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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Definitely crispworthy, that one.

Is your fire dull and lethargic?

[If that's not glow-wormy enough, feel free to kick it to the kerb.]
If so, it needs more draught I could do with a good draught
Anoint it with some spagyric
(The fan of alchemistic craft) Owwwww.
Hmm, let's try to get back to some good meter and rhyme here . . . hopefully.

If I had an ardvark
I'd set a leopard on it being basically a nasty sod
But as it's armour plated
[Software] As what is armour plated?
(Kim) Shurely the aardvark.
The leopard might not wannit.
I quite liked that one.
Yes, you can bring a leopard to an aardvark, but...
If I had a leopard
And took it for a walk
I then would be in jeopard'
And passers-by would squawk.
[Rosie, Software] But there is no aardvark. The aardvark is merely conjectural. A merely conjectural aardvark cannot be armour-plated.
(Kim) Logically, a conjectural aardvark may take any form whatever within the confines of overall aardvarkiness. It is my contention that such limits do not exclude armour plating or, indeed, a chastity belt.
[Rosie] Agreed, but then ipso facto the armour would also be conjectural.
[Kim]. Nooo, if it wasn't for the chastity belt, then the amour is conjugal.
I don't regret my snarkiness
In fact, it makes me proud
With just one pithy put-down, I [Pen: agreed, but for successful conjugation you have to be in the right mood.]
I stand above the crowd
I wish I were a chainsaw
Zig-zagging through a pine Dutch for 'saw' (n.) is zaag innit.
Instead I'm just a plain saw
Cutting through a vine
I wish I were a genie [pen] I love these linguistic things... Thanks for your "zaagacity"
To grant your every wish
As long as it was weenie
Cos I am skint. Well, -ish.
I rubbed the lamp with vigour
Its magic to arouse
Its puff of smoke grew bigger
As modesty allows.
An apparition formed
Then coughed amidst the smoke
"What the hell's this all about?"
"Is this some kind of joke?
"Here, try this can of Brasso"
"You'll find it's just the thing"
One drop in your espresso
Will start you vomiting
Hidden textSeriously, folks, don't drink Brasso - er, don't - https://jerrychicken.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/brasso-and-its-intoxicating-qualities/
Well, that's not what I wanted
I wonder what went wrong?
I wanted twenty Bensons
Not George and his love song
I'm glad I'm not a buffalo
I'd rather bison be
But either way I'm horny
So, I think I'll hump this tree.
An aardvark is a silly pet
I'd rather have a pig;
They're brainy; I would talk to it (KagomeShuko) Ace filth. Ardderchog yn wir
And find a whirligig
I'm glad I'm not a Tory
As I read in the "Mail"
The Brexit backstop story
Is now the Holy Grail Er, whatever that means
I love to take cold showers
A masochist, that's me
I feel like Austin Powers
But look like Mr T
I wish that I were clever
Like Carol Vorderman
But sadly I am dosy
So I do just what I can Mercy killing
The season is upon us
To spend a load of dosh
I've bought 47 presents
From Harrods 'cos I'm posh
If you need a reason
Why I'm standing here like this
The cubicles are taken up
And I'm bursting for a p*ss Well, someone had to
Inspired by an encounter with a few uncommon words...

If you chance to feel fatigue
All you need's a little feague
Leave egrote and all uhtceare
There's nothing quite like being heare.

feague: to thrust a live eel up a horse's fundament; generally, to excite or jolly along.
egrote: to feign sickness as an excuse for not working.
uhtceare: pre-dawn anxiety regarding the forthcoming day.

I have a cheap thesaurus
An inexpensive low-priced book
It's economical to use
Just open it, and look
All my hair's now orange
Dichromate Dierdre, that's me
I'm bang on trend says Twitter
Like Trump, I'm perfect, see
I wish I were a journalist
Writing porky pies Like Boris Johnson
And very conscientiously
Crossing T's and dotting I's.
I have no need for artifice
My beauty's clear to all
Untainted e'en by dentifrice
I await the curtain call
I wish I were a washing-line
Instead I'm just strung out
Perhaps a glass of summer wine
Would help cure me of gout.
I think I'll take a holiday
In Bali or Majorca
Just somewhere warm and sunny
And some distance from my stalker
I went to see the rodeo
To watch the broncos bucking careful ...
And after that excitement
I was knackered, so no fucking. (Juxt) Great care taken
I wish I were an MEP
Poking fun at Farage
And in the Strasbourg cafes
I'd swerve the milkshake barrage
I wish I were an astronaut
'Cos I'd love astronauting
Wow, that zero gravity
Can be really quite exhausting
I wish I were B. Johnson
And lived in No. 10
Then I'd really f*ck the country up
'Cos I'm a pathogen
Phew, here comes a heatwave
It really isn't fair
The gents perspire, the ladies glow
The nannies merely glare.
I wish I had the confidence
To tell you what I think
Instead, I have the diffidence
To say, "Let's have a drink!"
Let's raise a glass to pen today
A glass a-brim with cheer
Normality is back - hooray!
Unless I have to pay
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