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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Before they built the bridge
It makes it look so ugly
Much like a large Smeg fridge - clutching at the only available straw
I want to tame a lion cub
I think I'll need a chair
But if its name is Elsa
I'd only style its hair
I wish I had a big white van
I'd drive it every day
I'd be the archetypal man
Even though I'm gay Strictly stated for the sake of the rhyme only
I wish I were a hooligan
Big and strong and thick
With "Engerland" tattooed in red
And white upon my dick Sorry, sorry, sorry...
I wish I were a photon (Botherer) A dick tattoo? Wow! Respect! :-)
Ignoring Newton's laws I thought '...laws of physics' but couldn't think of any rhyming possibilities
I'd whiz along null intervals
And hurtle through closed doors
If I were an electron
My negativitee
Would shield me with a 'lectric field
In nano-tech-nol-gee
I wish I were a glow-stick
a-waving in the stands
But now that England's knackered
I'll just sit on my hands
I wish I were a linesman
I'd wave my flag like mad
The players mostly shun us
Which makes us very sad.
I wish I were an umpire
(It's my nickname)
I wish I were an umpire
To fathom right from wrong
I'd stand with utmost gravitas
My legs are square, and strong.
bokes with gravitas
Did you hear the new Ralph Lauren outfits for Wimbledon's line judges were splitting in a crucial place when they assumed their active stance? They had to go back to the AELTA's seamstresses to be double stitched... oh how we laughed.
I wish I was a seamstress
Stitching private places
Getting line judges back to work
And save them from disgraces.
I wish I were a hailstone
I'd bounce off someone's head
And if I had grown large enough
I might kill them stone dead
I wish I were a stormcloud
All dark and full of thunder
My voice would roar for miles around
From Up Here to Down Under.
May I interject and say how much I've enjoyed the last 6 (yes, six) verses? Yes? Thank you! Now, onwards and upwards...
I wish I'd won the Lotto
I'd take it all in cash
I'd go out and get blotto
then dine on pie and mash
I wish I were a drawbridge
Portcullis, Mott or Bailey
I'd do my bit to ward the foe
Right off. I'd do it daily.
I wish I were an Orchid
So delicate and rare
I'd hide in some obscure locale
And quietly flaunt my ware
I wish I had more fingers
And just one extra thumb
Another arm or two would help
But not another bum.
If all the world were chocolate
And all the seas were jam
The sun would surely melt it all
And bake into a flan.
If I was mighty Caesar
I'd conquer all the Brits
But then I'd tick off Brutus
He'd stab me in the tits
I wish I were a telephone
With numbers on my face
And when somebody rang me
I'd clang the bells within my base

Sexual Intercourse tailed off
In nineteen ninety-three
(which was much too soon for me)
Between the birth of my second son
And my vasectomy.
- ...and now, back to our usual program...
If I were Ozymandias
I wouldn't make such boasts
I'd beware of global warming
And disappearing coasts
I wish I were a laser beam
Coherent, thin and straight
Would I be red or I be green?
Such answers I await. ... that's got shot of that one. Now for another ...
I wish so much I'm sure to die
Without acheiving many
Yet, even if just one came true
You might all call me 'Jenny'
A simple way to make new friends
And get out of the house
Is, sign up with the RAF
And fly with Mighty Mouse
I love to wear tiaras
They're dear; I make my own
I also knit my own ball gowns
Plus my wigs are home-sewn
My feet are gently melting
So I'm two inches shorter
Perhaps I should have cooled them
In buckets full of water
I wish I had some sweetcorn
But I just can't think why
Perhaps I like the texture
I'll tell you by-and-by
I wish I was a mermaid
With fishtail and blonde hair
You'd never get me up the duff <hypocrisy> Sorry to lower to the tone </hypocrisy>
Cos I'm just scales down there
A single North Sea Herring
Has 20,000 kids
Myself, I aim to beat that
'Cause I've sired four million squid(s)
If every squid in the ocean
Were fed with marmalade
Then my dish of calamari
Would taste like orangeade
I tried to dance a tango
Alas, I've two left feet
Instead I'll stomp just like Dave Clark for those old enough to remember
And never find the beat.
I'd like to learn to foxtrot
I need a dancing fox
'Coz when I try it on my own
I tangle up my socks
The head of Alf Garcia
Oops...
The head of Alf Garcia
Is wanted everywhere
So bring it to me pronto
With its unknowing stare.
I had a little website
No ads would it bear
Nor irritating pop-ups
Just edible underwear
I think you've created a new nursery rhyme there.
Jack and Jill went up the pub taking the cue
For a little light binge drinking
Afterwards they felt quite sick
Is this an example of a glow worm that doesn't inspire? Could be Line 2 which is tricky to match. Hey - I'll finish it anywise ... if only to open the door to something a bit more sparky ...
So puked up and were stinking.
I wish I had some backbone
And loads of attitude
I'd tell all the b*stards out there
Not to be so rude
Once I went to Mexico
And met some senoritas
But they all called me 'gringo'
And made me eat fajitas
If you go to Edinburgh
Pass by the Firth of Forth
Take the fifth road on the right
You'll fall in the Forth of course
I wish I had an aardvark
Or two, so they could mate
I would, of course, avert my gaze
When aardvarks conjugate
My terrapins are frisky
They're dancing the gavotte (Raak) Have you been at that Hungarian phrase-book again?
My turtles, on the other hand
Might mate, or they might not
I wish I were a metronome
With timing strict and true
I would tick away the hours
Till my time's up with you
I wish I'd paid the gas bill
So that my range would work
'Cos rubbing sticks together's hard
Just makes me feel a berk
I'm getting all excited
I'm feeling all a-quiver
My brother's getting knighted
Just for falling in the river
I wish I were an emu
Or an ostrich or a rhea
I'd peck at Rupert Murdoch's legs
While we all stand and cheer.
I wish i wasn't Marley's Ghost
I envy Christmas Past
I'd like a Christmas Present
And huge turkey repast
I wish I were a pussycat Shouts of "YOU ARE".
And you were Tweety Pie
I'd try to sneak up to you
And make you scream "You lied!"
I wish I had some shepherd's pie
With which to fill my tummy
With onion gravy, chips and peas
I'll have to ask my Mummy.
I wish I had a pint of ale
Tho' two would be much better
I might just spill them on my lap
Then my crotch would be wetter
I wish I were the Ace of Spades
I'd trump all other suits
And if I were hidden up a sleeve
A French croupier might shout "Zut!"
I know it wasn't very good, but that one was dying a death...
My hovercraft is full !Danger - unfinished sentence!
of ghastly little eels
It will not help me pull
That girlie in high heels.
I think I might be gay
I'll put it to the test
I'll hang around in dodgy bars
And wear a muscle vest
Would you like to go Yet another unfinished sentence - goodness me
Where no one else has gone?
Would that be quite boldly?
And then what, thereupon?

[dear nights] your 3 first lines have produced 3 splendid little ditties, bu-ut - if we're doing 'Glow Worms' correctly, they are all missing a beat, ie: Te TUM te TUM te TUM [te] TUM.
Chalky - I need to find some isinglass
My glasses all need 'issing Can't see a thing...
And then I'll need some ambergris
Ahem, And then I'll need some ambergris
Oh, dear, I think it's missing
[Chalky] Thanks for the pointer. I always was better at English Language than Literature.
I have a brand new toaster
Which has a pop-up feature
It tends to pop up far too soon
Just like Michael Meacher
My microwave has broken down
I'll have to use the grill
It's not easy to brew cups of tea
The odds are slim to nil
I climbed into my oven
To check on my soufflé
I found it rather hot in there
It melted my moufflé - go figure :-)
I'm partial to a bit of cheese
Camembert would be dandy
I rub it well into my knees [Chalky] "The loose covering around the nose and lips of deer"?
Which stops them going bandy
[Raak] Ha! [the man can read my mind]
Ha! The man can read my mind
For he is most perceptive
To understand a lady's thoughts
And make a pass pre-emptive.
I wish I were a dandelion
For I would spread my seed . . er, coat, possibly
With little floaty fluffy things
So please don't intercede
I wish I were a traffic light
I'd flash in public places
Pedestrians would stop for me
Except in special cases
I wish I were a ping-pong ball
A-bouncing to and fro
with topspin, backspin, swerve and dip
I'd get a headache though
I wish I was your car keys
A-sitting in your pocket
About to be inserted
In your neat little socket
I wish I was a humming bird
My little wings I'd whir
I'd drink my weight in sugar
In a jade and turqoise blur
I wish I was a gramophone A GRAMOPHONE??
With varying R M P
[Chalky] RPM?
Rosie - I wish I was a gramophone
Chalky - With varying R P M - [Raak] doh :-)
And an eight disk stacker
Hey, I had one of them!<
I had a little lens brush
Its bristles were all fine
No matter what I did with it
My glasses failed to shine
I had a little nut tree
But nothing would it bear
Despite its coy expression
I overheard it swear.
:-) :-) :-)
I had a little atom bomb
I lent it to a mate
I had to make him promise that
He would not make us late. (in the Slartibartfastic sense.)
I drank a little brandy
From a crystal glass
It made me feel quite randy (oblig.)
Clary, watch your arse. Alas it is I, Rosie.
I wish I wasn't an old bloke
But young sprightly and gay
I'd give someone a bold poke (irach) Are you?
If they suggest I'm fay
If I were not a lawyer [oldblokes] Is there a minimum age limit to join your club?
I'd be a hypnotist
I'd go to trendy night-clubs Pretty sure I shouldn't have been involved in that last one
And hope to be note-issed. Less than perfect....
I wish I were made of metal (Kim) We welcome fogeys, old and young.:-)
And polished every Tuesday
I'd shine out like a shiny star - is this going to hang around for ages because it's an impossible rhyme?
On National Shiny Shoes Day
I'm glad to be a fogey
With collar, tie and spats
I'll sit and smoke my meerschaum
And curse all youthful brats - Oh well played, Phil!
I'm proud to be a girlie-girl
With pigtails oh so cute Thanks, Chalky, although I must acknowledge inspiration from Sting's "Spread a Little Happiness"
I'll simper and I'll curtsey Chalky, Phil] Sorry, wasn't thinking
But never will I mute
I wish I were more hirsute
With inch-long body hair
Instead I'll make a fursuit
To look like Yogi Bear
I wish I were the Albert Hall
Imposing, tall and round
I wouldn't be the Carnegie
Which has a nasty sound
I wish I were a teapot stout
Nestling in a cosy (irach) You didn't mean a teapot spout, did you? :-)
[Rosie] No, I did mean "stout", as in "I'm a little teapot short and stout, Here's my handle, here's my spout", which incidentally was my first theatrical role as a Kindergarten thespian many moons ago :-)
Dispensing comfort through my spout
- A lovely cup of Rosie! - sorry - couldn't resist
I wish I were a thespian
who played great tragic roles
I'd wow the crowd with my King Lear
Wealth and fame my goals. (Chalky) You haven't met me yet. :-). (irach) I know the one.
I wish I had more energy - [Rosie] and sadly it's looking doubtful now :-(
I'd join the local gym
But sadly I can't move at all
Let alone get trim. (Chalks) Bad news. Hope things improve.:-)
If I were not a brickie
A surgeon I would be
I'd bin my dirty dungarees
'Fore knocking off at three.
If I were not a shot-putter
The hammer I would chuck
I love to swing things and to hurl
And especially sling the muck
whoops :0
If I were not a footballer
No-one would know my name
No Spice Girl would come close to mei
So darts would be my game
If I were not a vicar
I'd still wear my dog collar
I got it cheap on Ebay
But the postage cost ten dollar
If I were not a blogger
I'd have no lady friends
But still I'd sit at my PC
And... well, now that depends...
If I were not a toyboy
I'd be a lumberjack
But not in women's clothing
'Cause a gusset it doth lack
Once I had a little cat
I taught it to drink beer
It used to sit upon the bar
With a 'nebriated leer
I wish I were a b'nana
Yellow, smooth and bent
Served up to a b'wana
In Tangier or Tashkent
I'm glad I'm not a toadstool
Elves and faries I do hate
I'm not a sprite's umbrella
But do help toads to mate.
I wish I wish - oh, HOW I wish
That I was ten years old
And didn't have to go to work
Or do as I am told
I wish I were a worker bee
I'm sick of being Queen
I'd have a much less regal head
Not just be an egg machine.
It only takes an hour or so
To wait for sixty minutes
But since e=mc squared
We must work within the limits
I beat my fleas with money
I do it with my wife
That's not to say my wife's a flea
Its just safer than a knife
As I sat, sad and lonely
Just staring at this page
I thought of all my work to do
As this site's hermitage
At* At* At* dammit!
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter (Ahem..., returning sheepishly, but emboldened)
And str-struggle with my lisp
The www.ords I try to utter
Resemble will-o'-wisp - Phew, that was a struggle - thanks Softers me old mate for a great rhyming challenge :-)
My joints are nearly ready
To tackle Pen-Y-Ghent
Such challenges are heady
When both your knees are bent
I wish I were a footpath
Leading down the glen
A path to tread with measured gait
Just ev'ry now and then
I wish I were an earwig
In fields quite near to Hülen
Rather than being a mere Whig
I wouldn't look so sullen...time for bed..
I wish I were a keyboard
A qwerty one, in fact
With UK English atributes
Like a ' below the @
I wish I were a springbok
With a very springy gait
'Cos cheetahs can't half motor
And slow bods all get ate
I wish I were a ptarmigan
'Tho based somewhere down south
I'd get myself some Dixie chicks
And feed them "nil by mouth"
I wish I were a tuning fork
Which posessed a perfect pitch
I'd hum so sweetly at your touch
You sexy, dirty bitch. ... mine's on the penultimate peg ...
Is this the last of Glow-worm rhymes?
Or will there be yet more?
If so, let our poetic crimes
Offend the Cres' no Mor
I wish I were the last Glow-wormer
Or do I wish I was?
All good things must end, I fear
And why? Well - just because
The time for limericks has come
This sojourn has been pleasant
So fare thee well our glowing worms
I'll just say Mornington Crescent - even though it doesn't scan
hmmm - perhaps it's a sign that we must carry on :-)
While waiting for a signal
From Humph-er -ry the great
I partook of some escallops
Which normally I hate
I bought my niece a rabbit
She poked it with a stick
The bunny jumped to grab it
And then my niece was sick
I wish I only had one pub
And opened nine-to-five
I'd close for lunch twixt twelve and two
Being most conservative. G & S invoked.
I wish I were a minstrel
Then I would stroll and sing
Alas, most would ignore me
But for me the art's the thing.
I wish I were an android
All gleaming chrome and steel
But I would need an oil can
Or else I'd clank and squeal.
My pea and honey recipes
Contain no MSG
They're simply peas and honey
That's good enough for me!
I wish I were immortal
So I could never die
I'd never be in history books
But noone would wonder why
I wish that I were Peter Noone
Of Herman's Hermits fame
I'd sing lots of cheesy songs
And mispronounce my name
I wish I were a document
Ornately sealed with wax
But being waxed will cause a prob;
I'll melt inside the fax
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
Stole young models away from Manet
*ahem* Limerick alert, young [Irach]. Allow me.
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
The impressionists from France
Stole young models away from Manet
And painted them in pants
I wish I were an oil can (pen) Well done. Didn't know tha came from t'North, though. :-)
[Rosie] Aye. I still have northern vowels but can almost pass (not parse) myself off as a southerner these days, dontcha know :o)
To stop your squeaky bearing
For you are but a metal man
It's just your Gay Pride earing
I wish I was a Popemobile
Then all Pontifs I would carry
To part the crowds, like Dead Sea swells
And drive blokes who can't marry
I wish I was a painter's brush
Dipped in cobalt blue
I'd apply a background wash
With strokes full bold and true
I wish I were a haystack
With needles all concealed
So if lovers in me tumbled
They'd quickly be revealed.
I wish I had no tonsils
'Cos right now they are sore
They don't do any good, I'm told
I don't need them anymore.
This useless old appendix
Has reached its use-by date
I think that I should trade it in
Before I am too late
I'm tired of eating doughnuts
They go straight to my waste
Enhancing life's one pleasure
Spelling klaxon sounds! Waist not waste, sorry all
There's no account for taste
I'm tired of skinny dipping
It's given me a chill
And all that clothing ripping
Hardly give the girls a thrill
If I were a transistor (Tuj) No problem. I took it as an intentional pun, enabling me to be lavatorial, which is good.
Inside a radio
I'd semiconduct day and night
Forever on the go
I wish I had an aubergine
(Whatever that might be)
Made out of purple plasticene
It's an egg fruit, don't you see.
I wish that Ninja turtles
Were still the height of cool
With shouts of "Cowabunga!" [Software] I always thought an aubergine was a French B&B
From kids going home from school. (Kim) It is, but ladies only.
I wish I were a bowling ball
Heavy, round and black
I'd ram 'em puny bowling pins
Momentum I don't lack. Or is it kinetic energy?
I wish I were a firework
Bright-coloured in the dark
I'd shoot up high into the sky
And try to hit a lark
I wish there was a galaxy
Or, failing that, a Snickers
Which we once called a Marathon
Both as ice cream now for lickers
I wish I were a puppet
I'd come with strings attached
Unless I were the muppet type
With Piggy I'd be matched
I wish I drove a big red bus
A mighty double-decker
I'd pass by every bus stop
To rile each waiting fecker
I wish I had an ASBO Penelope, really, my dear.
Then I would have street cred
I'd go up to a copper
And bash him on the head.
I wish I was Madonna's bra
A right tit though I'd feel Too easy
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