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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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And have never wanted to
Except when calling up a Huskie
For a bit of how-de-do
I wish I were an isobar
Behind Susan Powell's back
I'd pluck a string on my guitar
Then give her bum a whack
I wish I were a bandicoot
(a bonzer Aussie mammal)
I'd live inside a handy boot
And coat it with enamel moving along...
I wish I were a roundabout
In scenic Swindon Town
I'd be adorned with traffic lights
And make the drivers frown
I wish I'd find a dodo bird
And teach it how to fly
Alas, such thoughts are quite absurd
Can't find one -- wonder why?
I wish I were a traffic cop
I'd stand right in the road
Gesticulating wildly at
Your girlfriend's outsize load
I wish I were a toothbrush
And you were my false teeth
I'd brush up against you gently
In Morningside or Leith
I have no need for silicone
I'm all up-front, you see
My hair and teeth are still my own
And my feet I still can seeThere you go again, Chalks, making us boys all excited ;o)
If I had a ham sandwich
I'd throw away my Spam
And with a ripe tomato
Choke that bastard Sam-I-am. What an irritating sod.
I wish I had some lemonade
For I am truly parched
I'd drink it mixed with English beer
To keep my top lip starched
I wish I had some creme brulée
And here's the reason why;
I love to crack the skin on top
It's crispier than pie
I wish I had a napkin now
Because I've spilt my milk - Tuj First Line Takeover eh?
There's no use crying over it
I am not of that ilk Limited opportunities there, Chalks
I wish I were a footballer Keeping Tuj at bay .....
Who scored a winning goal
I'd slide ten yards upon my knees
And then whip out my pole I'll get me coat.
I wish I wasn't always first Just seems to keep happening...
One could always miss a turn
But MC5 is addictive
And I am slow to learn
There, can't be my go now.
I wish I were a magistrate
Then yobs I'd really hammer
I'd put them all in clink for eight
In the Sing-Sing slammer
I wish I were a biscuit tin *sigh*
And you a custard cream
Within I would enclose you
In my snack housing scheme.
I wish I were a piece of cake
I'm easy, will that do?
But do take care, for I've got nuts
And could taste salty, too best just to spit.
I wish I were a sock puppet
Like Sooty, Sweep, or Soo
I'd sock it to 'em Muppets
And Punch and Judy too
I wish I were a tuba
Of highly polished brass
Eighteen feet of convolution
Designed to play 'Whispering Grass' Ladies & Gentlemen Mr. Don Estelle. Don't all leave at once.
I wish I were a raindrop
Falling on your nose
I'd make a splash and trickle
Like dew upon a rose
I wish today was Saturday
And that this month was June
The year was nineteen fifty-two Get out of that, y' buggers. :-)
Tonight there's a half moon only if it's the 14th though
I wish it were the fourteenth day
Of my two-week detox
I'd celebrate the standard way:
Oh, what a paradox!
I wish I was a lemon rind
Fruity, empty, yellow
Like Bognor on an April day
Where old farts rant and bellow.
[i;D;IS,P!;R] Splendid
I wish I were a German car
Assembled in Bavaria
Mein engine would be wunderbar
Mein driver's seat is chairier.
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Oops...
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Is a curious ester
Its use is as yet inchoate Come on, Raak, what are the positions of the bloody methyl groups, 3,5 or 2,4? This recipe cannot be completed without this info.
P'raps Raak is a jester
I have a simple view on life
You're born, you live, you die.
You may give rise to others
Whereby some may wonder why
If I were a mocking bird
I'd know just whom to mock
They'd be mainly politicians
I'd start with Mill and Locke
I wish I were a drainpipe
Quite narrow, dank and long
Then proverbial rats up me would run
While I did sing this song:

Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds! Is there a chorus?
[Rosie] I think that was it.
I reach from ground to rooftop high
From guttering to drains
Around me winds wisteria
Which drips down when it rains

Chorus: Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I'm fond of my co-drainage chums
Fine sewer grates and gutter
We hardly ever get clogged up
With unwanted clutter

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've featured in a magazine
Been "Drainpipe Of The Year"
And after people drink a lot
Into me they will pee(r)

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!


I love those sudden downpours
My joy it overflows
I never leak a single drop
Down to earth it goes.

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

But hailstorms do confound me
They rattle down my spout
They chip my lovely paintwork
Then I don't smile, I pout
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I may be getting rusty
Inside but not without
For I've a coat of Hammerite
Which gleams; there is no doubt

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
When Autumn leaves are falling
And over-gorge my spout
A man appears with rods and stuff
To clear the debris out
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

My little friend the gutter
Pours his fluids into me
Which makes me quite excited
As I gurgle in glee
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
My joints are tight and sturdy
My brackets are secure
Truly I'm a fixture
Proud and British to the core!

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've taken out a policy
Against retirement day
For in the end I'll turn to rust
And then be thrown away

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I wish it weren't so very hot
It really is quite steamy
I think a storm is brewing here
As I cook my sashimi
I wish my feet weren't quite so wet
They smell like old cheese drenched with sweat
However, my socks
Smell of cream cheese and lox I'm presuming we're having a brief foray into the world of limericks today? :-)
I've worn them two months, for a bet. [Phil] Double helpings of weirdness, after the cooking of sashimi - yuk!
I wish I were a sunshade
Shielding folks from glare
I'd filter out those UV rays
So they would all stay fair.
I wish I were a vulture
I'd circle 'oer my prey
'Cos carrion's my culture
But Zebra's not kosher. Oy vey!
I wish I were a leprechaun
Or perhaps a little pisky
I'd play my pranks from dusk to dawn
And then get smashed on whisky
I'm glad I'm not a postman
Being bait for growling dogs
I'd need my running shoes on
Not these stupid ****ing clogs
I wish I were a bullfrog
A-croaking in the reeds
I'd leap and scare old ladies
They'd go weak around the knees
I wish I was a frog, turned prince
Once kissed by my true love
But, woe, a frog remain I, since
She gave me the shove.
I wish I had some customers freelancing, eh? Who'd do it if they weren't desperate?
I'll just go out and grab 'em [pen] been there, done that, its hard work but you can work your own hours and have long holidays, trouble is, holidays cost you money :o(
I'll delve into their wallets
Find fivers, and I'll nab 'em that's an horrendous rhyme you gave us, Softers!
I wish I were a reference book
For field mycologists
With coloured plates of nasty moulds
And endless Latin lists
I wish I were a tapeworm
A good fifteen feet long
I'd curl around inside your gut
reciting Patience Strong
I wish I was a washing line sales of clothes pegs up 1400% over the past year, say ASDA. A result of wanting to 'go green', or of escalating fuel prices making it too expensive to run a tumble dryer? Personally, I have always pegged out...
Festooned with all your knickers
My gentle parabolic form Don't tell me it's a catenary - it ain't.
Admired by passing vicars
I wish I were a thunderbolt (irach) Rather nice. (pen) Me too. But have you got wooden pegs?
Then through your roof I'd crash My missus wants a tumble dryer because she believes that the towels would be *fluffier*. I say bollocks, and that they would be worn out quicker at great expense. Over my dead body, in fact.
I'd sent a jolt right through your head
And turn your brains to ash.
I wish I was a dolly peg [Rosie] Some are. I think dolly pegs snag as you shove them on, so I prefer the spring-clip ones. I have some wooden, and some jaunty coloured plastic.
On Blue Peter I would star [pen] I am old enough (and so too is Rosie ;o) ) to remember the gypsies knocking on one's door trying to sell them!
They'd make me into something nice (pen) You don't mean these, do you? (Softers) Yes, I remember them, too. BTW on this machine your small font is almost unreadable but better in italics.
A Dolls House or a Car [Rosie] Hmm. No, I didn't, I meant the clothes peg dollypeg. If you google image 'dolly-peg, you get both kinds.
I wish I was a polliwog
Swimming in a pool of slime Actually, what Rosie drew is a 'dolly' for a dolly tub, not a dolly peg.
Just like our dear Prime Minister (Softers) Some young girl nicked my monicker. No respect.
He does it all the time
I have no need for artifice
Toujours au naturel
Quite basic and right down to earth
That sweaty stink of hell
Your house, in my opinion,
Is just a bit de trop
The portcullis, moat and drawbridge
Will simply have to go check French scansion
I wish I did like esgargot
And did not boke at snails
But those slimy little gastropods
Taste just like puppies' tails.
I'm rather fond of mange tout
But hate the smell of swede I don't actually. Love it. Arrrr.
All brassica is just divine
But man, just taste this weed.

In honour of penelope's recent revelation that she may soon be seen in a Dutch cap-acity...
What?
I wish I were in Amsterdam Certainly has a deal of attraction from where I stand
From where the tulips come
I'd try to speak in double Dutch
What is the word for 'bum'?
[pen] Easily done online. Take your pick: achtereind, achterste, bips, gat, kont, staartstuk, zitvlak
I wish I didn't have the gout
It makes my tootsies hurt My cousin has had it. Riotous living, being a solicitor.
I might have swallowed too much stout
Then try taking St John's Wort
I wish I were a diction'ry
Then I'd not be lost for words
But if I were a lavat'ry
I get sat on by birds resorting to Cockerney argot to avoid obvious feedline
s/I/I'd
I wish I had an iPod
For every time I've heard:
Why Apple™ is so wonderful
Despite not having Word.
I wish I were a firework
Waiting for ignition
My stick stuck firmly in the ground
Will jeopardise my mission You put the stick in a tube stuck in the ground as it goes up with the body of the rocket, Softers. If you stick it in the ground, the rocket ain't going anywhere.
[pen] firework isnt = rocket, indeed some fireworks require the sticking-in-the-ground simply because it's safer that way, but I see where you're coming from
[pen]I thought it was a neat finish :o)

Software - I'm glad I'm not at Wimbledon

Where wind and rain prevail
Much nicer to sit snug at home
With a tankard full of ale
I wish I was a centipede
With all my legs intact
Of kneecaps I would have the ton
Or more, and that's a fact
I wish I was a grapefruit
Juicy, big and round Now, now ....
I'd squirt my juice onto your face
Then watch you writhe around.
I wish I were an acorn
A-dangling in my cup
I'd grow up to be a shady oak
Beneath which drinkers sup
I wish I were an Ouija board
The naïve I would then trick
With messages from t'Other Side
Like this one; "You're all thick!"
"The water's creeping up our road!"well, not mine, but a good friend from Oxford is coming here tonight as his road is being slowly inundated :o(
Defying gravitee Bloody pedant.
When in reaches my abode
I'll abandon ship and flee!
I wish I were a cowpat
Chock-full of biomass
In the sun then I shall dry
to a discus, not morass
I wish I were an asteroid
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