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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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My roses are all brown
My runner beans are hardening
And the weevils are in town
For just a million dollars
My car is up for sale
It wears a clerical collar
And runs on home-brewed ale
I closed my eyes and saw the light
And knew that death was near
He carried thirty-seven scythes
But I'm old, and have no fear.
I've eaten chicken nuggets
Hidden textThat car sounds fun, but would home brewed ale be cheaper than gasoline . . er petrol . . .
I hope they don't react
But I'll just take some precautions
I'll purge after the fact. euuuwww. Sorry.
I sing a song of sixpence
I don't have much to spend
But my birdie pie's a whopper
Some money, could you lend?
Simple Simon met a pie man Continuing the theme
Coming through the rye
Simon said "Give me your pies now"
And all he said was "Why?"
If I were Jack and you were Jill
And we were all alone
We'd not waste time with hills and pails
We'd be each on our smartphone .
A tuffet-seated missy
Was tickled by a spider
She pilled her why upon the ground
But it should have gone inside her.
Hidden text(KS) Did you mean whey?
A little laddie dressed in blue
Slept under a pile of hay
Hidden text[Rosie] Yes, whey and also spilled. My laptop likes to make my cursor jump all over - can hardly wait to get my new one.
While livestock ran alas amok
That night 'twas hell to pay.
The Duke of York was very grand
Ten grand in his charge
He marched them to the summit, and
Down then, by and large
A dragon went into his cave
To lay on piles of gold
All that glister, what a rave (Softers) Brilliantly prosaic
But soon its bum turned cold
An egg is such a curious thing
Bash it and it cracks
But keep it warm for many days
And you might see it hatch.
The owl said to the pussy cat
Why is your tail so long?
This pick-up line was met with a
Sling your hook - begone!
A man who came from Timbuktu
Arrived in Samarkand
And asked to use the nearest loo
When things got out of hand
I wish I were a painter (Chalky) Disgraceful
Then your house I'd decorate
I'd paint it all in tangerine
And display it at the Tate.
I've got a huge desire
For a gender change
In order to inspire
A greater thespian range.
Now look what you've done Last one v good esp pen. Ardderchog. Pum seren etc etc
There's no jelly in the jar
You've eaten all my homemade jam
And left the fridge ajar.
You ate the peanut butter
With sardines spread on toast
You're just a greedy nutter
And you've failed as a host.
It's June, and light abounds Sorry, Dujon
Tbe fireflies have come.
Hark! What are those sounds!
The firefly's burning bum
The sedge has withered from the lake
And no bird comes to make his song
And no bird comes to sing
Hidden textbetter fits the glow-worm metre
That beauteous woman was a fake!
(Knight's daze is misleading.)
With bluer skies and lengthening days
It's time to set the heath ablaze
A roaring fire is just the thing
To make the roasting pigeons sing - AABB silliness
I long to be a glow worm
A glow worm's never bored
A butt that shines is all they need
To get themselves adored.
I yearn to be a clerihew
But cannot break the mould
Boris Johnson is my name.
Same old, same old, same old.
Soon it'll be midsummer
The pollen count sky-high
'Cos allergy's a bummer (KagS) So it's you, is it
I often question why
I wish I were an epic
But I never learned to ep
So I'll stay among the shadows
And do so step-by-step
I wish I had a genie
In a lamp of molten brass
With a gently glowing yellow light pls pls pls...
That shines out of his arse. What you had in mind, pen?
[Raak] Yes, and thank you - but it wasn't just me. You could see the other contributors were all building up to it...
I wish that it were pay day It is actually, but that just means I can afford the poetic license to imagine that it's not
Then for a while I will feel flush
I'll have a splendid gay day
And top up my fund labelled "slush".
The ration is one verse per week
Or that's what it would seem
Such stinginess deserves a tweak
If we aspire to meme
Rationing poems ought to be a crime
As woeful scansion is
Equally, a clunky rhyme
Isn't quite the biz
Such clunkiness in public prose
Is common as a loaf of bread
So let us roundly condemn those
Whose rhymes have no street cred
Dogs are funny creatures
Although they're none too bright
Their sweet appealing features
Yes, but they smell and bark all night
I hope to take a holiday
In far-off Timbuktoo
I hope they've got an airport
And a ladies' loo
I've booked a short vacation
To somewhere where it's dry
Because my medication
Tends to make me high
Obligatory rhyming
Is really not so hard
But sometimes it just takes a lot
... All right, Software—you're barred!
Hidden textNot really. :)
I try to make it simple easy
'Cos we're all pretty dim
Our IQ rating is the pits
At least it's more than HIM.
I wish I were a laser beam
At least I'd have some focus
My photons in a single team
Marking out my locus.
Hidden text And don’t complain about the pronunciation.
I'm glad I'm not anonymous
For then no one would know
That no one really knows me
So won't mourn me when I go
Now I'm really famous
My TikTok's taken off
I'm known worldwide as Seamus
The new Rachmaninoff
Oh! To be in Trebizond
In 1461
I'd say I was Agent Bond Looks like Q's latest gadget is a bit temperamental...
Hello, everyone!
I need a Covid passport
To see my Chinese gran
The funeral's in Wuhan
Where bats freely disport. [Chalky] Patience, patience
And now I've lost my glasses
I'm drinking from the bottle
Much like the swigging masses
I can barely waddle.
Today is not so boring
My camel's come for tea
Good job I've been storing
Its favorite raspberree.
Whilst brushing up my repartee
Of devastating wit
I found that I was shouted down
By one entitled tit.
Just because I'm sexy
Don't take my “no” as “yes”
My signals are complex, see?
My beard, moustache, and dress.
Don't just stand there smirking
We need some answers fast
This strategy's not working
We’re living in the past tbc
We must address the elephant
And use this GPS
Or nothing will get better
And we'll still be in this mess.
Delivering an elephant
The midwife's sternest test?
Stand well clear - they're heavy
Well, now! Who'd've guessed?
Autumn nights are drawing in
To tinge the skies with gold
And Mr Frosty's fingers
Will have you in their hold.
Summertime is coming
At least in parts more austral
But up here it's dark at four
When shadows haunt the claustral
Christmas time is looming
There will be fun for all
Boris has commanded it
At the Covid-19 ball Mercy killing. Onwards.
Beware the claws of Omnicron!
Hidden textsic
Which Borish vows to fight
But any vow that Boris makes
Is just a pile of shite
I wish I were a teabag (Chalky) Couldn't've put it better meself.
Floating in a mug
Waiting to be pulled out
And go dripping on the rug.
I wish I were a teaspoon
For I'm a nat'ral stirrer
I'd swish about inside your mug
mugs off
Whilst rebooting some Glow Worms
For amusiement I need Sorry, I'm a bit pissed. It's the brandy, y'know. Dreadful stuff.
To get some improved scansion
Indeed!
To again reboot this glow-worm
I write a witty line
A quick fix for the short term - [invoking ABAB]
The closing punch is mine!
The glow-worm's running smoother
and I, for one, am glad
We've found our feet and who the
hell could claim that that's all bad?
I wish I were a plectrum trad.
A little plucking thing
And play a tuneful spectrum dodged that one by the skin of our glow-worm teeth
Of stuff you'd like to sing
O to be in finland
Now that winter's here
The coasts's not bad but inland
It's f**king freezing there They run out of the sauna and roll in the snow, I hear.
When thoughts turn to the winter [Software] Don't knock it 'til you've tried it - bracing!
I snuggle up in bed
Waiting for the springtime [nights] I've been in Finnish saunas but not the snow bit.
Like splinters in my head [S'ware] no rhyme? ABAB not compulsory but way more fun.
I wish I had a wrecking ball
I'd ride it into you
'Cos I'm a bit aggressive
And it's a smashing thing to do [Chalky] variety is the spice of life, or so thay do say :)
I'm all dressed up and fancy
But I've nowhere to go
I'm told that necromancy
Is popular below.
I wish I were a hacksaw
With strong serrated blade
I'd cut right through the bullshit
That's how Glow Worms get made - slo-mo in here
I wish I were a magpie's nest
That's full of stolen treasure
I'd pick over the hidden treats
To do so gives me pleasure
I wish I weren't inclined to think
When late at night in bed
That I'm not going to sleep a wink
For fear I'll wake up dead
As I was walking out I found
A silver coin upon the ground   AABB declared
I'm rich, I thought, until I saw
Someone who clearly needed it more.
Quite neat, I think, although a touch of the shoehorn is needed in one place.
Hidden textSomeone who needed it much more.
As I was walking out I heard
A mournful plaintive cry
Next-door's cat had caught a bird
And ate it by and by
I wish I had a mocking bird
To mock you all day long
Because you are a shocking turd
And more than often, wrong.
:^D
There's something very pleasing about collectively written gentle rhyming insults.
I wish I had a leaky boat
To row on my canal
Shall I add a cheeky note
Or one that's just banal?
I once noticed that a very unremarkable picture of mine on Flickr was getting a lot of clicks. Then I realised that the caption included the word "canal", but I'd left off the first letter.
I want my privets widely viewed
For my topiary is fine
Some might say they're mildly rude
Like privates, by design.
You know how badly these things go
When scansion is awry
As weaker poets' failings show
No matter how they try
I'm glad I'm not a tuning fork
With but a single note
For I have a complex waveform
And a terrible sore throat
I wish I had more sex appeal
But wallflower, that is me
I hang about in corners
And I'd rather watch TV.
I wish I were on holiday
In some exotic place
Dreaming I was far away
From all the human race.
I think I've had enough of work Ain't that the truth
It takes up too much time
It dulls the soul but pays the bills
Oh, buddy, spare a dime?
[RTG] Nice
They say that work, and lack of play,
Will make you rather boring
But I have always found a way
To live it up while choring.
Well, that's the Jubilee done
These flags are now redundant
Until the next coronashun
When once more they'll be abundant
I wish I had a magic wand
Such havoc I would wreak
As master of the demi-monde
I'm half-price all this week.Moving swiftly on...
I'm glad I'm not a hosepipe
Because I'd soon be banned
From pissing in the garden
In a manner underhand
I wish I were in Essex
'Cos I'm a dreadful chav
I'd down ten pints of Stella
Then puke up in the lav. oblig.
Great stereotyping there, is there more?
I wish I were in Bristol
In my Vauxhall Astral car
Scoffing some bananals
Down 'arbourside Oo Ar
Ah wush ah were in Glasgy
Tae swag doon Sauchiehall
And Gie m'sel a swally
Is't me ye're lookin' at, Jimmy? traditional
Hmmm... I wish I were Mancunian
Let's 'ave it. Proper sound
But you all think I'm in Corrie
'Cos Boddingtons you've downed.
I'm glad I'm not a scouser
With inimitable speech
It's way more posh in Southport
And great on Formby beach. Hooray!
If I sound like a Brummie
As Noddy Holder does
You'd imagine I was scummy
As Noddy Holder was
Hidden textIt most certainly _duz_ rhyme
It's my turn for Prime Minister
I'll soon have this mess fixed
I won't do owt that's sinister oblig.
'Though feelings may be mixed
I've got loads of fireworks
They don' arf make a racket
We'll blow up all those dire berks
Tho' they cost a packet
I glad I'm not in Qatar
But I'll watch it on the box
Where punditry and chat are
Making unimportance into shocks.
The 12-day countdown starts today
so let's go down the pub
And sing a jolly roundelay
Then get some beer and grub.
We want some figgy pudding
But Tesco is sold out
So I'll make do with some parkin
And a jug of curried trout.
Surprising what Tesco stocks nowadays!
Forgot that auld acquaintance
And never brought to mind
Eschew that cup of kindness
That's not the way, you'll find.
Twelfth Night is upon us
Whichever night that is
Hidden textI've never been quite sure how to count it.
We marked the date with honours
At our local's Annual Quiz
Burns Night us upon us
I'll get the bandages
Let haggis take the honours
I don't care what he sez
The trouble with marmalade
Lies deep within my psyche
It's a pithy problem
Trauma for breakfast - oh crikey.
I wish I'd heard the news that
The sun's going supernova
Best get on a Vogon ship
To wait safely till it's over.
I'd like to thank the one-eyed toad
Who plays for Tottenham Hotspur
She's often seen at White Hart Lane
Hoping for a transfer
Outside it's wet and windy
Inside, it's quite warmer
Really, I can't wait for spring
Oh! Is that the first Keir Starmer?
Mercy killing
Let's try and get this back on track
Just like a railway train
So you go lift it from the back
The train will take the strain
I wish I was an artichoke
Classier than a cabbage
I'd look down on asparagus
And all the other baggage.
Now if I were a penguin
An emperor I'd be!
I'd lord it over all my realm
In this bloody freezing sea
I'm going to dine al fresco
In Skegness's bracing air
My ready meal's from Tesco
I'll eat it with amazing flair
I'm going to take a holiday
South Georgia here we come
Among the sheep and penguins
I'm bound to feel at home.
<
I want to take a few days off
Just to spite my boss
I'll pretend I've got a nasty cough
If he sacks me—that's his loss!
It's finally the end of term
See you in September
I now have time to wiggle and squirm
Which I'll do, as a Morniverse member.
I wish I had a crystal ball
Just like Mystic Meg's
I'd swing it hard against the wall
And smash it just like eggs oblig.
I wish I were a solar flare
Bursting into space
Making havoc with the upper air
Whilst leaving not a trace
I wish I had a giant cake
To satisfy my greed
But oh my friends, make no mistake
A wish is not a need.
To start my little Hallmark rhyme [KS, R, C, R] That last one - too perfect! Cake all round!
I'm scribing with a pen
Though I'd rather be a mime
It's nice just now and then
Seasons come and seasons go
But love is aye forever
I only wish that that were so
For some divorce will sever
I think that ev'ryone complains
About the town of Bracknell
And all because that rower, James
Did change his name to Cracknell
When I join the House of Lords
And give my maiden speech
I'll summon all my Zords
To take Black Rod to the beach.
I wish I lived upon the moon
To see earth rise each morn
From dusk right through to dawn
I wish I lived in outer space
Far from the madding crowd
With Bathsheba Everdene
Or with Girls Aloud
I'm glad I'm not a doctor
'Cos I'd be underpaid
Not like a college proctor
Where fortunes can be made
I wish I had an antelope
For they are very tasty
When butchered fit for Masterchef
To make a Kenyan pasty.
I wish I hadn't started this
It leads I know not where (Raak) That's not what they call them in Cornwall
So please be mindful when I kiss
You don’t know what’s “down there”.
I wish that were Santa
For then I would see
When you last had your chimney swept
And who's atop your tree
I wish I had a Christmas tree
With a fairy on the top
Against which my small dog could pee
He will; he cannot stop
If I were a Santa's elf
I'd hammer all the toys
And into one or two I'd slip
Some poisonous alloys
They said that this dog was for life
But life is short for some (Bis) That's rather limericky
[Rosie] Oops...
So I've made him my next of kin
In case people think that I'm dumb.
I wish I spoke Swahili
Then I could reconnect
Perhaps more touchy-feely
No, I'm more select
If I were a snowman
With a carrot for a nose
Angular and Roman
You'd see how much it glows.
If I knew then what I know now
I'd choose a different course
No longer would I need to bow
To Romans, Jutes, and Norse (lament of the Iceni)
I wish I knew the secret
Of trying to sing in tune
But I have a voice just like a frog
So I'll serenade the moon.
I don't forgive the roundheads
For actions cavalier
Old Olie was a tyrant
And he took away our beer
I wish I weren’t innumerate
So mathematically numb
I can't work out the interest rate
Being Chancellor was dumb
I'm glad I'm not Jeremy Hunt
For taxing is his role
And I feel taxed just standing up
But rhyming slang's his goal.
I hold it, hold it, hold it more
My effort is in vain
For now it’s down there on the floor
Next time I'll use a crane.
I wish I were an elephant
In the corner of the room
All would see but none would tell
That I'm the voice of doom.
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