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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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[Chalky] RPM?
Rosie - I wish I was a gramophone
Chalky - With varying R P M - [Raak] doh :-)
And an eight disk stacker
Hey, I had one of them!<
I had a little lens brush
Its bristles were all fine
No matter what I did with it
My glasses failed to shine
I had a little nut tree
But nothing would it bear
Despite its coy expression
I overheard it swear.
:-) :-) :-)
I had a little atom bomb
I lent it to a mate
I had to make him promise that
He would not make us late. (in the Slartibartfastic sense.)
I drank a little brandy
From a crystal glass
It made me feel quite randy (oblig.)
Clary, watch your arse. Alas it is I, Rosie.
I wish I wasn't an old bloke
But young sprightly and gay
I'd give someone a bold poke (irach) Are you?
If they suggest I'm fay
If I were not a lawyer [oldblokes] Is there a minimum age limit to join your club?
I'd be a hypnotist
I'd go to trendy night-clubs Pretty sure I shouldn't have been involved in that last one
And hope to be note-issed. Less than perfect....
I wish I were made of metal (Kim) We welcome fogeys, old and young.:-)
And polished every Tuesday
I'd shine out like a shiny star - is this going to hang around for ages because it's an impossible rhyme?
On National Shiny Shoes Day
I'm glad to be a fogey
With collar, tie and spats
I'll sit and smoke my meerschaum
And curse all youthful brats - Oh well played, Phil!
I'm proud to be a girlie-girl
With pigtails oh so cute Thanks, Chalky, although I must acknowledge inspiration from Sting's "Spread a Little Happiness"
I'll simper and I'll curtsey Chalky, Phil] Sorry, wasn't thinking
But never will I mute
I wish I were more hirsute
With inch-long body hair
Instead I'll make a fursuit
To look like Yogi Bear
I wish I were the Albert Hall
Imposing, tall and round
I wouldn't be the Carnegie
Which has a nasty sound
I wish I were a teapot stout
Nestling in a cosy (irach) You didn't mean a teapot spout, did you? :-)
[Rosie] No, I did mean "stout", as in "I'm a little teapot short and stout, Here's my handle, here's my spout", which incidentally was my first theatrical role as a Kindergarten thespian many moons ago :-)
Dispensing comfort through my spout
- A lovely cup of Rosie! - sorry - couldn't resist
I wish I were a thespian
who played great tragic roles
I'd wow the crowd with my King Lear
Wealth and fame my goals. (Chalky) You haven't met me yet. :-). (irach) I know the one.
I wish I had more energy - [Rosie] and sadly it's looking doubtful now :-(
I'd join the local gym
But sadly I can't move at all
Let alone get trim. (Chalks) Bad news. Hope things improve.:-)
If I were not a brickie
A surgeon I would be
I'd bin my dirty dungarees
'Fore knocking off at three.
If I were not a shot-putter
The hammer I would chuck
I love to swing things and to hurl
And especially sling the muck
whoops :0
If I were not a footballer
No-one would know my name
No Spice Girl would come close to mei
So darts would be my game
If I were not a vicar
I'd still wear my dog collar
I got it cheap on Ebay
But the postage cost ten dollar
If I were not a blogger
I'd have no lady friends
But still I'd sit at my PC
And... well, now that depends...
If I were not a toyboy
I'd be a lumberjack
But not in women's clothing
'Cause a gusset it doth lack
Once I had a little cat
I taught it to drink beer
It used to sit upon the bar
With a 'nebriated leer
I wish I were a b'nana
Yellow, smooth and bent
Served up to a b'wana
In Tangier or Tashkent
I'm glad I'm not a toadstool
Elves and faries I do hate
I'm not a sprite's umbrella
But do help toads to mate.
I wish I wish - oh, HOW I wish
That I was ten years old
And didn't have to go to work
Or do as I am told
I wish I were a worker bee
I'm sick of being Queen
I'd have a much less regal head
Not just be an egg machine.
It only takes an hour or so
To wait for sixty minutes
But since e=mc squared
We must work within the limits
I beat my fleas with money
I do it with my wife
That's not to say my wife's a flea
Its just safer than a knife
As I sat, sad and lonely
Just staring at this page
I thought of all my work to do
As this site's hermitage
At* At* At* dammit!
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter
As I.. I.. I.. I stutter (Ahem..., returning sheepishly, but emboldened)
And str-struggle with my lisp
The www.ords I try to utter
Resemble will-o'-wisp - Phew, that was a struggle - thanks Softers me old mate for a great rhyming challenge :-)
My joints are nearly ready
To tackle Pen-Y-Ghent
Such challenges are heady
When both your knees are bent
I wish I were a footpath
Leading down the glen
A path to tread with measured gait
Just ev'ry now and then
I wish I were an earwig
In fields quite near to Hülen
Rather than being a mere Whig
I wouldn't look so sullen...time for bed..
I wish I were a keyboard
A qwerty one, in fact
With UK English atributes
Like a ' below the @
I wish I were a springbok
With a very springy gait
'Cos cheetahs can't half motor
And slow bods all get ate
I wish I were a ptarmigan
'Tho based somewhere down south
I'd get myself some Dixie chicks
And feed them "nil by mouth"
I wish I were a tuning fork
Which posessed a perfect pitch
I'd hum so sweetly at your touch
You sexy, dirty bitch. ... mine's on the penultimate peg ...
Is this the last of Glow-worm rhymes?
Or will there be yet more?
If so, let our poetic crimes
Offend the Cres' no Mor
I wish I were the last Glow-wormer
Or do I wish I was?
All good things must end, I fear
And why? Well - just because
The time for limericks has come
This sojourn has been pleasant
So fare thee well our glowing worms
I'll just say Mornington Crescent - even though it doesn't scan
hmmm - perhaps it's a sign that we must carry on :-)
While waiting for a signal
From Humph-er -ry the great
I partook of some escallops
Which normally I hate
I bought my niece a rabbit
She poked it with a stick
The bunny jumped to grab it
And then my niece was sick
I wish I only had one pub
And opened nine-to-five
I'd close for lunch twixt twelve and two
Being most conservative. G & S invoked.
I wish I were a minstrel
Then I would stroll and sing
Alas, most would ignore me
But for me the art's the thing.
I wish I were an android
All gleaming chrome and steel
But I would need an oil can
Or else I'd clank and squeal.
My pea and honey recipes
Contain no MSG
They're simply peas and honey
That's good enough for me!
I wish I were immortal
So I could never die
I'd never be in history books
But noone would wonder why
I wish that I were Peter Noone
Of Herman's Hermits fame
I'd sing lots of cheesy songs
And mispronounce my name
I wish I were a document
Ornately sealed with wax
But being waxed will cause a prob;
I'll melt inside the fax
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
Stole young models away from Manet
*ahem* Limerick alert, young [Irach]. Allow me.
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
The impressionists from France
Stole young models away from Manet
And painted them in pants
I wish I were an oil can (pen) Well done. Didn't know tha came from t'North, though. :-)
[Rosie] Aye. I still have northern vowels but can almost pass (not parse) myself off as a southerner these days, dontcha know :o)
To stop your squeaky bearing
For you are but a metal man
It's just your Gay Pride earing
I wish I was a Popemobile
Then all Pontifs I would carry
To part the crowds, like Dead Sea swells
And drive blokes who can't marry
I wish I was a painter's brush
Dipped in cobalt blue
I'd apply a background wash
With strokes full bold and true
I wish I were a haystack
With needles all concealed
So if lovers in me tumbled
They'd quickly be revealed.
I wish I had no tonsils
'Cos right now they are sore
They don't do any good, I'm told
I don't need them anymore.
This useless old appendix
Has reached its use-by date
I think that I should trade it in
Before I am too late
I'm tired of eating doughnuts
They go straight to my waste
Enhancing life's one pleasure
Spelling klaxon sounds! Waist not waste, sorry all
There's no account for taste
I'm tired of skinny dipping
It's given me a chill
And all that clothing ripping
Hardly give the girls a thrill
If I were a transistor (Tuj) No problem. I took it as an intentional pun, enabling me to be lavatorial, which is good.
Inside a radio
I'd semiconduct day and night
Forever on the go
I wish I had an aubergine
(Whatever that might be)
Made out of purple plasticene
It's an egg fruit, don't you see.
I wish that Ninja turtles
Were still the height of cool
With shouts of "Cowabunga!" [Software] I always thought an aubergine was a French B&B
From kids going home from school. (Kim) It is, but ladies only.
I wish I were a bowling ball
Heavy, round and black
I'd ram 'em puny bowling pins
Momentum I don't lack. Or is it kinetic energy?
I wish I were a firework
Bright-coloured in the dark
I'd shoot up high into the sky
And try to hit a lark
I wish there was a galaxy
Or, failing that, a Snickers
Which we once called a Marathon
Both as ice cream now for lickers
I wish I were a puppet
I'd come with strings attached
Unless I were the muppet type
With Piggy I'd be matched
I wish I drove a big red bus
A mighty double-decker
I'd pass by every bus stop
To rile each waiting fecker
I wish I had an ASBO Penelope, really, my dear.
Then I would have street cred
I'd go up to a copper
And bash him on the head.
I wish I was Madonna's bra
A right tit though I'd feel Too easy
I'd maximize her cleevage
And her nipples I'd reveal
I wish I could speak Polish
To pronounce "Zbigniew" right
And to also tell my plumber
To polish my pipes bright
I vow to thee my country
(Whichever that may be)
To always pay my taxes
And show you my ID.
I'd like to keep this game alive
I find it rather sweet
So here's another little line
To accomplish this feat
What am I?
I live inside a drainpipe
I'm slimy, cold and green
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