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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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I went to see the doctor
About my indigestion
He said I really oughter
Ask the cook that question.
I went to see the dentist
My gums were red and sore
So he extracted all my teeth
It cost a grand and more.
According to my therapist
I have to face my fears
To banish all my demons
I must kill Wackford Squeers.
I went for acupuncture
Got stung for fifty pounds
The puncturist was quite a prick
And stabbed me out of bounds
I wish my back was better
At lifting kegs of beer
My whistle would be wetter
We'd all have more to cheer. A sad tale
I wish I were an urban fox
Tattered, torn and haggard
Running free through dales and fells
Is not my scene you've gathered
I wish I were redundant
(At least from my employment) We need you. :-)
And with my mighty severance pay We hope
Whole seconds of enjoyment
I so wish it weren't Christmas
Well, it ain't. Not yet.
Ignore it; it'll go away
And you'll stay out of debt
I wish that I were wealthy
I'd chuck the job and go
And shag the arse off Polly Toynbee
Because I love her so
I've just forked out for winter tyres
For soon I will be going
To places where the snow is deep
And the Glühwein will be flowing :o)
New week, new rhyme - or so they say
Whoever they may be
Calliope and all the rest
Are good at poetree
I wish it weren't so frosty
Hidden textI don't really, I love it
My nose has fallen off
And as for other organs
I'm trying not to cough
I wonder if the Mayans
Had ever really thought
About those 'Best Before' dates
And bollocks nonsense of that sort.
The Mayans have predicted tempting fate
The world's about to end
And on the twentysecond
We'll all just spend, spend, spend. Well, why not?
It must be time for beer by now
Or mulled wine at the least
I've waited nearly half an hour
I am a thirsty beast.
Hurrah! The hols are almost here
And I've skived off already (I wish)
I've finished working for the year
And I'm reading Ferlinghetti
I wish I had spent Christmas Day
Working overtime for treble pay
Then with the money I'd defray
(Oops, I mistook this for a limerick.)
The cost of booze in Whitley Bay.
I have a wish for the coming year
It's really rather silly
That I should give up drinking beer
I'd rather lose my willy
I wish I were a Hobbit
With huge and hairy feet
Or p'raps Lorena Bobbit I've considered not playing that line, but I don't think that I should
With a penchant for sliced meat - Let's move swiftly on, while I cross my legs gingerly
I wish I were a cat's eye
I watch upon the road
For the erring motorist
Lest he by Death be mowed.
I wish I were a carrier bag
A proper one, not plastic
I'd bring home the bacon
Now isn't that fantastic?
I wish that Juliette Binoche
Was not mentioned in this ditty
Perhaps a nice recette brioche
Would make this verse more pretty?
The human epiglottis
(Like other epiglotts)
Tucked away behind the scene
To tie your voice in knots
I wish I were a haggis
That runs around the glen
I'd wait till Easter Monday
I'd be safe by then
I'd love to be a rocket
Leaving trails of sparks
Inside my lover's pocket
Lest the spouse do find the marks
I'd love to start a glow-worm
With these brand new jump leads
I'd write of things electric
And whate'er the rhyme scheme needs.
I wish I were a pussycat
With whiskers I would tickle
And flit around from home to home
My love being always fickle.
If I hadn't sent that letter
I would now be Mayor of Chard
If you want to do better
Don't let 'em mark your card
I wish my poems rhymed
Blank verse is so 'de trop*
And lyrics that I've mimed
Don't always scan I know
I wish I were a Brummie
Don't laugh. I really do.
My vowels aren't posh or plummy
But I'd do Shakespeare better'n you
[R, CdM, K, cfm] Splendid.
The windows all need cleaning
The kitchen floor's a mess
But such work's so demeaning
Go get your Mom, I guess
I love procrastinastion
I'll do some more tomorrow
But I'm gripped by vacillation
Have you time to borrow?
If I were an alarm clock
No doubt I'd be resented
But only by vague arty types
With lives unregimented .. had to be done
If I were a carpenter
I'd bang and thump and hammer
And sometimes acshly hit the nail
In the accepted manner
Pheer mai awsom3 h4cking skillz
Defy a wall; it crumbles
I'm not sure where this going
NOBODY expects the—
Oh, bugger.
I wish I were an organ pipe
A 32 foot beast
I'd tremble with the voice of God
My volume much increased
I wish I were a snowman
That's newly sprung in Spring
A pointy root veg for a nose
Another for my thing I believe it is customary to issue a request for an outer garment at this juncture.
I wish I were a mousetrap
With Edam I'd be primed [CdM]
Hidden textExactly the four words I decided not to post, as there's too much Philth in this world already ;-)
A little mouse of Amsterdam
His hunger so mistimed.
Hidden text(Phil) No there isn't.
I'm glad I'm not a milkman
Out in't snow and dark Boreal usage scansion imperative claim.
Slipping on an icy path
Sod that for a lark
[K, R, S, C] Excellent!
Another job I wouldn't do
Is much involved with lobsters
I'd rather take a blood oath
And join a gang of mobsters.
The worst job that I ever had [Rosie?]
Turned both my elbows green
Collecting cat poo was my lot (Kim) I seem to have jumped the gun.
While dressed up like a queen
While working for Jayne Mansfield
I lost a lot of weight
Yanking all those lobsters oblig.
Out of her 'tailgate' What Rosie said
*chuckles*
I wish I were a golf club
Gripped firmly with a glove
I'd swing and swing the wrong way
And hit heads from above.
I'm glad I'm not an Easter Egg
With spring-like obsolescence
Consumed with avaricious haste
I reek now of its essence. ie I'm covered in chocolate
I took a pee while I was doing that. Sorry.
An 'oenelope' is someone who runs off with the wine.
Us isobars are all quite close
We're cooking up a storm
We'll squeeze the air along at speed (Chalky) We pedants are horrified, m'dear.
But will not keep you warm.
I will tell a knock-knock joke
That's sure to split your sides
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Archie
Andrews. And laughter, it subsides.
Three blokes pop in their public house
(A rabbi, a priest and a Scot) That is how the joke goes, isn't it? No?
A fart by one makes t'next one sneeze
And the third shouts out "twot" moving swiftly on ...
Some people really try too hard .. last one was crap in every respect.
Ahem
- Some people really try too hard
- To show they are a wit
They dream up lines of poetry
That somehow don't quite fit
I think the last one needed to conclude in frenzied anticlimax, viz;

Three blokes pop in their public house
(A rabbi, priest and Scot)
Something funny happens then
But I've forgotten what.

[SM] Bravo!
A young man's fancy turns to love
Every seventh minute [Simons Mith] splendidly deft!
And in between he thinks of sex [SM] *applauds* [Rosie] I was thinking of young Archie Mides.
Cuz that's the best part, isn't it?
I wish I were a plectrum (cfm) You're too like edjumacated, innit. (CdM) I can never read your mind, you know.
I'd strum your heart-strings well
Until you fell in love with me
Or taught me how to spell
I'm glad I'm not a rocking horse
They're prone to constipation
But should they strain to make the grade
Then cyclic defaecation. (pen) How do you know?
[Rosie] I've heard that rocking horse shit is very rare. Ergo... they don't go.
I'm glad I'm not a Barbie doll
Inside a plastic box
Though I'd be free from creepy Ken (pen) Sorry, crap logic. Boo-boom.
Who pleasures into socks grabs coat and scarpers
If I were a Lego man Staying with the toy theme
Made up of block and bricks
I'd emigrate to Minecraft world
With crafting box and picks [Rosie] I didn't actually expect anyone to think of Archie Mides; I just thought it wasn't fair to post a knock-knock without some follow-up in mind.
Ben 10 seems quite a cunning chap
With magic watch on wrist
It helps him change his shape at will
But sometimes things get missed. .. no takers for a week. Time to bale.
Have to admit I don't know a lot about Ben 10, apart from the fact that he was on my small nephew's pyjamas a couple of years ago.
Our planning seems in uproar
You can't put that thing there!
It's really not in keeping [Ben 10 - 'an anime character called Ben' was the limit of my knowledge about 'im]
And is messing up my hair. [pen, SM] No problem .. I had to google 'creepy Ken' ^^^ up there.
My mother is a weirdo
My father watches birds
My brother's got a little box
In which he keeps turds Coat!
That's not the Box of Delights!
Sorry, I limericked. Unless someone can find a way to fix it up. The Whoops button would let me change it, but not remove it, so I'm a bit stuck now.
Just start a new one.
I wish that button turned back time
And held the moving finger back (metre variation alert)
I might think of a better rhyme
Or go off on a different tack
I wish I were a mummy
Encased in tiles of jade
On legs and head and tummy
Our sponsorship displayed
I wish it would stop raining
It will, but not just yet
I've mastered aquaplaning
Bifurcating with But wetsuits make me sweat/But sweatsuits make me wet
I wish I had a potting shed
Where I could grow my pot
With grow-lights shining all day long
I'd be stoned as like as not
I wish I had a clematis Chelsea week, innit?
Perhaps a Russian vine
Both of them get out of hand
And bring your dashed fence "dine." Literally true in my case. (pen) No, it was last week we won the Europa Cup:-)
I've overdosed on Hollyhocks
My nose runs like a tap
I have what look like chicken pox
I hope it's not the clap. No way to not do that.
The larkspur is a wondrous sight
The perfume quite sublime
I've doused it all with gasoline
So I can end this rhyme.
I grew a little pear tree
Its fruit was firm and plump
I swapped it for a milk cow
And made a callithump Callithump. n. a noisy boisterous parade.
I wish I were a corkscrew
But with a left-hand twist
I'd bugger up your fingers
And stop you getting pissed oblig.
[pen] I had "And dislocate your wrist" in mind, but prefer yours.
I wish I were left-handed
For then all would be right
Unles you are a little gauche
But gaucher, that's a blight. No it isn't - Je suis left-handed.
If I were ambidextrous
With hammer, saw and chisel
I'd do my work in half the time
Then tell the boss to swivel
I wish I were a swizzle stick
Warm and cozy in some joe
This is really nonsense
So to the bin must go.
I wish I were a drummer
But not like Ringo Starr
More like those chaps from "Kodo"
They're betterer by far.
Nonsense? Why?
http://www.pier1.com/Scroll-Swizzle-Sticks/2691834,default,pd.html?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=PLA&utm_campaign=google_pla&utm_content=2691834&s_cid=pla0000001&kpid=2691834

http://www.snopes.com/language/eponyms/cupofjoe.asp

I wish I had some second sight
Such wisdom I'd display
I'd not need glasses all my life
.. stepping in before game loses all momentum ..
And double my cachet.
When I was but a little lad
And thought that girls were soppy
I'd go and do those boisterous things
While being rather stroppy.
But after I had adolesced
I took things much more seriously
I opened books and aced the tests
And chased the girls ingeniously.
Advancing age has done me well
My knees are holding up
I've still got hair, but time will tell
That my heart needs a tuneup.
I wish I had a bus pass
I'd travel all day long
'Tho I'd have nowhere to go
I'd sing this happy song:

< mode=song >
The sun shines on the dickie birds
The sun shines on the ants
The sun shines on my privates
'Cos I'm not wearing any pants.
[Raak]
Hidden textI had a horrible feeling someone might miss the opportunity. Phew!
*laughs out loud - like, really LOUD*
I wish it were tomorrow night [Phil] If you were worried, how do you think I felt? I chose my line with that fourth line in mind, but I wasn't holding my breath.
Today seems just so dull [CdM] Well done, sir!
But then, I may not make it
Through one more day in Hull. [CdM,Phil] Your humble servant.
I've always liked the circus
Where threadbare lions roar [Raak] And another excellent last line. Would it be tempting fate to say you're on a roll?
From reverie they jerk us (Shuddup at the back over there in the US).
As through our limbs they gnaw
I wish I were upon the beach
Atop a sandy dune
A glass of beer within my reach
And you, my dear, to spoon
If I had a lot of time [S, C, R, p] Aww.
This coyness, lady, were no crime
But hark! Time's chariot hurries near
So let's get on with it, my dear. Sorry, couldn't resist.
If all the seas were suncream
The fish would squirm and splutter
And if the Alps were made of toast
I'd spread them with snow butter
If you and I were ponies
We'd have a trick or two
We'd dance like Darcey Bussell
With fetlocks en tendu
If 2 and 2 made twenty-two
Two twos would make it too
And two ones too, when timesed by two
I don't give a sod, do you?
[SW] Actually I do. Spoilsport. And after your elegant finale to the last one ... :(
If I woke up with great big wings
I'd take a look at higher things it still fits with the rhyme scheme, AABB,
From somewhere in the stratosphere
For I am bold. What matters fear?
I wish I had an ice cold beer [Chalks] sorry, sorry, sorry
To slake my sun-baked thirst
A lovely glass of Budweiser [Now you're upsetting the real ale nuts. :-) Ice cold is how you serve American horse piss, because at 0° you can't taste how horrible it is.]
With CO2 I'll burst. BURP! (SM) Why on earth do people do it?
If you served that ice-cold muck
I'd assume it was a joke
With such stuff I'll have no truck
I'll stick to rum and coke
Happy hour will soon be here
I'll therefore order double
So whiskey whiskey beer beer
And tons of Dubble Bubble
Hidden textoops forgot this
I'm glad I'm not a snowflake
For if I was I'd melt
For all of my uniqueness
Could no longer be felt.
I'd rather be inside than out
And up instead of down
The Burj Khalifa's just the place
To enjoy a meaningless poem that doesn't scan, rhyme, or make any sense.

ahem ..
I'd rather be inside than out
And up instead of down
The Burf Khalifa's just the place
A jewel in Dubai's crown
[Chalky] Well done!
My birthday is over quite soon
Hidden text2 minutes, I believe
And I am still quite sober
I'm in the center of the room
Hidden textWhat was the deal with that last line, Botherer? Chalkly completed that poem quite well! Are you bitter?
Alone until October
Now this one really IS a hotchpotch of dodgy scansion, rhyme & sense :) [Raak & Kagome] Ta
Hidden textKS my apologies, I misread the scansion of your first line as a limerick! It does work as one, if you try hard enough... and I'm often told I'm very trying!
If Botherer had half a brain
The other half being mine
With Chalky's looks, and Néa's books
We'd have a real good time
The child of such a union
Stands very little chance
Of Anglican Communion
Or learning how to dance.
I wish I were a tube train
In tunnels I'd find joy
I lost her there a week ago
Amongst the hoi polloi.
Hidden text"the hoi polloi" is one of those constructions I normally try to avoid, like "PIN Number" and "ATM machine", as "hoi" means "the", but I'll claim poetic licence on this occasion
(Phil) What about "foot pedal" and "safe haven"? :-)
[Rosie] "foot pedal" is ghastly, "safe haven" I don't have such a problem with, as the "refuge" sense appears to be only 800 years old, much younger than the original meaning of "harbour". Distantly related to the Welsh "Aber-", I wonder, even though we both know that means "estuary"?
I'm glad I'm not an omnibus
A-stopping and a-starting (Phil) "Aber" also means "confluence", of which there are many examples. Confirmed by Y Geiriadur Mawr, "The Big Dictionary".
Cruising in polluted fug
With exhaust fumes a-farting.
Were I an oxymoron [Softers, Rosie] I'm wondering whether there is a game to be had out of your discussion.
I'd be so bittersweet [Kim] are you mixing me up with Softers?
With logical emotion
I'd be blatantly discreet. (Phil) I reckon so. (Kim) I don't think it would run very long but could be worth a try.
I'd love to mix a metaphor
In my electric blender
A sumptuous verbal cocktail that
Is the Colemanballs agenda.
C, R, K, R - very splendid. Rhyming, scanning and funning.
A cocktail of artistic styles Don't panic - this can scan & rhyme A, A, B, B
Cubist, batik and tiles If you say so, Miss. *quakes*
Will create illusion
And confusion. Um.
I'm stealing all the openings
And me the scond lines (Softers, Raak) That's quite clerihewish. Shall we have a Clerihew game?
I'll half-inch one 'e' in five
And I'll just issue fines.
I've knocked pen off her perch
And now await her wrath
I'll meet it by yon silver birch - [Rosie] Clearly you're asking the wrong people - I say yes let's!
In ashes and sackcloth
I wish I spoke Hungarian
Bolivian or Urdu
Instead of Rastafarian
Here in Eglwyswrw
Can you confirm it's Thursday?
I've suddenly lost faith
I'll let you know tomorrow
If it comes back as a wraith .. somewhat limited opportunities for a noteworthy Line 4. Sorry.
My thister wath a lithper
They thay that I wath too
Tho I thpeak in a whithper (Chalky) Ahem, thithter.
My thithter thouts through her thoe
Oh FFTh! Thcanthion ruined again :(
*sigh*
Let's try again ..
I find it hard to woll my r's
- My hips are much too stiff
So maybe my new implants
Will make me sound like Cliff Wichard
[Pen] "Move", surely?
With lips as big as Jagger's
And hips like Elvis P
The hands of Paganini
What a sexy freak I'd be!
Autumn leaves are turning brown
Bikini prices coming down
Winter woollies trending up
Then the sodding FA Cup.
I hope I'll rhyme ABAB
Like 'glow-worms' mostly do
I'm not a freakish rhyme, you see
My name's penelope.
A house divided cannot stand
If walls are made of paper
And living in a house of glass
Is not my kind of caper. I seem to have cocked up the last one rather gormlessly.
I'm glad that I'm not Rosie Indeed - I'm amazed you got away with it, frankly :-)
For he's got a girly name [Rosie, Phil] Assumed it was an example of postmodernistic irony ..
His real one? Don't be nosey
That'd spoil his claim to fame
I wish the House of Tudor
Were not so full of beams
Its workmanship is cruder
It comes loose at the seams.
Thus fell the House of Usher
With all-pervading gloom
'Twas worse than Soviet Russia
But filmed - as was 'Khartoum' - which also fell.
[Chalky] I always thought they should make an animated version.
I'm glad I'm not Vince Cable
I really really am
It's sad that he's not able
To plug the cashflow dam
I wish I had an air balloon
I'd fly above your house
Sing love songs like a right buffoon
Until you are my spouse
I hate the thought of housework
It makes me quake with fear
Thank goodness for my Dyson®
And my maid from South Korea. Guffawed at the balloon one - cheers Pen/Phil
I have a pip stuck in my teeth I giggled at the housework one. I'm 50% there.
(That's too much information)
I think it's time for flossing
And a quick expectoration
I wish I were a garden rake Shut up at the back.
A snag-toothed tidier-upper
I'd lie hidden in the grass
A slapstick tripper-upper.
I wish I had a pint of beer
Just like Nigel Farage
I'd drink it down most publicly
There's nowt to disparage Can we stop trying to rhyme things with 'Farage'? It limits the potential of t'rhymes. Ta v much.
When motorists are naughty
I give them one quick toot
And shout "You're doing forty" (pen) I wasn't. First appearance of Mr UKIP in this game.
On the motorway to boot
I wish I were on holiday
Boating on the Kennett
Just sitting back and reading prose
Or scripts from Alan Bennett
If only I were twenty [Rosie] Pen may have been thinking of Mr. Farage's recent appearance in one of the limerick games.
And callow in my ways
I'd dream of lands of plenty
And my many different lays coat!
If I were only forty
I'd be half what I am now
Though not in age, let it be said
I'm just fat - and how!
If I should stumble over
And need help getting up
To hire a crane is rather rude
But sorry - needs must - yup! ... notably few rhymes for 'up'
My waistline is expanding
Oh, what a brave admission
My feet are slow shrinking
With every inch addition
The time has come for action
A fitness plan perhaps
Holds less of an attraction
Than deep-fried bacon baps
I have no time for deadlines
I've better things to do
Like read a book or solve some crimes
Or pop off to the loo
[SM] I genuinely spent over five minutes manfully resisting "loo" and "poo". Congratulations on giving in to your inner schoolboy :-)
I wish I were a toilet roll (Phil) Same here, largely because I thought I'd give you a go. Imagine my disappointment, though SM has valiantly maintained the tradition.
The hard kind, not the soft Oh-er, memories of school
Sitting unused is the goal
So stash it in the loft.
The phoenix' cry is rarely heard Let's try and raise the tone a bit.
A song so cold and bleak
For it is an ornery bird
And someone glued its beak. There's classy ...
I took a class in classic art
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