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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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In my MatchboxTM Mercedes [Rosie] Tough rhyme
I wish I had my own front teeth [Kim] Elegantly finished
These dentures are the pits
But implants cost a fortune and don't I know it :o(
As do implants of tits....coat?
I wish I were a sorcerer
Possessed of magic arts
I'd cast a spell on Tony Blair
To make him produce farts...coat!!!!... and hat this time around
I wish I were aattery
BUGGER!
I wish I were a battery
With nine volts and square shape
Much better than those triple As
A better shape to tape Bugger of a rhyme to make any kind of sense, Darren
I wish a were an artety
see Rosie's previous response to typo--
I wish I were an artery
Blown up like a balloon
I'd star in my own angiogram
Excision none too soon.
I LOVE the Aneurysm one... more surgical glow worms coming up...
I wish I was a hernia
That's strangulated tight (BTW, has anyone else recently had a form letter from their doctor suggeting an ultrasound scan to detect abdominal aortic aneurysms? Seems to be in fashion right now.)
I'd then be tucked in cosy truss
To let through all the shite. Taxi for Mr Ewjis.
I wish I were a scalpel
In a plastic surgery suite
I'd always be a cut above
To keep the scarring neat
I wish I was a suture
That stitched your lips together
For labial beauty is my aim
Alas, they're made of leather. . . . no comment . . .
I wish I had insurance
Should ever things go wrong [Rosie] Fairly horrific typo in there - Labiaplastysugeon.com... sugeon???
For I have no endurance
Can't plug this leak for long. (pen) Mm, all a bit fishy. Like a stugeon. Er, sorry about that.
I wish I were a sturgeon
My innards worth a mint
But why do people want to eat
Fish eggs, and then be skint?
I wish I were a tube of glue (Irg) Good question. ("Waiter, this jam tastes fishy").
Many things, then, I could stick
I really think I'm stuck on you
But your smell makes me sick
A universal solvent
Better than aqua regia
Would help me clean my teeth each night
A dangerous procedure
This brain transplant is tricky
I've misplaced the cranial nerve
Someone got a sold'ring iron?
Will three-amp fusewire serve?
I wish I were a member (Softers), penultimate one - V good
Of some exclusive club :o)
I'd show up at the AGM
And shout "Let's go downt' pub!"
i wish I were a dentist's drill
Causing untold pain
I wriggle in amongst the nerves
I suggest you don't complain
i wish I were a newscaster
With perfect teeth and diction
And on my head would be a wig
My quiff, a work of fiction
I'm glad that I did Latin
Now I've got quid pro quo
Meliora cogito
though, is not a phrase I know
If language is your raison d'être
Your reasoning's sehr gut
And are without a doubt le maître
So you deserve a w00t!
This looks like a fait accompli
Let's go get a burra peg
This verse has gone all rumply
Let's have some scrambled egg.

I wish I were a newscaster
I'd be so rich and proud
Of getting paid great wads
For what schools call "Reading Aloud".

...and now, back to our usual program...

I wish I were iconic
As on a PC screen
I'd be clicked on all day long
Hmm... now I'm not so keen next!
I'm glad I'm not a Russian doll
Because my name is Doris
I'd hate to be called "Svetlana"
But my former name was Boris coat ...
In butter bean and bacon soup
We hear alliteration
But with plain old oxtail
Just straight concatenation.
I wish I was an Arctic tern
Flying through the blizzards
I'd dive for fish in stormy seas
And gobble up their gizzards. Oblig. But do fish have gizzards?
I wish the dreary London fog [Rosie] The mud shad is a fish with a gizzard, but is unlikely to be found in stormy seas.
Would clear for just a minute
For I am lost; this look like Penge
Or something like that, innit?
I wish I were camel
Instead I've got the hump
In fact I've got a pair of them
(But one may be a mump)
The days are passing slowly
Yet the years go by so fleet
Why don't you take a running jump
re previous line: - Delete.
The days are getting longer
The annual nadir
Has passed, and we look forward to
Seeing your mum, m'dear.
The year is almost over
But another one is due
For this one I will do my best
As more I cannot do.
The new year is upon us
We'll have a resolution glut
But, alas, in one month's time
We'll all be back on website smut
I wish I were a bailiff
I'd crash right through your door
I'd distrain all your Christmas gifts
And press demands for more.
I wish I were a chimney-sweep
Inserting my long brush
I'd clean your flue so very clean
And even cure your thrush Hat and coat oblig. at this time of year, innit?
I wish I were a steering wheel
I'd turn things all around
'Cos I am a control freak
and my limits have no bounds sorry
I wish I were a plural
And not so singulAR
We'd be on every mural
And then become a star
If I were not a "housemate"
In the Big Brother House
I'd be an exhibitionist
And show my pubic louse
I'm glad I'm not a penguin
Living on the ice
I'd rather be a spotted owl
And live on spotted mice
I wish I were John Major Heaven knows why...
And not be Tony Blair
I'd wear a fairly bland grey suit
Oh yes, that's what I'd wear. (Do the voice)
I wish I'd been more careful
When I cut down this tree
Because, you see, the stupid thing
Smashed my conservat'ry. I love the sound of breaking glass.
I wish I were a dancer
Of ballet, jazz or tap
But first I'd need to lose some weight
So I won't look like crap
The supermarket singles night
Is when I do my shopping
I dress up in my finery (Zarbenia) Be bold - Try this, courtesy of of the Univ. of Pittsburgh.
And down the aisles I'm bopping
I'm really very sorry
As sorry as can be
I really should've stopped to think
But I was drunk, you see.
When I was just a nipper
Very many years ago
I kissed a girl called Pippa
How could I stoop so low?
"...and therefore, in conclusion,"
My lecturer would say
"The theorem is obvious"
If Euclid has his way
I'm getting used to living
Well above my means
Therefore I am wearing
My pin-stripes, not my jeans.
Tonight I'll have a curry
Perhaps with bits of lamb
I think a spicy vindaloo
Will make a change from Spam®
I wish I were a meteor
That burnt up in the sky
I'd startle and be wished upon
Then fall to earth and die
I wish I were a mothball
That reeked of naphthalene
My sheer aromaticity
Would keep your wardrobe clean
I wish I didn't have to wish
Or make any decision
But the genie says I must
And do it with precision.
I taught I taw a puddy tat
A tweeping up on me This can be sung to the hymn-tune Diadem.
I looked again and taw it was
A puddy tat indee...
My cat is called Sylvester
My dog is dubbed Stallone
My hamster is named Rocky
Now please leave me alone
Beware of men with pitchforks
Who stalk princes with big ears
In Gloucestershire they breed them
Quite thick, or so one hears
I wish I were a metaphor
Not just a simile
I'd be on ev'rybody's lips
Somewhat like Jade Goody
I wish I were a fixer
Always in demand
I'd never charge high prices
< cockney>"To you, darlin, a pahnd" </ cockney>
I wish I were a Geordie (Irg) Not a Lonodoner, then?
Then I'd say "Whey aye, man"
I've no idea what it means
But at least I've made it scan!
I wish I were a Brummie
Lugubrious but shrewd
Up here I'm in my oil tot
Because I'm in the nude
(yes, that was a non sequitur, but still...)
I wish I were a Scouser
Resenting my victim status - © B. Johnson 2004
I'd pick a lot of fights
With 'em Mancunians that hate us.
I wish I had two pennies
For to rub together
I'd spend them both on bennies
And disregard the weather
I wish (to be quite honest)
That you would go away
My patience, it is limited
My nerves do tend to fray
I wish I were poetic, like
But my speech is yoofy
I guess I'll stick wiv street talk
So as to sound less goofy
I wish I were a student
I'd sleep the whole day long
It helps me to be prudent
And grow up big and strong. There's sensible, isn't it?
I'm glad I'm not a mothball
That fumigates poor bugs
I'd whiff a bit, of naphthalene
And mask the smell of drugs ...speaking of students
I wish I had sagacity (pen) Could be worse. :-)
Then Jade Goody I would choose
I may not be as fat as she
But I could wear her shoes
I think I'll bog off early
I must avoid the rush lovely student stereotyping guys
Be home in time for Neighbours
Viewed with reverent hush.
Today I'll have a lie-in Tuj] We're just jealous...
A lovely duvet day
I'll get up when I want to
Meanwhile I'll hit the hay
I once saw a spoof e-mail from "Management" that included the following: "Every employee shall be entitled to 104 Duvet Days every year. 52 are called 'Saturday' and the other 52 are called 'Sunday'." Well, it amused me.
I wish I had some old rope
Attached to some foul-smelling soap
Just rotting in my shower
The stench doth overpower. This is not meant to be limerick, boys and girls.
I wish I knew my rhyme schemes [Irouléguy] Real life is much the different
My metres and my feet
My triolets and sonnets
That'll keep my scansion neat
Arse! I suck at this, sorry guys and gals.
It's fine - just needs a line break

I Say, Porter! - Arse! I suck at this
sorry guys and gals
Irouléguy - I need a little practice Tuj] As it was in my day ;)
And help from all my pals
I wish I were a hailstone (ISP) Noble contrition, finely expressed. :-)
A-falling from the sky will this do?
I'd try to land on some poor sod
And catch 'em in the eye
I'll no more go a-rovin'
'Cept for my rovin' eye
Just mentally undressing
Those on whom I spy. (ISP) Faultless :-)
Though technically faultless
There's moral issues to pursue deep and meaningful, this
It has to have the spirit
And needs a dab of glue
This Lenten entertainment
Which I will not give up
Involves champagne and a juicy steak
And lots of beer to sup
I wish that it was Easter
With chocolate eggs all round
(Ellipsoidal, actually)
Let pedantry abound
I wish I were a teledu
Making nasty smells
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