mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

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Pea and Honey Recipes

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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.

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I went to see the dentist

My gums were red and sore

So he extracted all my teeth

It cost a grand and more.

According to my therapist

I have to face my fears

To banish all my demons

I must kill Wackford Squeers.

I went for acupuncture

Got stung for fifty pounds

The puncturist was quite a prick

And stabbed me out of bounds

I wish my back was better

At lifting kegs of beer

My whistle would be wetter

We'd all have more to cheer. A sad tale

I wish I were an urban fox

Tattered, torn and haggard

Running free through dales and fells

Is not my scene you've gathered

I wish I were redundant

(At least from my employment) We need you. :-)

And with my mighty severance pay We hope

Whole seconds of enjoyment

I so wish it weren't Christmas

Well, it ain't. Not yet.

Ignore it; it'll go away

And you'll stay out of debt

I wish that I were wealthy

I'd chuck the job and go

And shag the arse off Polly Toynbee

Because I love her so

I've just forked out for winter tyres

For soon I will be going

To places where the snow is deep

And the Glühwein will be flowing :o)

New week, new rhyme - or so they say

Whoever they may be

Calliope and all the rest

Are good at poetree

I wish it weren't so frosty

Hidden text

I don't really, I love it

My nose has fallen off

And as for other organs

I'm trying not to cough

I wonder if the Mayans

Had ever really thought

About those 'Best Before' dates

And ~~bollocks~~ nonsense of that sort.

The Mayans have predicted tempting fate

The world's about to end

And on the twentysecond

We'll all just spend, spend, spend. Well, why not?

It must be time for beer by now

Or mulled wine at the least

I've waited nearly half an hour

I am a thirsty beast.

Hurrah! The hols are almost here

And I've skived off already (I wish)

I've finished working for the year

And I'm reading Ferlinghetti

I wish I had spent Christmas Day

Working overtime for treble pay

Then with the money I'd defray

(Oops, I mistook this for a limerick.)

The cost of booze in Whitley Bay.

I have a wish for the coming year

It's really rather silly

That I should give up drinking beer

I'd rather lose my willy

I wish I were a Hobbit

With huge and hairy feet

Or p'raps Lorena Bobbit I've considered not playing that line, but I don't think that I should

With a penchant for sliced meat - Let's move swiftly on, while I cross my legs gingerly

I wish I were a cat's eye

I watch upon the road

For the erring motorist

Lest he by Death be mowed.

I wish I were a carrier bag

A proper one, not plastic

I'd bring home the bacon

Now isn't that fantastic?

I wish that Juliette Binoche

Was not mentioned in this ditty

Perhaps a nice recette brioche

Would make this verse more pretty?

The human epiglottis

(Like other epiglotts)

Tucked away behind the scene

To tie your voice in knots

I wish I were a haggis

That runs around the glen

I'd wait till Easter Monday

I'd be safe by then

I'd love to be a rocket

Leaving trails of sparks

Inside my lover's pocket

Lest the spouse do find the marks

I'd love to start a glow-worm

With these brand new jump leads

I'd write of things electric

And whate'er the rhyme scheme needs.

I wish I were a pussycat

With whiskers I would tickle

And flit around from home to home

My love being always fickle.

If I hadn't sent that letter

I would now be Mayor of Chard

If you want to do better

Don't let 'em mark your card

I wish my poems rhymed

Blank verse is so 'de trop*

And lyrics that I've mimed

Don't always scan I know

I wish I were a Brummie

Don't laugh. I really do.

My vowels aren't posh or plummy

But I'd do Shakespeare better'n you

[R, CdM, K, cfm] Splendid.
The windows all need cleaning

The kitchen floor's a mess

But such work's so demeaning

Go get your Mom, I guess

I love procrastinastion

I'll do some more tomorrow

But I'm gripped by vacillation

Have you time to borrow?

If I were an alarm clock

No doubt I'd be resented

But only by vague arty types
With lives unregimented .. had to be done

If I were a carpenter

I'd bang and thump and hammer

And sometimes acshly hit the nail

In the accepted manner

Pheer mai awsom3 h4cking skillz

Defy a wall; it crumbles

I'm not sure where this going

NOBODY expects the—

Oh, bugger.

I wish I were an organ pipe

A 32 foot beast

I'd tremble with the voice of God

My volume much increased

I wish I were a snowman

That's newly sprung in Spring

A pointy root veg for a nose

Another for my thing I believe it is customary to issue a request for an outer garment at this juncture.

I wish I were a mousetrap

With Edam I'd be primed [CdM]

Hidden text

Exactly the four words I decided not to post, as there's too much Philth in this world already ;-)

A little mouse of Amsterdam

His hunger so mistimed.

Hidden text

(Phil) No there isn't.

I'm glad I'm not a milkman

Out in't snow and dark Boreal usage scansion imperative claim.

Slipping on an icy path

Sod that for a lark

[K, R, S, C] Excellent!

Another job I wouldn't do

Is much involved with lobsters

I'd rather take a blood oath

And join a gang of mobsters.

The worst job that I ever had [Rosie?]

Turned both my elbows green

Collecting cat poo was my lot (Kim) I seem to have jumped the gun.

While dressed up like a queen

While working for Jayne Mansfield

I lost a lot of weight

Yanking all those lobsters oblig.

Out of her 'tailgate' What Rosie said

*chuckles*

I wish I were a golf club

Gripped firmly with a glove

I'd swing and swing the wrong way

And hit heads from above.

I'm glad I'm not an Easter Egg

With spring-like obsolescence

Consumed with avaricious haste

I reek now of its essence. ie I'm covered in chocolate

I took a pee while I was doing that. Sorry.

An 'oenelope' is someone who runs off with the wine.

Us isobars are all quite close

We're cooking up a storm

We'll squeeze the air along at speed (Chalky) We pedants are horrified, m'dear.

But will not keep you warm.

I will tell a knock-knock joke

That's sure to split your sides

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Archie

Andrews. And laughter, it subsides.

Three blokes pop in their public house

(A rabbi, a priest and a Scot) That is how the joke goes, isn't it? No?

A fart by one makes t'next one sneeze

And the third shouts out "twot" moving swiftly on ...

Some people really try too hard .. last one was crap in every respect.

Ahem
- Some people really try too hard
- To show they are a wit

They dream up lines of poetry

That somehow don't quite fit

I think the last one needed to conclude in frenzied anticlimax, viz;

Three blokes pop in their public house
(A rabbi, priest and Scot)
Something funny happens then
But I've forgotten what.

[SM] Bravo!

A young man's fancy turns to love

Every seventh minute [Simons Mith] splendidly deft!

And in between he thinks of sex [SM] *applauds* [Rosie] I was thinking of young Archie Mides.

Cuz that's the best part, isn't it?

I wish I were a plectrum (cfm) You're too like edjumacated, innit. (CdM) I can never read your mind, you know.

I'd strum your heart-strings well

Until you fell in love with me

Or taught me how to spell

I'm glad I'm not a rocking horse

They're prone to constipation

But should they strain to make the grade

Then cyclic defaecation. (pen) How do you know?

[Rosie] I've heard that rocking horse shit is very rare. Ergo... they don't go.

I'm glad I'm not a Barbie doll

Inside a plastic box

Though I'd be free from creepy Ken (pen) Sorry, crap logic. Boo-boom.

Who pleasures into socks grabs coat and scarpers

If I were a Lego man Staying with the toy theme

Made up of block and bricks

I'd emigrate to Minecraft world

With crafting box and picks [Rosie] I didn't actually expect anyone to think of Archie Mides; I just thought it wasn't fair to post a knock-knock without some follow-up in mind.

Ben 10 seems quite a cunning chap

With magic watch on wrist
It helps him change his shape at will
But sometimes things get missed. .. no takers for a week. Time to bale.

Have to admit I don't know a lot about Ben 10, apart from the fact that he was on my small nephew's pyjamas a couple of years ago.
Our planning seems in uproar

You can't put that thing there!

It's really not in keeping [Ben 10 - 'an anime character called Ben' was the limit of my knowledge about 'im]

And is messing up my hair. [pen, SM] No problem .. I had to google 'creepy Ken' ^^^ up there.

My mother is a weirdo

My father watches birds

My brother's got a little box

In which he keeps turds Coat!

That's not the Box of Delights!

Sorry, I limericked. Unless someone can find a way to fix it up. The Whoops button would let me change it, but not remove it, so I'm a bit stuck now.

Just start a new one.

I wish that button turned back time

And held the moving finger back (metre variation alert)

I might think of a better rhyme

Or go off on a different tack

I wish I were a mummy

Encased in tiles of jade

On legs and head and tummy

Golden Palace Casino

Our sponsorship displayed

I wish it would stop raining

It will, but not just yet

I've mastered aquaplaning

Bifurcating with But wetsuits make me sweat/But sweatsuits make me wet

I wish I had a potting shed

Where I could grow my pot

With grow-lights shining all day long

I'd be stoned as like as not

I wish I had a clematis Chelsea week, innit?

Perhaps a Russian vine

Both of them get out of hand

And bring your dashed fence "dine." Literally true in my case. (pen) No, it was last week we won the Europa Cup:-)

I've overdosed on Hollyhocks

My nose runs like a tap

I have what look like chicken pox

I hope it's not the clap. No way to not do that.

The larkspur is a wondrous sight

The perfume quite sublime

I've doused it all with gasoline

So I can end this rhyme.

I grew a little pear tree

Its fruit was firm and plump

I swapped it for a milk cow

And made a callithump Callithump. n. a noisy boisterous parade.

I wish I were a corkscrew

But with a left-hand twist

I'd bugger up your fingers

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