(snorgle) HANDBAAAGS? (© Dame Judy Dench). Did you read the spam?

It was something about mortgages, apparently. Hotmail blocks linked images from appearing for privacy, so I missed out on some no doubt vital and personally useful information, but there you go. The ones I hate are the sneaky subjects like re:report, or I'm sorry I offended you. But surreal ones are at least vaguely amusing..

Just got this note from my sister in Albuquerque. "use small, not tiny, white onions. Boil them until tender. Drain and add a tiny bit of flour mixed in some milk, then some cream, salt, pepper and butter. I don't have any meaurements. I also add some parsley or finely sliced scallions. I often add a piece of garlic when boiling." As to the garlic and scallions, my mother never did that. For the salt, she used celery salt.

There has been a change at the top at Celebrity MC congratulations to Chalky in going to No1 just two weeks after being kneecapped.

PANIC! Thanks for your report; However, unlike Chalky I'm panicking. Just changed horses for the bolt to the line; am I going to fall over into the 2-million (grab two green wads and convert them to a flashy car) or am I going to be robbed of my £950,000 and fall back into the arms of the following wolves? My heart is racing, my brow is perspiring and, frankly m'dear I couldn't give a damn. Err, well I do, really, after the extraordinary effort of the last week should I make the new podume I shall have a 'big think' about why I'm doing this. Stupid game... rigged... the ref's are biased... and so on - I WANT A FLASH CAR. ........ Sulks.

Thank you! I will try this - although being a bloke I tend to rely on measurements for my cooking. I probably start with a white sauce recipe - and I'll have to get some celery salt.

I'm just 200 000 short myself of the magic 2 million mark - pleasepleaseplease let there be a run on Paul and Heather McCartney! I won't get a flashy car (already got one!) but I hate just being short by such a small amount. If I can get 2 wads of cash, I only need 1 more for a flashy yacht! I can go sailing in the Mediterranean then.. :)

Need everyone's help. My sister, in America, wants to know what it means to have to paint the "fourth bridge." Can someone help?

I think it refers to the Forth Bridge, which, it is said, takes so long to paint that, once the painters have done a complete coat, it's time to begin repainting it again, so the job never ends.

Indeed. Unfortunately, to save money, they stopped painting it regularly, and huge rusty chunks started falling off it, particularly onto North Queensferry. (My dad lives near there and I've seen it myself). I try not to think of the massive bolts on the ground when crossing on the train..

Thanks for the answers.