Men's Health: An Archer's Body in Just Six Weeks! Satisfy Your Wench the Norman Way. Lose Weight Fast with the Wild Boar Diet. Expert Guide to Rape and Pillage. Plus: Latest Exclusive Armour Styles Direct From France.

And not forgetting: Evening Standard: Norman Invasion Tube Chaos Hits London

Just barely resisting the urge to do one about Conquestion Charging...

Exclusive to all tabloids: One in the eye for our Hal.

Sunday Sport: Alien Frogs Shot A Rod In My Eye!

Guardian - Conker wins day at Hustings
The Sun - That's one in the eye for you, Harold !