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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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That sweaty stink of hell
Your house, in my opinion,
Is just a bit de trop
The portcullis, moat and drawbridge
Will simply have to go check French scansion
I wish I did like esgargot
And did not boke at snails
But those slimy little gastropods
Taste just like puppies' tails.
I'm rather fond of mange tout
But hate the smell of swede I don't actually. Love it. Arrrr.
All brassica is just divine
But man, just taste this weed.

In honour of penelope's recent revelation that she may soon be seen in a Dutch cap-acity...
What?
I wish I were in Amsterdam Certainly has a deal of attraction from where I stand
From where the tulips come
I'd try to speak in double Dutch
What is the word for 'bum'?
[pen] Easily done online. Take your pick: achtereind, achterste, bips, gat, kont, staartstuk, zitvlak
I wish I didn't have the gout
It makes my tootsies hurt My cousin has had it. Riotous living, being a solicitor.
I might have swallowed too much stout
Then try taking St John's Wort
I wish I were a diction'ry
Then I'd not be lost for words
But if I were a lavat'ry
I get sat on by birds resorting to Cockerney argot to avoid obvious feedline
s/I/I'd
I wish I had an iPod
For every time I've heard:
Why Apple™ is so wonderful
Despite not having Word.
I wish I were a firework
Waiting for ignition
My stick stuck firmly in the ground
Will jeopardise my mission You put the stick in a tube stuck in the ground as it goes up with the body of the rocket, Softers. If you stick it in the ground, the rocket ain't going anywhere.
[pen] firework isnt = rocket, indeed some fireworks require the sticking-in-the-ground simply because it's safer that way, but I see where you're coming from
[pen]I thought it was a neat finish :o)

Software - I'm glad I'm not at Wimbledon

Where wind and rain prevail
Much nicer to sit snug at home
With a tankard full of ale
I wish I was a centipede
With all my legs intact
Of kneecaps I would have the ton
Or more, and that's a fact
I wish I was a grapefruit
Juicy, big and round Now, now ....
I'd squirt my juice onto your face
Then watch you writhe around.
I wish I were an acorn
A-dangling in my cup
I'd grow up to be a shady oak
Beneath which drinkers sup
I wish I were an Ouija board
The naïve I would then trick
With messages from t'Other Side
Like this one; "You're all thick!"
"The water's creeping up our road!"well, not mine, but a good friend from Oxford is coming here tonight as his road is being slowly inundated :o(
Defying gravitee Bloody pedant.
When in reaches my abode
I'll abandon ship and flee!
I wish I were a cowpat
Chock-full of biomass
In the sun then I shall dry
to a discus, not morass
I wish I were an asteroid
Wand'ring round the sun
When I got bored of orbiting
I'd crash a planet and be done
I wish I were a crater
Perhaps one on the moon
I'd keep cheese cool for later
Rather, as one says, than soon. Cheese crater, cheese grater. I dunno.
I wish I were a lightbulb
I would be so switched on
But, unpredictably, I'd pop
(or flicker, if neon).
I wish I was an inert gas
So noble I would be
I need no friends and make no bonds Explain XeF6, then, clever clogs.
I'll float, as an anomaly
Welcome, enigma2060. Don't I know you?
I wish I had an inkling
But I think I've missed the point
I'm sure I once knew something
My brain's gone; it's this joint.
I wish my nose were shorter
For people think I lie
Or that I am prying
When it pokes them in the eye.
I wish I drove a big red bus
Along a big bus lane
I wouldn't stop for passengers
I'd drive them all insane
I wish I was a frying pan
Sizzling on the stove
Your bacon would come out real crisp
A breakfast treasure trove
I wish I were the Ace of Spades
The Leader of the Pack
I would trump all other cards
Red's red, but Black is black.
I wish I were a harem guard
My scimitar all curvy
But the limit to my manhood
Is sky-high 'cos I'm pervy.
I wish I were Hungarian
A Magyar through and through
I'd feed all day on goulash
Rhapsodise on paprikash too
I wish I had a caravan Would save all this 'Moving House' lark
The desert I would cross
I'd own ten dromedaries
Of which I'd be the boss.
I wish I were in Ngrongoro
A safari I would take
To see migrating wildebeest
(They take five hours to bake)
I wish I was a sofa bed
Of mighty width and girth
I'd still be quite uncomfortable
To someone giving birth.
I wish I was a colander It's a strain, it really is
Round and full of holes
I'd do my job hole-heartedly
And drain myself in bowls
I wish I was a clerihew
Fame and glamour as my theme
But peas and honey are my lot
The rest is just a dream.
Ii wish my lips were cherry-hued
And not just chewed and hairy
I'd do things that are very rude
To prove I'm not a fairy
I wish I were a piano string
A-stretched out very taut
I'd resonate in harmony
When e're I think I ought
I wish I were a sonnet
Five feet by fourteen long
I'd place my thoughts upon it
Whether right or wrong
I wish I were a limerick
Instead of four-line verse
My third and fourth lines would then rhyme
And scan, and be quite terse.
I wish I were more handsome
To pick up lots of girls
Their hearts I'd hold to ransom
As they'd run fingers through my curls
I wish I were a Hero
And pref'rably not dead
'Cos then I'd do heroic things
Instead, I stay in bed.
[CdM] Preview, idiot!
I wish that I had second sight wouldn't need preview then, would I?
As back-up for the first
Such fortunate clairvoyance
Makes one seem rehearsed.
I wish that I had stayed in bed
For getting up today
I strained my back and must sit down
O woe! Alack! Alay!
I do my homework nightly
Just to please my teacher
This essay is on Superman
She likes a Sci-Fi creature
I have no time for hypocrits
For I am free of cant
And I'm truly open minded
I am not prone to rant
My virtue is unparalleled
Yet my life is full of woe
It started when my ego swelled
Through doorways it won't go.
As God once said to Moses,
Take these tablets twice a day
And then, as one supposes
His command meant letters prey.
I wish I were a maggot
Impaled upon a hook
I'd tempt voracious fishies
With a come-and-get-me look
Heheh - last handful have been marvellous.
I have no use for peppermills
That grind exceeding small
I like my pepper crunchy
Of no pep-per at all
I used to be quite boozy (Chalky) The mind boggles
But now I'm on the wagon
Since then I got a floozy
Now I'm sober, she's a dragon
My name is Doctor Pepper
Academia's my domain
When students need a sugar-rush
They slurp my liquid cane
I wish I were a p'liceman
Carrying a truncheon
I'd bash the suspects in the cells
And then slope off for luncheon
[R, i, R & K] Perfect.
I wish I was a coathook
Inside a bathroom door
Upon which hangs your bathrobe
While you're clad with nothing more
I wish I were a mulberry
Hanging on a bush
Succulent and tempting
Until I turn to mush
I wish I was a teapot
Short and stout and hot
A bit like Harry Secombe
But then Welsh I'm not
I wish I was a surly wench
And you a handsome knave
But you are just a burly mensch
'Bout whom I cannot rave.
I wish I were a racehorse
I'd gallop like the wind
But after the five furlong post
This wish I now rescind.
I wish I had a beaten sword
My fields require the plough
So I'll see the local blacksmith
After I sell my sow
I wish I were a plumber
I'd plumb the ripest drains
My rods and hooks would rummage well
Who cares about the stains?
Tuj, Raak, Software, Rosie] Very nice.
I wish I were a chimney sweep
My face all smeared with soot
I'd stick my big brush up your flue (CdM) Cheers, and a belated plaudit for your burly mensch. V good.
Full length - that's fifty foot!
I wish I ware a stevedore
A-working in the dock
A deckhand or a roustabout
With one eye on the clock
I wish I were a poet
A job to which I'm not adverse
My couplets I would craft with care
My image I would nurse.
I wish I had a mandolin
To play and pluck and strum
I'd be just like Corelli
And play with just one thumb.
I wish I had a blue mohawk
And a beard dyed flaming red
With green-tinged skin and Vulcan ears
I'd look like I was dead
I wish I were a blowtorch
Carried in a plumbers bag
I'd be good at heated blow jobs....Coat!!!
But I'm really not a slag
I wish I had elastic arms
What mischief I could make
I'd be just like Mr Tickle® Roger Hargreaves
Unless your giggle's fake
I wish I were an apple pie
And you a pot of cream
I'm all fibre, you mere fat
But together we're serene
I wish I were a joint of lamb
Slowly roasting on a rack
You'd drool just at the thought of me
And the cutlery attack
I wish I were a polyglot
Familiar with tongues
I'd speak to all the world with ease
In places quite far flung[s]
I wish I was a prophet
A soothsayer or seer
I'd outdo Nostradamus
And on TV appear. (Softers) I note with approval that the adjective "agrees" with the noun.:-)
I wish I was a fountain pen
Filled full of blackest ink
Your shirt pocket I would stain with glee
I then get binned, I think.
I wish I had three wishes
And that, in all, makes four.
A wine-jug, loaf of bread, and thou
Submissive on the floor coat!
I wish I were in Birmingham
A-visiting my mama
Her name is Marlene, as you'd guess
And Daddy's name's Osama
I wish I had a wishing well
For then I'd make a wish
What it is I just can't tell
Being indecisive(-ish).
I wish I didn't have to wish
I'd like to trust to fate
Whatever it may throw at me
Inshallah. God is great.
I wish that it would pour with rain
Instead of slowly drizzle
My garden then would turn to mud
My bonfire quietly fizzle.
I wish I was a rocking horse
My sh*t would then be rare
The bookies would all hate me
But I really wooden care
I wish I were a dry-stone wall
Spanning hill and dale
Breaking wind from east and west -Loving your work chaps - specially on the last 6 :-)
So best not to inhale. (Chalky) Really! An' I fought you was a lady. :-)
I wish I were a mandible
Chomping down on chow
I hope there are no bones in it
If there is then I'll go "Ow!"
I wish I could articulate
And n-n-not sp-speak with a st-stammer
Then I'd say things with conviction
Such as "Hazel Blears, God damn 'er."
If anyone had warned me
That lard was bad to eat
I wouldn't now weigh twenty stone
And a heart that doesn't beat
I wish I had an extra ear
So I could hear the sound
Of one hand clapping in the woods
In glorious Sensuround©
I had a little nut tree
It bore a lot of stuff [unlike the one that bore 'nothing' - how mean-spirited was that?]
Such as gold and silver baubles
But still, it's not enough gimme gimme
I wish I was a lord-a-leaping
Over buxom wenches
Alas, I fell on one of them
With t*ts like Judi Dench's (Sorry - it was the cleanest of 5 versions I came up with)
I wish I was a thespian
On sunny Thespos isle
I'd sit and sip my ouzo
- I'm resting. Luvvie-style
I uttered a profanity
It rang throughout the room (Phil) She is magnificent, but alas no chicken.
My faux pas, a calamity
Will haunt me to the tomb
"Mum's the word," the vicar said,
"My wife must never know"
"That I'm a closet atheist"
But I just go with the flow
I wish I were old Santa Claus
My life would be so jolly
I'd spend my holly-days outdoors
A-drinking schnapps and bolly
My beard is long and fluffy
And my belly's wobbly
I rather fancy Buffy
But so does old Tom Cobleigh.
I wish I were a present
N'eer future, nay, nor past
The knife-edge moment that is life
Is over now. Oh blast.
I wish I were a great big toad (CdM) Don't do it. We love you really.
All slimy, green and warty
I'd feast on yummy damselflies
And end up fat and forty
I wish I wish I wish I wish
I wish I wish I wish
I wish a wishy-washy fish
Would wish a fishy wish
I wish the rain would stop a while
Then I could dry my hair - [irach, Phil] LOVE the wishy one :-)
A scarecrow's life is not much fun
And of me no-one does care Ahhhhh!
I do not want for anything
I've everything I need
A house, a car, a loving wife
And NO children to feed!
I wish I were a Christmas elf Kim, that's absolutely right
I'd sabotage the prezzies
A hand grenade inside a sock
Condoms for the lezzies. Not terribly witty, but there are precious few rhymes.
I make recycled paper [Rosie] Made me larf :o)
From things my cat brings me
My favourites are fur balls
For solvent, use its wee. Ever the chemist, alas. (pen) That's no bad thing this time of year, though I thought you laffed rather than larfed. :-)
I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
Well, oxidise some propylene (irach) You were warned. :-)
Through a palladium groove
I had imagined a different outcome for the above:

I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
'Cos I dress in women's clothes
My wife does not approve

Now moving switfly on ...

I wish I were in pantomime

I'd play Whittington's cat
With big black ears and boots and tail
And I'd hiss, and fiss, and spat.
I wish I were a cracker
Lit on Guy Fawkes Day
I'd jump and bang and generally
Make an nuisance until May.
I wish I were a snowflake
Perfection in my shape
I'd have no twin in all the world
No sibling I could ape
I know a lad named Calculus
Who knows how to integrate
His twin does cube roots in his head
That's how they differ-en-tiate
I have a suit of armor
It clanks like Puffing Billy
Made of chain and plate and scraps,
Don't dare tell me it's silly!
I have a great big knobbly mace
That lives under my pillow
I have it near me just in case
Should my bedroom monster bellow
I wish I were invisible
- A power I'd use for good
But efforts have been risible
I just can't drain myself of blood.
I wish I were knurlèd knob (RW) You from t'north?
Knobkierie or Shillelagh
I like to crush [Rosie]: Nope, I'm an American with a sense of poetic license. Even Shakespeare didn't always "rhyme" in the normals way.
the heads should be added. I'm sorry, I was in limerick mode...
Of those who mess with B Disraeli
yeah ... right, a bit crap, but it seemed a reasonable RHYMING option.:-)
I wish I had a dozen eggs
To chuck at Griff Rhys-Jones (RW) I know you're American - I was being sarcastic, because I'm a nasty old bugger. ;-)
And I'll have to use a dozen eggs [RW]No worries, love. ;) (Just to add to the confusion...)
To throw at them wot moans
I've eaten forty-one mince pies
My tummy don't feel well Just had one myself ;o)
I'll only have a couple more
So then I'll feel like hell
I am the forty-fourth mince pie
Why have I been neglected?
Is it because old Sweeney Todd
And the filler he collected.
There is a place in Missouri Let's see if y'all can follow the mispronounciation on that... Not that it has to be rhymed.
That's famed in rhyme and song
So thanks be to W C Handy . . . the bog's just round the corner . . .
We're bound to get it wrong
Chalky - I wish I'd been to Cambridge
But I was just too thick
So I got stuck at Oxford
And have no sense of poetry now. Yes, for those of you who don't know, that was intentional.
I wish I were a tiddlywink (Red Wolf) You're forgiven - this time. (Chalky) WC Handy wrote St Louis Blues, one of my favourites, but his name still makes me giggle a bit.
All round and red and shiny
Instead I am a poker chip
And doomed to igno-miny
I wish I had an Oscar Mayer
And not this Nathan's wiener
Since I'm a grumpy old tax payer
And Nathan's just makes me meaner...
I wish I was a baker
I'd wear a baker's hat
And eat large sticks of butter
I love imbibing globs of fat
With crown and orb and sceptre
My aim is for to please
And few could be adepter that's a mains adepter, btw
At avoiding all the sleaze
I wish I was a radio
That was tuned in to you
You can twang my aerial
It sure beats Radio 2
If you get poor reception
Try stroking your aerial
It will certainly mess up the scan
And if combined with poor insulation could lead to your premature burial.
I wish I were a bar of soap
Almost a glowing clerihew, that last one. Or perhaps a cleriworm
Fragrant Camay, Pears, or Fairy
My bubbles would caress your skin
And scents send your head airy.
I'm in an awful lather here
I just can't choose between
The liquid or the solid soap
Which will best keep me clean?
I've heard the tales of cooking woes
I've empathised and wept
For oysters, like famed Carpenter
In month's not 'r' except
I'm going to the corner shop
I may be quite a while
The lady at the counter's cute
I'll try my rakish smile
I wish I were an oyster
An aphro-dis-i-ac
I'd make folks feel quite fruity
So they'd end up in the sack
My college class has started
And I am running late
I have no time to eat my lunch
And no time to masturbate coat!
I wish I were an actor (Softers) 15-yr-olds do it in class (so I'm told)
I'd strut upon the stage
There'd be no dry eye in the house
My "Macbeth" would be the rage
I wish I were a guru
My every word you'd heed
I'd tell you to strip naked
To do a Kama Sutra deed
To partake of my wisdom
You must wear this party hat
Your brain will function better
Although you'll look a prat oblig, probably
I am a perfect Bayesian
I am coordinated
And all those silly Frequentists
Can say what they like
When Ike and Tina Turner
River deep-ed and mountain high-ed
They left a good job in the city
But then ol' Ikey died
I'd climb the highest mountain
And forge the wettest stream
Just to get away from you (SM) Did you mean ford?
You're a nightmare not a dream
O poets red in tooth and claw [Rosie] Yes, I was thinking of 'Climb Every Rainbow'
Have no truck with sonnets (SM) Ah! The steep bit near the ground is the worst, always.
It's best to use a car instead
And etch your verse on bonnets [Software] "Can say what they like"? (three poems ago) Am I missing something subtle?
I wish I were a jam jar
Packed with jellied berry filling
Then I'd feel the rock star
Who liked young girls quite willing [Phil] yes
I wish that I were clever
And won a Nobel prize
I'd then become quite famous
And get away with lies. . . . cynical old bugger . . .
I wish I were a liar
Alas, though, I lack guile
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