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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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I have a wish for the coming year
It's really rather silly
That I should give up drinking beer
I'd rather lose my willy
I wish I were a Hobbit
With huge and hairy feet
Or p'raps Lorena Bobbit I've considered not playing that line, but I don't think that I should
With a penchant for sliced meat - Let's move swiftly on, while I cross my legs gingerly
I wish I were a cat's eye
I watch upon the road
For the erring motorist
Lest he by Death be mowed.
I wish I were a carrier bag
A proper one, not plastic
I'd bring home the bacon
Now isn't that fantastic?
I wish that Juliette Binoche
Was not mentioned in this ditty
Perhaps a nice recette brioche
Would make this verse more pretty?
The human epiglottis
(Like other epiglotts)
Tucked away behind the scene
To tie your voice in knots
I wish I were a haggis
That runs around the glen
I'd wait till Easter Monday
I'd be safe by then
I'd love to be a rocket
Leaving trails of sparks
Inside my lover's pocket
Lest the spouse do find the marks
I'd love to start a glow-worm
With these brand new jump leads
I'd write of things electric
And whate'er the rhyme scheme needs.
I wish I were a pussycat
With whiskers I would tickle
And flit around from home to home
My love being always fickle.
If I hadn't sent that letter
I would now be Mayor of Chard
If you want to do better
Don't let 'em mark your card
I wish my poems rhymed
Blank verse is so 'de trop*
And lyrics that I've mimed
Don't always scan I know
I wish I were a Brummie
Don't laugh. I really do.
My vowels aren't posh or plummy
But I'd do Shakespeare better'n you
[R, CdM, K, cfm] Splendid.
The windows all need cleaning
The kitchen floor's a mess
But such work's so demeaning
Go get your Mom, I guess
I love procrastinastion
I'll do some more tomorrow
But I'm gripped by vacillation
Have you time to borrow?
If I were an alarm clock
No doubt I'd be resented
But only by vague arty types
With lives unregimented .. had to be done
If I were a carpenter
I'd bang and thump and hammer
And sometimes acshly hit the nail
In the accepted manner
Pheer mai awsom3 h4cking skillz
Defy a wall; it crumbles
I'm not sure where this going
NOBODY expects the—
Oh, bugger.
I wish I were an organ pipe
A 32 foot beast
I'd tremble with the voice of God
My volume much increased
I wish I were a snowman
That's newly sprung in Spring
A pointy root veg for a nose
Another for my thing I believe it is customary to issue a request for an outer garment at this juncture.
I wish I were a mousetrap
With Edam I'd be primed [CdM]
Hidden textExactly the four words I decided not to post, as there's too much Philth in this world already ;-)
A little mouse of Amsterdam
His hunger so mistimed.
Hidden text(Phil) No there isn't.
I'm glad I'm not a milkman
Out in't snow and dark Boreal usage scansion imperative claim.
Slipping on an icy path
Sod that for a lark
[K, R, S, C] Excellent!
Another job I wouldn't do
Is much involved with lobsters
I'd rather take a blood oath
And join a gang of mobsters.
The worst job that I ever had [Rosie?]
Turned both my elbows green
Collecting cat poo was my lot (Kim) I seem to have jumped the gun.
While dressed up like a queen
While working for Jayne Mansfield
I lost a lot of weight
Yanking all those lobsters oblig.
Out of her 'tailgate' What Rosie said
*chuckles*
I wish I were a golf club
Gripped firmly with a glove
I'd swing and swing the wrong way
And hit heads from above.
I'm glad I'm not an Easter Egg
With spring-like obsolescence
Consumed with avaricious haste
I reek now of its essence. ie I'm covered in chocolate
I took a pee while I was doing that. Sorry.
An 'oenelope' is someone who runs off with the wine.
Us isobars are all quite close
We're cooking up a storm
We'll squeeze the air along at speed (Chalky) We pedants are horrified, m'dear.
But will not keep you warm.
I will tell a knock-knock joke
That's sure to split your sides
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Archie
Andrews. And laughter, it subsides.
Three blokes pop in their public house
(A rabbi, a priest and a Scot) That is how the joke goes, isn't it? No?
A fart by one makes t'next one sneeze
And the third shouts out "twot" moving swiftly on ...
Some people really try too hard .. last one was crap in every respect.
Ahem
- Some people really try too hard
- To show they are a wit
They dream up lines of poetry
That somehow don't quite fit
I think the last one needed to conclude in frenzied anticlimax, viz;

Three blokes pop in their public house
(A rabbi, priest and Scot)
Something funny happens then
But I've forgotten what.

[SM] Bravo!
A young man's fancy turns to love
Every seventh minute [Simons Mith] splendidly deft!
And in between he thinks of sex [SM] *applauds* [Rosie] I was thinking of young Archie Mides.
Cuz that's the best part, isn't it?
I wish I were a plectrum (cfm) You're too like edjumacated, innit. (CdM) I can never read your mind, you know.
I'd strum your heart-strings well
Until you fell in love with me
Or taught me how to spell
I'm glad I'm not a rocking horse
They're prone to constipation
But should they strain to make the grade
Then cyclic defaecation. (pen) How do you know?
[Rosie] I've heard that rocking horse shit is very rare. Ergo... they don't go.
I'm glad I'm not a Barbie doll
Inside a plastic box
Though I'd be free from creepy Ken (pen) Sorry, crap logic. Boo-boom.
Who pleasures into socks grabs coat and scarpers
If I were a Lego man Staying with the toy theme
Made up of block and bricks
I'd emigrate to Minecraft world
With crafting box and picks [Rosie] I didn't actually expect anyone to think of Archie Mides; I just thought it wasn't fair to post a knock-knock without some follow-up in mind.
Ben 10 seems quite a cunning chap
With magic watch on wrist
It helps him change his shape at will
But sometimes things get missed. .. no takers for a week. Time to bale.
Have to admit I don't know a lot about Ben 10, apart from the fact that he was on my small nephew's pyjamas a couple of years ago.
Our planning seems in uproar
You can't put that thing there!
It's really not in keeping [Ben 10 - 'an anime character called Ben' was the limit of my knowledge about 'im]
And is messing up my hair. [pen, SM] No problem .. I had to google 'creepy Ken' ^^^ up there.
My mother is a weirdo
My father watches birds
My brother's got a little box
In which he keeps turds Coat!
That's not the Box of Delights!
Sorry, I limericked. Unless someone can find a way to fix it up. The Whoops button would let me change it, but not remove it, so I'm a bit stuck now.
Just start a new one.
I wish that button turned back time
And held the moving finger back (metre variation alert)
I might think of a better rhyme
Or go off on a different tack
I wish I were a mummy
Encased in tiles of jade
On legs and head and tummy
Our sponsorship displayed
I wish it would stop raining
It will, but not just yet
I've mastered aquaplaning
Bifurcating with But wetsuits make me sweat/But sweatsuits make me wet
I wish I had a potting shed
Where I could grow my pot
With grow-lights shining all day long
I'd be stoned as like as not
I wish I had a clematis Chelsea week, innit?
Perhaps a Russian vine
Both of them get out of hand
And bring your dashed fence "dine." Literally true in my case. (pen) No, it was last week we won the Europa Cup:-)
I've overdosed on Hollyhocks
My nose runs like a tap
I have what look like chicken pox
I hope it's not the clap. No way to not do that.
The larkspur is a wondrous sight
The perfume quite sublime
I've doused it all with gasoline
So I can end this rhyme.
I grew a little pear tree
Its fruit was firm and plump
I swapped it for a milk cow
And made a callithump Callithump. n. a noisy boisterous parade.
I wish I were a corkscrew
But with a left-hand twist
I'd bugger up your fingers
And stop you getting pissed oblig.
[pen] I had "And dislocate your wrist" in mind, but prefer yours.
I wish I were left-handed
For then all would be right
Unles you are a little gauche
But gaucher, that's a blight. No it isn't - Je suis left-handed.
If I were ambidextrous
With hammer, saw and chisel
I'd do my work in half the time
Then tell the boss to swivel
I wish I were a swizzle stick
Warm and cozy in some joe
This is really nonsense
So to the bin must go.
I wish I were a drummer
But not like Ringo Starr
More like those chaps from "Kodo"
They're betterer by far.
Nonsense? Why?
http://www.pier1.com/Scroll-Swizzle-Sticks/2691834,default,pd.html?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=PLA&utm_campaign=google_pla&utm_content=2691834&s_cid=pla0000001&kpid=2691834

http://www.snopes.com/language/eponyms/cupofjoe.asp

I wish I had some second sight
Such wisdom I'd display
I'd not need glasses all my life
.. stepping in before game loses all momentum ..
And double my cachet.
When I was but a little lad
And thought that girls were soppy
I'd go and do those boisterous things
While being rather stroppy.
But after I had adolesced
I took things much more seriously
I opened books and aced the tests
And chased the girls ingeniously.
Advancing age has done me well
My knees are holding up
I've still got hair, but time will tell
That my heart needs a tuneup.
I wish I had a bus pass
I'd travel all day long
'Tho I'd have nowhere to go
I'd sing this happy song:

< mode=song >
The sun shines on the dickie birds
The sun shines on the ants
The sun shines on my privates
'Cos I'm not wearing any pants.
[Raak]
Hidden textI had a horrible feeling someone might miss the opportunity. Phew!
*laughs out loud - like, really LOUD*
I wish it were tomorrow night [Phil] If you were worried, how do you think I felt? I chose my line with that fourth line in mind, but I wasn't holding my breath.
Today seems just so dull [CdM] Well done, sir!
But then, I may not make it
Through one more day in Hull. [CdM,Phil] Your humble servant.
I've always liked the circus
Where threadbare lions roar [Raak] And another excellent last line. Would it be tempting fate to say you're on a roll?
From reverie they jerk us (Shuddup at the back over there in the US).
As through our limbs they gnaw
I wish I were upon the beach
Atop a sandy dune
A glass of beer within my reach
And you, my dear, to spoon
If I had a lot of time [S, C, R, p] Aww.
This coyness, lady, were no crime
But hark! Time's chariot hurries near
So let's get on with it, my dear. Sorry, couldn't resist.
If all the seas were suncream
The fish would squirm and splutter
And if the Alps were made of toast
I'd spread them with snow butter
If you and I were ponies
We'd have a trick or two
We'd dance like Darcey Bussell
With fetlocks en tendu
If 2 and 2 made twenty-two
Two twos would make it too
And two ones too, when timesed by two
I don't give a sod, do you?
[SW] Actually I do. Spoilsport. And after your elegant finale to the last one ... :(
If I woke up with great big wings
I'd take a look at higher things it still fits with the rhyme scheme, AABB,
From somewhere in the stratosphere
For I am bold. What matters fear?
I wish I had an ice cold beer [Chalks] sorry, sorry, sorry
To slake my sun-baked thirst
A lovely glass of Budweiser [Now you're upsetting the real ale nuts. :-) Ice cold is how you serve American horse piss, because at 0° you can't taste how horrible it is.]
With CO2 I'll burst. BURP! (SM) Why on earth do people do it?
If you served that ice-cold muck
I'd assume it was a joke
With such stuff I'll have no truck
I'll stick to rum and coke
Happy hour will soon be here
I'll therefore order double
So whiskey whiskey beer beer
And tons of Dubble Bubble
Hidden textoops forgot this
I'm glad I'm not a snowflake
For if I was I'd melt
For all of my uniqueness
Could no longer be felt.
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