Raak - "We're getting married and moving to Kansas."

From Our Own Correspondent

Thrax - - "No, nothing to declare.... Yes, yes that's me in the passport photo, admittedly the picture was taken a few years ago and I didn't have the beard then... No, I haven't any previous convictions for anything of the kind, I told you - I'm here on behalf of the Beeb, doing a report on your government's Human Rights record. These guys are my technicians, yes, all my papers are in order... What? ... No, I don't see why you need to open the case, but if it'll keep you happy I - wait, why is he putting on those gloves? Hey now, just a minute! Hey, get your filthy hands off of - Get off! Help! Help! Call the British Embassy before they stick their hands up my -" [Transmission Ends]

-"The Late Jeremy Bowen there, with a report on the situation in Zimbabwe, which he recorded earlier today."

They Think It's All Over - Just too easy, isn't it?

Darren - "Urgh, I think you've got it all over me."

The Heaven and Earth Show

Uncle Korky - "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

The Clangers

Robin - "Unfortunately the soup-dragon developed a taste for Clanger soup."

Quote unquote

Inkspot - It sounds like it should be Wilde, but surely it is Desperate Dan after digging into his third Cow-pie.

The Ascent of Man

Bob the dog - Well, I'm here.

Tellytubbies

Darren - "And how many calories is in that, Po?"

Newsround

Will - "Nothing new happening here!" A Prarie Home Companion (yes, I know, it's American, but it is Public Radio)

Thrax - "I've found love on the internet. He's an account, works in New York, so I've decided to move to the Big Apple, leave the wide open country and settle down in a city apartment on the edge of Manhatten. Goodbye, I'll write you." Star in their Eyes

Thrax - Oops. Should've been on a lower line, like this:

Stars in their Eyes

Raak - "Tonight, I'm going to be Fred West."

Last of the Summer Wine

Darren - "My, what a cold winter it's going to be this year."

A Question of Sport

Uncle Korky - "And, on my right, our new team captain, Breadmaster."

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

Deek - "Joining the team this week, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen."

Random Trawl through the Radio Times - [Deek] After submitting your answer, you have to propose a new candidate.

Flog it!

Gusset Login - "Sold!"

10 o'clock News

Darren - "And the time's just coming up to midnight."

QI

KH - "...and tonight's guests are all dyslexic"

Drivetime with Johnnie Walker

Raak - "And now, a word from our sponsor, Johnny Walker Whisky. Is your commute down the motorway a grind? Do you get tense, irritable, angry? Take a bottle of Johnny Walker with you to soothe your cares away. Relax, put the pedal to the floor, and fly down the fast lane with Johnny Walker."

The Shipping Forecast

Rosie - "Scilly, variable, poor."

Sport on Five

Raak - "And now, the World Tiddlywinks Championship."

Scooby Doo

Thrax - "Scooby Dooby Doo, where are - ? Oh there you are. Been looking for you everywhere."

The Wombles

Will - "I guess that cleans everything up, then."

Enterprise

Deek - "Quick, activate the shie...

ER

Gusset Login - "My god! You've really found a cure for all ills!"

Gamesville

Inkspot - "...taking a closer look at the Sinclair ZX Spectrum "

Rosie and Jim

Kim - "No-one's looking, fancy a shag?"

Diggin' It

Gusset Login - "We've hit rock bottom" - actually they kept going for years after that

Poddington Peas

Darren - "What's that popping sound I can hear coming closer and closer?"

Ever Decreasing Circles

Raak - "At last, we finally got to the point."

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

plump - A.U.N.T you a woman?

Monkey Makes

Deek - Unfortunately, due to a recent outbreak of the Monkey Pox Virus...

University Challenge

Inkspot - "...and we all know what points make; points make..."

Third Rock From The Sun

Gusset Login - "We've been promoted, we're moving to the Second Rock From The Sun tonight..."

Highlander the Series

Will - "That's my head!"

Everybody Loves Raymond

Raak - BANG!

Are we running out of programmes yet?

Sailing By

Will - "Oh my god, they shot that man wearing the nice concrete shoes. Hey, what are you doing with that gun?" forced

Just the Ten of Us

Uncle Korky - Just three more to go, and we can have the ultimate Doctor Who anniversary show!

Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Uncle Korky*

Uncle Korky - Raak] You're right - I think it's run its course.