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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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I'd like to do f*ck all
I'd be just like a Tory
As in the House I sprawl.
A good cure for stomach ache
Is hair of t'dog that bit you
I don't mean too much Christmas cake
Or else your clothes won't fit you.
My New Year's resolution
Is not the usual thing
It's to find a solution
To all this Brexiting. [ Oblig., and with apologies for posting out of turn.]
I'm going to be a hermit
'Cos I'm an ugly sod
Unless it needs a permit Phew - only took me threre days to trhink of something that wasn't 'Kermit'
To sit upon yer tod.
I wish I were a traffic light
In Balham's High Road, yon
I'd stop all the birds in flight
But would then be sh*t upon
I'm not a first line hogger
The second's fine for me
Then again I am a blogger
Of abysmal poetry
I wrote some poems lately
I think they're rather good
The metre goes sedately
Like semolina pud.
I wish I were a trochee
Such a wild ambition!
But my metre would be far too short
And never reach fruition
The night was dark and stormy
Inside, the fire was bright
A glass of fine Old Tawny
Helped set the world aright.
The day was fresh and breezy
The trees danced in the wind
Spring's just around the corner
Let gloves and hats be binned.
The temperature dropped slowly
Defying hopes of Spring
So back out with the woollies
Not my idea of bling.
I treat my fleas with honey
I loan them to my wife
It costs her lots of money
She says "Oi Vey! My Life!"
When supping with The Devil
I use my longest spoon
The one that is quite runcible
To offer him a prune.
When taking tea with Mater
I always add some milk.
So let me call the waiter
Or someone of that ilk.
I need a new T.V. set
To watch new TV shows
My eyes will need a reset
I stared so much they froze
I want to be with people
Intent on revolution
Not lie down with the sheeple
And hope for absolution.
I wish to make a statement
Of my own theorEE
That laws on noise abatement
Should be sung pp.
My piano is a monster
That lives beneath my bed
My mother says it haunts her
It plays inside her head.
I cannot wear this headscarf
As I have misplaced my head
And so, because I'm headless
I think I must be dead.
I wish I were a drawing pin
Holding up a drawing
'Cos I love it when you push me in
And change my cool to 'thawing' Have I denied someone else a go at rhyming this? Soz...
I wish I could procrastinate
I'll practise it some day
But when I get around to it [Kim - nice :)]
I wish I had a parakeet
I'd chat to it all day
It wouldn't get a word in, and
I have a lot to say
I wish I had a wind turbine
To place atop this hill
To generate some leccy and
Sell it to Brazil.
Brazilian electricity
Just sambas through the wires
Its elegant lubricity
Shines as bright as fires.
Definitely crispworthy, that one.

Is your fire dull and lethargic?

[If that's not glow-wormy enough, feel free to kick it to the kerb.]
If so, it needs more draught I could do with a good draught
Anoint it with some spagyric
(The fan of alchemistic craft) Owwwww.
Hmm, let's try to get back to some good meter and rhyme here . . . hopefully.

If I had an ardvark
I'd set a leopard on it being basically a nasty sod
But as it's armour plated
[Software] As what is armour plated?
(Kim) Shurely the aardvark.
The leopard might not wannit.
I quite liked that one.
Yes, you can bring a leopard to an aardvark, but...
If I had a leopard
And took it for a walk
I then would be in jeopard'
And passers-by would squawk.
[Rosie, Software] But there is no aardvark. The aardvark is merely conjectural. A merely conjectural aardvark cannot be armour-plated.
(Kim) Logically, a conjectural aardvark may take any form whatever within the confines of overall aardvarkiness. It is my contention that such limits do not exclude armour plating or, indeed, a chastity belt.
[Rosie] Agreed, but then ipso facto the armour would also be conjectural.
[Kim]. Nooo, if it wasn't for the chastity belt, then the amour is conjugal.
I don't regret my snarkiness
In fact, it makes me proud
With just one pithy put-down, I [Pen: agreed, but for successful conjugation you have to be in the right mood.]
I stand above the crowd
I wish I were a chainsaw
Zig-zagging through a pine Dutch for 'saw' (n.) is zaag innit.
Instead I'm just a plain saw
Cutting through a vine
I wish I were a genie [pen] I love these linguistic things... Thanks for your "zaagacity"
To grant your every wish
As long as it was weenie
Cos I am skint. Well, -ish.
I rubbed the lamp with vigour
Its magic to arouse
Its puff of smoke grew bigger
As modesty allows.
An apparition formed
Then coughed amidst the smoke
"What the hell's this all about?"
"Is this some kind of joke?
"Here, try this can of Brasso"
"You'll find it's just the thing"
One drop in your espresso
Will start you vomiting
Hidden textSeriously, folks, don't drink Brasso - er, don't - https://jerrychicken.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/brasso-and-its-intoxicating-qualities/
Well, that's not what I wanted
I wonder what went wrong?
I wanted twenty Bensons
Not George and his love song
I'm glad I'm not a buffalo
I'd rather bison be
But either way I'm horny
So, I think I'll hump this tree.
An aardvark is a silly pet
I'd rather have a pig;
They're brainy; I would talk to it (KagomeShuko) Ace filth. Ardderchog yn wir
And find a whirligig
I'm glad I'm not a Tory
As I read in the "Mail"
The Brexit backstop story
Is now the Holy Grail Er, whatever that means
I love to take cold showers
A masochist, that's me
I feel like Austin Powers
But look like Mr T
I wish that I were clever
Like Carol Vorderman
But sadly I am dosy
So I do just what I can Mercy killing
The season is upon us
To spend a load of dosh
I've bought 47 presents
From Harrods 'cos I'm posh
If you need a reason
Why I'm standing here like this
The cubicles are taken up
And I'm bursting for a p*ss Well, someone had to
Inspired by an encounter with a few uncommon words...

If you chance to feel fatigue
All you need's a little feague
Leave egrote and all uhtceare
There's nothing quite like being heare.

feague: to thrust a live eel up a horse's fundament; generally, to excite or jolly along.
egrote: to feign sickness as an excuse for not working.
uhtceare: pre-dawn anxiety regarding the forthcoming day.

I have a cheap thesaurus
An inexpensive low-priced book
It's economical to use
Just open it, and look
All my hair's now orange
Dichromate Dierdre, that's me
I'm bang on trend says Twitter
Like Trump, I'm perfect, see
I wish I were a journalist
Writing porky pies Like Boris Johnson
And very conscientiously
Crossing T's and dotting I's.
I have no need for artifice
My beauty's clear to all
Untainted e'en by dentifrice
I await the curtain call
I wish I were a washing-line
Instead I'm just strung out
Perhaps a glass of summer wine
Would help cure me of gout.
I think I'll take a holiday
In Bali or Majorca
Just somewhere warm and sunny
And some distance from my stalker
I went to see the rodeo
To watch the broncos bucking careful ...
And after that excitement
I was knackered, so no fucking. (Juxt) Great care taken
I wish I were an MEP
Poking fun at Farage
And in the Strasbourg cafes
I'd swerve the milkshake barrage
I wish I were an astronaut
'Cos I'd love astronauting
Wow, that zero gravity
Can be really quite exhausting
I wish I were B. Johnson
And lived in No. 10
Then I'd really f*ck the country up
'Cos I'm a pathogen
Phew, here comes a heatwave
It really isn't fair
The gents perspire, the ladies glow
The nannies merely glare.
I wish I had the confidence
To tell you what I think
Instead, I have the diffidence
To say, "Let's have a drink!"
Let's raise a glass to pen today
A glass a-brim with cheer
Normality is back - hooray!
Unless I have to pay
My garden is a wilderness
And carefully neglected
I'm lacking in green fingeredness
Since I became elected.
They'll never overthrow me
'Cause I weigh 200 lbs
They could bring in the heavies, though
That is out of bounds. mercy killing
I tried to bowl a googly
The batsman was not fooled
He whacked it straight back to me
But 'no ball' was what was ruled.
I'm glad I'm not a bus stop
On a lonely country road
As transport hub I've reached the top
An "important transport node" Hooray!
I'm glad I'm not in parliament
It seems more like a zoo
There's an eagle and a johnber cow oh dear oh dear sorry sorry
That's often heard to moo.
It's time to fetch an adult
The kids do run amok
You'd think at least the House of Lords
Would give a flying fuck pretty much forced, I think
The days are drawing in now
Soon winter will be here
Hibernation is an option
I'll see you all next year.
Switch on the Bluetooth speaker
THEN TURN THE VOLume down
Or else your ears will hiss all night
Because your eardrums' blown
I feed my fish on plastic
They like it lightly fried
They eat and eat and eat and eat
They were fine, until they died.
If something seems a bit awry
Just go back to bed
It'll be alright in the morning
Or if not, I'll be dead.
I found this Roman candle
Burning very bright
But when it gave a sudden phut
I dropped the thing in fright
I wish I had the aptitude
To fix a leaking tap
But my handiness with spanners
Is, alas, just crap I have taken the liberty of putting this one out of its misery.
I wish I had a castle
With a moat both wide and deep
I'd stock it up with crocodiles
Don't stand too close - they leap.
If I controlled the weather
I'd have the sun shine every day;
And moonshine every evening till
My liver wouldn't play.
I think I'll leave the country
For a better one by far
One that welcomes foreigners
I'm thinking... Myanmar?
If I had a catapult
I'd gather all the rocks
I'd launch them with a gleeful twang
While standing in my socks
I think I'll buy a mangonel
They're cheap these days, I'm told
I'd mount it on a carousel
And paint the whole thing gold.
When I become emperor Mwa ha ha
Things will change, you'll see
I'll begin to live ex tempora [Rosie] Good enough?
To reach immortality.
(Pablo) Witty but misspelt. (tempore) Sorree!
I wish I were a porn star risque mode
Impressively equipped
My everything quite monsta
Though certain bits are snipped.
I wish I were a traffic jam
Layered gooseberry, orange, and plum
Tasty, sticky immobility
Hmmmnunumnummmuhrrmnum.
If I had an elephant
I'd place him in a room
I'd take care not to mention it
In case it bringeth doom
A honey badger in the loft
Says he doesn't care [oblig]
About the ever-rising floods
Because he isn't there
Koalas ask for drinks from bikers
I think we're all stumped. The rhythm's not right. How about...
When the Drop Bear needs a drink
It asks the nearest biker
Who answers thus in dulcet tone:
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