mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

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Pea and Honey Recipes

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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.

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And they tweet back to me!!!!

They say "At last a gourmet"

let's have a cup of tea

I wish I were a s'lebrity

My face in every rag

Whoring my integrity

It's for money - that's my bag

I wish to see the manager

These shoes are far too tight

He said "Now look 'ere, Bigfoot"

"The cust'mers never right!"

I wish I had my money back

I've been taken for a ride

I've landed up at Fenny Compton

And a part of me just died

I wish I had a picture hook

Upon my picture rail

I'd hang a picture of my mum

... Ah, hell, I'll use a nail

This painted pair of portrait eyes

Watch you around the room

And crinkle up with mirth when you
Go tripping in the gloom Mersea. Next!

I'm glad I'm not a guinea-pig

Testing things bizarre

I don't much want a thingummyjig

Stuck up my chocolate star
Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I'm glad I'm not a plagiarist ...

Of someone else's verses

My own sweat, blood, toil, tears, and grist

Eliminates such curses

I'm glad I'm not a plagiarist ...

My work is all my own

It is not copying, but "homage"

The best stuff but on loan

I wish I were a lady

Then get out those hormone pills

Your new name could be Sadie

And you too could wear frills

I wish I were a gentleman

I'd tip my hat to ladies

I'd wink at all the suffragettes

Who'd curse me back to Hades

I wish I were transgender covering all bases

And could sit down to pee

But that takes balls and mine have gone

Irrevocabably

I've covered all the bases

Potash, lime, ammonia

My scientific nature

Has made my kidneys stonier

It's not the grotty weather

That makes me think of home

For I'm from sunny Timbuktu

And live in a glass dome!

I wish I had a hammer

And nails and four-by-two

A glue-pot, mitre box, and saw

I'd make a box for you

Now get inside this coffin

And I'll nail down the lid

And once you're six feet under

You'll remember what you did!

If I'd been landed gentry

You'd have to bow and scrape

And offer up your daughters

For legally sanctioned and I really don't feel like completing that line.

I deliberately didn't open that door. Moving on...

I've often wondered if it's true

That drinking caustic soda Once a chemist, . . . .

Quite odd consequences has

On one's body odour

I wish I were a postman

Misdirecting all your mail

Bending all your photographs

When letter boxes fail

I wish I were in orbit

Around the planet Saturn

I'd rearrange its many moons

PS Apols for the distasteful "landed gentry" 3rd line on 26/11. I thought someone would come up with a witty dodge of the obvious rhyme, but now it transpires that I can't think of one either!

Into a pleasing pattern. Will that do?

It will indeed, pen, but this new gravity thing everybody's on about will destroy your artwork in an astronomically short time, i.e. less than ten million years.

Hidden text

It is I, Rosie.

I wish I weren't so sleepy

So flatulent, so dull

I think it's down to Brussels sprouts

And long post-Christmas lull

I wish my resolution

Was not so hard to keep

An easier solution

Just give this year a Leap

I'm glad I'm not a dustbin (Chalky) V neat.

Filled with people's trash

The detritus of daily life

Is hard to swop for cash

I'm glad I'm not a hairbrush

Nor, indeed, a comb

'Cos half a ton of dandruff

Calls your head a home eeeuuuuwwww.

Oh take me to the Mardi Gras!

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