd try to land on some poor sod
And catch 'em in the eye
I'll no more go a-rovin'
'Cept for my rovin' eye
Just mentally undressing
Those on whom I spy. (ISP) Faultless :-)
Though technically faultless
There's moral issues to pursue deep and meaningful, this
It has to have the spirit
And needs a dab of glue
This Lenten entertainment
Which I will not give up
Involves champagne and a juicy steak
And lots of beer to sup
I wish that it was Easter
With chocolate eggs all round
(Ellipsoidal, actually)
Let pedantry abound
I wish I were a teledu
Making nasty smells
I'd enter small closed spaces
And stink out Tunbridge Wells.
I wish that I could teleport
Like the people on Star Trek
I'd port to Angelina Jolie's bed
And shout out 'Flippin' Eck!' Bad line, Softers. What's that fat-lipped looney got to do with anything on here? Maybe she's one of your fantasies, but she isn't mine!
I wish that Angie's luscious lips
Were planted on my cheek
Or perhaps in other places
That make my legs go weak.
I wish I'd eaten rather less
Of Auntie's rhubarb crumble
It sits inside me like a stone
I can hear my innards rumble
Would you book me an interview?
My current job is boring
I sit among the grey-faced throng
But long to break my mooring.
[R,T,R] Oooh... touching. I actually *do* have an interview on Friday...
I wish that I had chicken soup
Instead of orange squash
But then this straw would be no good (pen) Go for it.
Unless it's cold chicken Borscht
We hope you pass the interview
And make a great impression
You should avoid your Clement Freud
It gives us all depression
If I had 14 fingers
(More than I really need)
I'd be a great guitarist
A dexterous one indeed
If I were in the cabinet
Blair's, or a wardrobe too
I'd surely be kept in the dark
And like mushrooms, fed on poo [irach] a bit of shoehorn required to make that line fit and make sense there, donchoo think? Otherwise, onwards and upwards chaps. Keep together. A-one, A-two, A-one-two-three-four
I wish I was a petrol gauge
That told misleading tales
Like five instead of fifteen quid
A way of boosting sales. By volume, anyway. Two sorts of petrol gauge here.
I wish that pen will tell us
A story that is true
That's nothing like her normal brand
I'd duck if I were you.
I laughed...
I wish I was a Liar
And my nose was five yards long
I'd poke it up Lord Archer's bum
'Cos he says it doesn't pong But we all know about him, don't we boys and girls?
I wish I had a wishing well
I'd drop coins in it an hope
Hrmph!
Tuj - I wish I had a wishing well
Software - I'd drop coins in it and hope
And if my wish did not come true
I'd throw tantrums and mope
I wish I wasn't here right now
I'd rather be in Derry
And I wish I wasn't Tom the cat
'Cos he's from County Kerry
I wish I was a barnacle
Adhering to the bottom
And when they came to scrape me off
I'd shout and scream, God rot 'em.
I wish I were an ocelot
I'd slink around my prey - [Am loving the last two - kudos all round]
I'd sleep in trees - I'd doss a lot Wossa kudo? Is it like a podume?
That's how I'd pass my day
I wish I were a kinkajou
Dweeling in the trees [Rosie] Japanese ideal based on the inherent idea of podumes without the physical objects themselves
My dweel would scatter down to earth
And make capybaras sneeze
Oh, dweel
While dweeling round the whipple tree
Parailing all I'd wotten (Tuj) Ah!
I groiled a nupthuck's pack o' three
Which craulked me something rotten :-(
[R, R, K, C] I'm reminded of Kandra Woods, a game of Jabberwockian verse I've only encountered as part of the currently dormant* Furcation Game but a full version of which took place at MCiOS (also currently dormant**). Doesn't meant I shouldn't have checked my spelling though :P

* a bit hopeful: approaching 1000 days since the last move!
** hopefully dormant on a far, far lesser magnitude
Shall we continue in the same vein for a while?
I wish I were an actroblub
Or knew just what one was
[IS,P] Hmmph .. don't wanna play, eh? NOW what do I do? Carry on regardless Jabber-stylee [as Kim suggested] or attempt to follow your lead? Friday mornings are simply not designed for such decisions :-)
[Chalks] I'd argue that this one could be continued with an attempt to define an actroblub in the Jabba style.
[Ispers] Good argument :-)
I wish I were an actroblub
Or knew just what one was
My quoil stope seems to fit the bill
I'm absolutely pos.
The quirly bims of Ishtaru
Upon the city wall
Their ush-hahas all vixy blue (ISP) There y' are - it's a quoil stope. Say no more. But for the "t" it could be the kids next door - Extreme Crying.
I'd love to paint them all [Chalks] Ispers? Lovely!
Of all the strogs in London
And Witney Scrotum too © Peter Tinniswood, I have to admit.
The Glob, of Hurley Pustulae
looks most of all like you.
The plimp-kneed zilk of Trescoreen
Whom some may july april
Will never gretch the flommits of
Gremlits naar the burbling rill
'Tis time, methinks, to discourse
'pon brassicas and Georges
Legumes and tubers
Pah! wrong scan

Kim - 'Tis time, methinks, to discourse
Irouléguy - 'pon brassicas and Georges
Software - Let's consider legumes too

and sounds of Victor Borge's
*sssssssswish pop*
I like the old tradition
Of rhyme that scans with sense
As for all this modern stuff,
'Twill be banished hence.
I wish I were clairvoyant
For I'd like to foresee
Which witches might be buoyant
And which we'd drown with glee.
I wish I were a hampster
Or a furry hamster too
Or a furry, furry hamster
And hampster coloured too
I wish I wore a witch's watch
Upon my gnarlèd wrist
My timings I would never botch
Appointments never missed
I wish I had a second head
So no need of forked tongue
As such, I've just a second hand
And also a third lung
I wish I were a sewer pipe
A-shifting Mersey trout
My belches, feculently ripe,
Would noxious vapours spout
I wish I were a music box [R,S,R,i] Bizarrely delightful!
So easy to wind up
Thus people would oft take me
For a playful singing pup. - sorry - I posted just to get rid of the darn thing. Not the easiest line to follow, Monsieur Softers, am wondering if you had a final line in mind when you posted?
I wish I weren't an England fan
It's getting somewhat bland
Whether soccer, cricket, rugby
So best stick head in sand.
I wish I were an Irish man
I'd have the name O'Reilly
And cheer the boys at Croker Park
Because I'm really smiley :-)
I want to have a raison d'étre
But sadly can't speak French;
Instead, I'll eat this raisin bread
Je mange, donc je suis wench.
I wish that I could sprachen Deutsch
And read Immanuel Kant
Es wäre gut, and would bear fruit
And like Hitler I would rant
Я не говорю по-русски - that's 'ya nye gavaryou pa russkie' (I don't speak russian)
And have never wanted to
Except when calling up a Huskie
For a bit of how-de-do
I wish I were an isobar
Behind Susan Powell's back
I'd pluck a string on my guitar
Then give her bum a whack
I wish I were a bandicoot
(a bonzer Aussie mammal)
I'd live inside a handy boot
And coat it with enamel moving along...
I wish I were a roundabout
In scenic Swindon Town
I'd be adorned with traffic lights
And make the drivers frown
I wish I'd find a dodo bird
And teach it how to fly
Alas, such thoughts are quite absurd
Can't find one -- wonder why?
I wish I were a traffic cop
I'd stand right in the road
Gesticulating wildly at
Your girlfriend's outsize load
I wish I were a toothbrush
And you were my false teeth
I'd brush up against you gently
In Morningside or Leith
I have no need for silicone
I'm all up-front, you see
My hair and teeth are still my own
And my feet I still can seeThere you go again, Chalks, making us boys all excited ;o)
If I had a ham sandwich
I'd throw away my Spam
And with a ripe tomato
Choke that bastard Sam-I-am. What an irritating sod.
I wish I had some lemonade
For I am truly parched
I'd drink it mixed with English beer
To keep my top lip starched
I wish I had some creme brulée
And here's the reason why;
I love to crack the skin on top
It's crispier than pie
I wish I had a napkin now
Because I've spilt my milk - Tuj First Line Takeover eh?
There's no use crying over it
I am not of that ilk Limited opportunities there, Chalks
I wish I were a footballer Keeping Tuj at bay .....
Who scored a winning goal
I'd slide ten yards upon my knees
And then whip out my pole I'll get me coat.
I wish I wasn't always first Just seems to keep happening...
One could always miss a turn
But MC5 is addictive
And I am slow to learn
There, can't be my go now.
I wish I were a magistrate
Then yobs I'd really hammer
I'd put them all in clink for eight
In the Sing-Sing slammer
I wish I were a biscuit tin *sigh*
And you a custard cream
Within I would enclose you
In my snack housing scheme.
I wish I were a piece of cake
I'm easy, will that do?
But do take care, for I've got nuts
And could taste salty, too best just to spit.
I wish I were a sock puppet
Like Sooty, Sweep, or Soo
I'd sock it to 'em Muppets
And Punch and Judy too
I wish I were a tuba
Of highly polished brass
Eighteen feet of convolution
Designed to play 'Whispering Grass' Ladies & Gentlemen Mr. Don Estelle. Don't all leave at once.
I wish I were a raindrop
Falling on your nose
I'd make a splash and trickle
Like dew upon a rose
I wish today was Saturday
And that this month was June
The year was nineteen fifty-two Get out of that, y' buggers. :-)
Tonight there's a half moon only if it's the 14th though
I wish it were the fourteenth day
Of my two-week detox
I'd celebrate the standard way:
Oh, what a paradox!
I wish I was a lemon rind
Fruity, empty, yellow
Like Bognor on an April day
Where old farts rant and bellow.
[i;D;IS,P!;R] Splendid
I wish I were a German car
Assembled in Bavaria
Mein engine would be wunderbar
Mein driver's seat is chairier.
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Oops...
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Is a curious ester
Its use is as yet inchoate Come on, Raak, what are the positions of the bloody methyl groups, 3,5 or 2,4? This recipe cannot be completed without this info.
P'raps Raak is a jester
I have a simple view on life
You're born, you live, you die.
You may give rise to others
Whereby some may wonder why
If I were a mocking bird
I'd know just whom to mock
They'd be mainly politicians
I'd start with Mill and Locke
I wish I were a drainpipe
Quite narrow, dank and long
Then proverbial rats up me would run
While I did sing this song:

Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds! Is there a chorus?
[Rosie] I think that was it.
I reach from ground to rooftop high
From guttering to drains
Around me winds wisteria
Which drips down when it rains

Chorus: Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I'm fond of my co-drainage chums
Fine sewer grates and gutter
We hardly ever get clogged up
With unwanted clutter

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've featured in a magazine
Been "Drainpipe Of The Year"
And after people drink a lot
Into me they will pee(r)

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!


I love those sudden downpours
My joy it overflows
I never leak a single drop
Down to earth it goes.

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

But hailstorms do confound me
They rattle down my spout
They chip my lovely paintwork
Then I don't smile, I pout
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I may be getting rusty
Inside but not without
For I've a coat of Hammerite
Which gleams; there is no doubt

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
When Autumn leaves are falling
And over-gorge my spout
A man appears with rods and stuff
To clear the debris out
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

My little friend the gutter
Pours his fluids into me
Which makes me quite excited
As I gurgle in glee
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
My joints are tight and sturdy
My brackets are secure
Truly I'm a fixture
Proud and British to the core!

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've taken out a policy
Against retirement day
For in the end I'll turn to rust
And then be thrown away

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I wish it weren't so very hot
It really is quite steamy
I think a storm is brewing here
As I cook my sashimi
I wish my feet weren't quite so wet
They smell like old cheese drenched with sweat
However, my socks
Smell of cream cheese and lox I'm presuming we're having a brief foray into the world of limericks today? :-)
I've worn them two months, for a bet. [Phil] Double helpings of weirdness, after the cooking of sashimi - yuk!
I wish I were a sunshade
Shielding folks from glare
I'd filter out those UV rays
So they would all stay fair.
I wish I were a vulture
I'd circle 'oer my prey
'Cos carrion's my culture
But Zebra's not kosher. Oy vey!
I wish I were a leprechaun
Or perhaps a little pisky
I'd play my pranks from dusk to dawn
And then get smashed on whisky
I'm glad I'm not a postman
Being bait for growling dogs
I'd need my running shoes on
Not these stupid ****ing clogs
I wish I were a bullfrog
A-croaking in the reeds
I'd leap and scare old ladies
They'd go weak around the knees
I wish I was a frog, turned prince
Once kissed by my true love
But, woe, a frog remain I, since
She gave me the shove.
I wish I had some customers freelancing, eh? Who'd do it if they weren't desperate?
I'll just go out and grab 'em [pen] been there, done that, its hard work but you can work your own hours and have long holidays, trouble is, holidays cost you money :o(
I'll delve into their wallets
Find fivers, and I'll nab 'em that's an horrendous rhyme you gave us, Softers!
I wish I were a reference book
For field mycologists
With coloured plates of nasty moulds
And endless Latin lists
I wish I were a tapeworm
A good fifteen feet long
I'd curl around inside your gut
reciting Patience Strong
I wish I was a washing line sales of clothes pegs up 1400% over the past year, say ASDA. A result of wanting to 'go green', or of escalating fuel prices making it too expensive to run a tumble dryer? Personally, I have always pegged out...
Festooned with all your knickers
My gentle parabolic form Don't tell me it's a catenary - it ain't.
Admired by passing vicars
I wish I were a thunderbolt (irach) Rather nice. (pen) Me too. But have you got wooden pegs?
Then through your roof I'd crash My missus wants a tumble dryer because she believes that the towels would be *fluffier*. I say bollocks, and that they would be worn out quicker at great expense. Over my dead body, in fact.
I'd sent a jolt right through your head
And turn your brains to ash.
I wish I was a dolly peg [Rosie] Some are. I think dolly pegs snag as you shove them on, so I prefer the spring-clip ones. I have some wooden, and some jaunty coloured plastic.
On Blue Peter I would star [pen] I am old enough (and so too is Rosie ;o) ) to remember the gypsies knocking on one's door trying to sell them!
They'd make me into something nice (pen) You don't mean these, do you? (Softers) Yes, I remember them, too. BTW on this machine your small font is almost unreadable but better in italics.
A Dolls House or a Car [Rosie] Hmm. No, I didn't, I meant the clothes peg dollypeg. If you google image 'dolly-peg, you get both kinds.
I wish I was a polliwog
Swimming in a pool of slime Actually, what Rosie drew is a 'dolly' for a dolly tub, not a dolly peg.
Just like our dear Prime Minister (Softers) Some young girl nicked my monicker. No respect.
He does it all the time
I have no need for artifice
Toujours au naturel
Quite basic and right down to earth
That sweaty stink of hell
Your house, in my opinion,
Is just a bit de trop
The portcullis, moat and drawbridge
Will simply have to go check French scansion
I wish I did like esgargot
And did not boke at snails
But those slimy little gastropods
Taste just like puppies' tails.
I'm rather fond of mange tout
But hate the smell of swede I don't actually. Love it. Arrrr.
All brassica is just divine
But man, just taste this weed.

In honour of penelope's recent revelation that she may soon be seen in a Dutch cap-acity...
What?
I wish I were in Amsterdam Certainly has a deal of attraction from where I stand
From where the tulips come
I'd try to speak in double Dutch
What is the word for 'bum'?
[pen] Easily done online. Take your pick: achtereind, achterste, bips, gat, kont, staartstuk, zitvlak
I wish I didn't have the gout
It makes my tootsies hurt My cousin has had it. Riotous living, being a solicitor.
I might have swallowed too much stout
Then try taking St John's Wort
I wish I were a diction'ry
Then I'd not be lost for words
But if I were a lavat'ry
I get sat on by birds resorting to Cockerney argot to avoid obvious feedline
s/I/I'd
I wish I had an iPod
For every time I've heard:
Why Apple™ is so wonderful
Despite not having Word.
I wish I were a firework
Waiting for ignition
My stick stuck firmly in the ground
Will jeopardise my mission You put the stick in a tube stuck in the ground as it goes up with the body of the rocket, Softers. If you stick it in the ground, the rocket ain't going anywhere.
[pen] firework isnt = rocket, indeed some fireworks require the sticking-in-the-ground simply because it's safer that way, but I see where you're coming from
[pen]I thought it was a neat finish :o)

Software - I'm glad I'm not at Wimbledon

Where wind and rain prevail
Much nicer to sit snug at home
With a tankard full of ale
I wish I was a centipede
With all my legs intact
Of kneecaps I would have the ton
Or more, and that's a fact
I wish I was a grapefruit
Juicy, big and round Now, now ....
I'd squirt my juice onto your face
Then watch you writhe around.
I wish I were an acorn
A-dangling in my cup
I'd grow up to be a shady oak
Beneath which drinkers sup
I wish I were an Ouija board
The naïve I would then trick
With messages from t'Other Side
Like this one; "You're all thick!"
"The water's creeping up our road!"well, not mine, but a good friend from Oxford is coming here tonight as his road is being slowly inundated :o(
Defying gravitee Bloody pedant.
When in reaches my abode
I'll abandon ship and flee!
I wish I were a cowpat
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