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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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To live it up while choring.
Well, that's the Jubilee done
These flags are now redundant
Until the next coronashun
When once more they'll be abundant
I wish I had a magic wand
Such havoc I would wreak
As master of the demi-monde
I'm half-price all this week.Moving swiftly on...
I'm glad I'm not a hosepipe
Because I'd soon be banned
From pissing in the garden
In a manner underhand
I wish I were in Essex
'Cos I'm a dreadful chav
I'd down ten pints of Stella
Then puke up in the lav. oblig.
Great stereotyping there, is there more?
I wish I were in Bristol
In my Vauxhall Astral car
Scoffing some bananals
Down 'arbourside Oo Ar
Ah wush ah were in Glasgy
Tae swag doon Sauchiehall
And Gie m'sel a swally
Is't me ye're lookin' at, Jimmy? traditional
Hmmm... I wish I were Mancunian
Let's 'ave it. Proper sound
But you all think I'm in Corrie
'Cos Boddingtons you've downed.
I'm glad I'm not a scouser
With inimitable speech
It's way more posh in Southport
And great on Formby beach. Hooray!
If I sound like a Brummie
As Noddy Holder does
You'd imagine I was scummy
As Noddy Holder was
Hidden textIt most certainly _duz_ rhyme
It's my turn for Prime Minister
I'll soon have this mess fixed
I won't do owt that's sinister oblig.
'Though feelings may be mixed
I've got loads of fireworks
They don' arf make a racket
We'll blow up all those dire berks
Tho' they cost a packet
I glad I'm not in Qatar
But I'll watch it on the box
Where punditry and chat are
Making unimportance into shocks.
The 12-day countdown starts today
so let's go down the pub
And sing a jolly roundelay
Then get some beer and grub.
We want some figgy pudding
But Tesco is sold out
So I'll make do with some parkin
And a jug of curried trout.
Surprising what Tesco stocks nowadays!
Forgot that auld acquaintance
And never brought to mind
Eschew that cup of kindness
That's not the way, you'll find.
Twelfth Night is upon us
Whichever night that is
Hidden textI've never been quite sure how to count it.
We marked the date with honours
At our local's Annual Quiz
Burns Night us upon us
I'll get the bandages
Let haggis take the honours
I don't care what he sez
The trouble with marmalade
Lies deep within my psyche
It's a pithy problem
Trauma for breakfast - oh crikey.
I wish I'd heard the news that
The sun's going supernova
Best get on a Vogon ship
To wait safely till it's over.
I'd like to thank the one-eyed toad
Who plays for Tottenham Hotspur
She's often seen at White Hart Lane
Hoping for a transfer
Outside it's wet and windy
Inside, it's quite warmer
Really, I can't wait for spring
Oh! Is that the first Keir Starmer?
Mercy killing
Let's try and get this back on track
Just like a railway train
So you go lift it from the back
The train will take the strain
I wish I was an artichoke
Classier than a cabbage
I'd look down on asparagus
And all the other baggage.
Now if I were a penguin
An emperor I'd be!
I'd lord it over all my realm
In this bloody freezing sea
I'm going to dine al fresco
In Skegness's bracing air
My ready meal's from Tesco
I'll eat it with amazing flair
I'm going to take a holiday
South Georgia here we come
Among the sheep and penguins
I'm bound to feel at home.
<
I want to take a few days off
Just to spite my boss
I'll pretend I've got a nasty cough
If he sacks me—that's his loss!
It's finally the end of term
See you in September
I now have time to wiggle and squirm
Which I'll do, as a Morniverse member.
I wish I had a crystal ball
Just like Mystic Meg's
I'd swing it hard against the wall
And smash it just like eggs oblig.
I wish I were a solar flare
Bursting into space
Making havoc with the upper air
Whilst leaving not a trace
I wish I had a giant cake
To satisfy my greed
But oh my friends, make no mistake
A wish is not a need.
To start my little Hallmark rhyme [KS, R, C, R] That last one - too perfect! Cake all round!
I'm scribing with a pen
Though I'd rather be a mime
It's nice just now and then
Seasons come and seasons go
But love is aye forever
I only wish that that were so
For some divorce will sever
I think that ev'ryone complains
About the town of Bracknell
And all because that rower, James
Did change his name to Cracknell
When I join the House of Lords
And give my maiden speech
I'll summon all my Zords
To take Black Rod to the beach.
I wish I lived upon the moon
To see earth rise each morn
From dusk right through to dawn
I wish I lived in outer space
Far from the madding crowd
With Bathsheba Everdene
Or with Girls Aloud
I'm glad I'm not a doctor
'Cos I'd be underpaid
Not like a college proctor
Where fortunes can be made
I wish I had an antelope
For they are very tasty
When butchered fit for Masterchef
To make a Kenyan pasty.
I wish I hadn't started this
It leads I know not where (Raak) That's not what they call them in Cornwall
So please be mindful when I kiss
You don’t know what’s “down there”.
I wish that were Santa
For then I would see
When you last had your chimney swept
And who's atop your tree
I wish I had a Christmas tree
With a fairy on the top
Against which my small dog could pee
He will; he cannot stop
If I were a Santa's elf
I'd hammer all the toys
And into one or two I'd slip
Some poisonous alloys
They said that this dog was for life
But life is short for some (Bis) That's rather limericky
[Rosie] Oops...
So I've made him my next of kin
In case people think that I'm dumb.
I wish I spoke Swahili
Then I could reconnect
Perhaps more touchy-feely
No, I'm more select
If I were a snowman
With a carrot for a nose
Angular and Roman
You'd see how much it glows.
If I knew then what I know now
I'd choose a different course
No longer would I need to bow
To Romans, Jutes, and Norse (lament of the Iceni)
I wish I knew the secret
Of trying to sing in tune
But I have a voice just like a frog
So I'll serenade the moon.
I don't forgive the roundheads
For actions cavalier
Old Olie was a tyrant
And he took away our beer
I wish I weren’t innumerate
So mathematically numb
I can't work out the interest rate
Being Chancellor was dumb
I'm glad I'm not Jeremy Hunt
For taxing is his role
And I feel taxed just standing up
But rhyming slang's his goal.
I hold it, hold it, hold it more
My effort is in vain
For now it’s down there on the floor
Next time I'll use a crane.
I wish I were an elephant
In the corner of the room
All would see but none would tell
That I'm the voice of doom.
I wish I were a punk rocker
With piercings in my face
For this would be more likely than
The plan that is in place
I wish I were a nightingale
I'd charm the world with song
Which flighty chorus might entail
And sing all night long.
I'm glad I'm not a princess
'Cos I'd be so fussy.
Sign up to OnlyFans dear chap
Become a shameless hussy!
I'm glad I'm not Marcel Marceau
Or I’d have this to say:
"                                         "
But that was yesterday
I'm glad I'm not a busted flush
For that's an awful fate
But I am just a failure
At getting my first date.
I'm glad I'm not a man of war
A hydrozoan beast
I'm more inclined to think of peace
In Portugal at least
I wonder what's on the box
The one containing tricks
Oh. Nothing. I'll go out instead.
And find nothing at the flicks.
If I smell the roses
I might just prick my nose
And those who prick their noses
Stub their knees and pick their toes.
I long for obsolescence
Swift turnaround's my thing
I'll transmigrate my essence
For to nothing I do cling
These boots were made for something
And something's what they'll do
Observe as they do one thing
That's walk all over you
The quality of mercy
Depends on who you know
Luckily, my friends agree
You ordered flesh to go.
I wish I were in Amsterdam
To see the parakeets
While sipping on my Advocaat
And moistening the seats.
I know a bank where wild thyme blows
That's sweetly sprung in June
And like my love the musk-red rose
I’ll feel a right ass soon.
To be or not to be, that is
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