mc5 - Conversation ƒtoppers

In the words of Dunx: "I suppose it's a long way off yet, but listening to this week's ISIHAC I liked the game of "Opening Lines" where the players would provide a line guaranteed to end the conversation with famous personages. Eg - "So, Mr Bush - is English your first language?" "Table for Mr Stringfellow and his granddaughter!" To Rod Hull - "Where's your emu?" Well, it made me laugh a lot anyway."

And so it begins...

widey - Eric Skyes having been captured by Pirates. "What do you mean I have to walk the plank?" sorry but it was a funny film...................

Darren - Actually, if you mean Eric Sykes, how about "Oi, mate, I'm talking to you. Are you deaf or what?" The same thing works for Beethoven, assuming he stops being dead.

ZK - David Beckham: "How's the wife?...er, okay then....how's work?"

ZK - Anne Boleyn: "Fancy a walk around the block?"

ZK - Michael Jackson: "And how are the kids?"

ZK - I hate myself! :p

Dujon - "Hello, Mr Cleese, how's the wife, err, Sybil isn't it?"

Inkspot - "Could I have a signed nude photo, please Jade; for my brother"

Raak - "Still not King then, Charles?"

Breadmaster - Jackson Pollock - My six-year-old does that too. Takes an age to clean up, doesn't it?

Breadmaster - Christina Aguilera - Everything else in the wash, eh?

Deek - Happy Birthday, Britney, I've bought you some singing lessons.

Darren - Any of those Big Brother wastes-of-carbon: So, have you been anywhere nice lately?

Breadmaster - George Best - "Double G&T then, George? Come on, yer great girl's blouse!"

Kim - Jonathan Ross - "Here's the guest list for tonight's show, Jonathan: Actress Deborah Raffin, tennis ace Greg Ruzedski, Screen Legend Theresa Russell and music by rock & roll legends Radiohead".

widey - In very very poor taste.......... So Mr Hitler which do you prefer cooking with, gas or electric?......................

KH - Tracey Emin: "I hope you've made your bed!"

KH - Leonardo to Mona Lisa: "...and wipe that smile off your face!"

KH - John Constable: "Tell me, why did you call that bloke in the cart 'Wayne?'"

KH - Nero: "My God! I thought you'd stood on the cat while trying to escape from the blaze!"

Rosie - Andrew Lloyd-Webber: "Of course, the great days of the Musical were just after the War."

Dujon - Neville Chamberlain - "Are you still collecting autographs?"

Falstaff - Orenthal J. Simpson: "... say, you remind me of my late wife."

Clamp - " Mr. Hussein, as your lawyers we will soon have you out of this hole."

Rosie - Oscar Wilde: - "Reading, eh? That's a bummer".

ZK - Jeffrey Archer: "Pass the soap".

Inkspot - Tony Blair "You remember Captain Scarlett don't you?...you know, da da da da, da da dee da Captain Scarlett indestructible..."

Deek - Lester Piggot - "Hi, I work for the Inland Revenue."

Raak - "John Paul, is the Pope really a Catholic?"

Breadmaster - Or alternatively - "So where are George and Ringo, eh?"

Darren - Rupert Bear - "I saw you in the woods the other day - what were you doing in there?"

Robin - Philip Green - "Take your Marks..."

Dunx - Keith Chegwin - "Whatever happened to Maggie Philbin?"
Or perhaps - "I bet you have wonderful memories of your time doing children's telly!"

Darren - Keith Chegwin - "Fancy another drink?"

Rosie - Robert Maxwell - "Look, there's no need to go overboard about it."

Ishmael - Cap'n Ahab - "Yhar she blows!"

Deek - Noel Edmonds - "Michael Lush" (ooh, bad taste.)

Rosie - Galileo - "So you're not a regular churchgoer, then?"

Darren - Michael Barrymore - "Nice looking pool out there - fancy a swim?"

widey - Captain of the Titanic "Calm as a mill pond, full steam ahead. We'll knock a day off our journey"

widey - Buddy Holly I love flying

widey - Elvis Cheese burgers never hurt anyone!

KH - Dr. Crippen - "How's the wife?"

KH - Mussolini - "What are you hanging around for?"

KH - Bob Dylan - "How are Dougal & Ermintrude?"

KH - Ronald Reagan - "How's Carter?" (one for Sweeney fans...)

KH - Sweeney Todd - "A little more off the top, please"

KH - George Dubya Bush - "Hi - Here's your free sample from Pete's Pretzels..."

KH - Dr. Spock - "What's the planet Vulcan like at this time of year?"

KH - Henry Ford - "But I want a white one!"

Angus Prune - Michael Howard - Did you threaten to overrule him?

Angus Prune - Dale Winton How's your girlfriend?

Angus Prune - George Dubya - How do you spell WMD?

Raak - Jeremy Paxman: "How are you, answer the question for goodness sake, how are you?"

anon - Peter Pan - "Why, hello little lady ..."

anon - Frodo Baggins - "Why, hello little lady ..."

anon - Gollum - "Here's a riddle for you: What's I got in my pocket?"

anon - Gandalf - "... rather fond of hobbits aren't we?"

inmate #br5492004 - [and finally] ... Your new cellmate - "Why, hello little lady ..."

KH - Lady Godiva - " Good morning. I'm from the Health & Safety department. Your hair is unsafe at that length, and must be tied up above shoulder height..."

KH - Lady Chatterley - "...and when did you take on David Mellor as gardener?"

KH - Phil Tufnell - "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"

KH - H.G. Wells - "...and how do you feel about being evicted from the Big Brother house?"

KH - Queen Victoria - "Have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman..."

KH - Gareth Hunt - "How do you feel about becoming a part of Cockney Rhyming Slang?"

KH - Douglas Hurd - "How do you feel about becoming a part of Cockney Rhyming Slang?"

KH - Sherlock Holmes - "I'm from the drugs squad..."

KH - Henry Stanley - "Ken Livingstone, I presume?"

Raak - [Picard to Kirk] "My Enterprise is better than yours!" (which I've heard Patrick Stewart did actually say to William Shatner during the making of Generations.)

widey - Capt'n Scott.........where did I put that F******g map?

Rosie - David Beckham - "That penalty miss must have really upset you. Put it all behind you and try Rugby".

Dujon - To the creator of 'Big Brother', the television show - "Tell us about your childhood."

Software - To Nadia on Big Brother - "So, you were once a bloke, right?"

Rosie - To David Dimbleby - "What can be done about the problem of nepotism in the BBC".

Raak - Clement Freud: "At your age, I bet you're grateful just to get to the end of the minute."

Angus Prune - Nick Leason: 'So what made you leave your last job?'

KH - Ruth Ellis: "I bet you're a bit of a swinger!"

Raak - Jeffrey Archer: "I loved your prison diaries, I hope you have a chance to write more volumes!"

Rosie - John Bunyan: "How are those pilgrims of yours coming on?"

Lord Champion - Rapunzel: "... before I hazard to climb your fair tresses, tell me truthful, are you indeed bald of head?"

Raak - St John the Divine: "Hey man, that's some heavy trip, can I score some?"

Raak - Torquemada: "Hello, I was expecting you."

Raak - Lancelot du Lac: "She a goer, then, is she?

Raak - Doubting Thomas: "You may already have won..."

Raak - Abraham: "Sacrificed any kids lately?"

Raak - To a sysadmin of my former acquaintance who wanted to restrict our Usenet feed on moral grounds, but lost the argument: "Burnt any good books lately?"

Deek - To my wife - I'm going out with my mates tonight Technically, this is a conversation stopper because the conversation stops and an argument starts.

Clovis - United Airlines Stewardess - "Whoa purty lady, you just lit the fuse on the heat seeking missile in my pocket."

Dunx - Elijah Wood - "You're smaller than you look on film."

Dujon - King Richard III - "Would a donkey suffice?"

Raak - Romeo: "Forget her, she's not worth it, get better stuff down C*ntgr*p* Lane."

Sister Ellen - Mother Superior - "Oh F*ck!"

Breadmaster - Joan of Arc - "Whinge, whinge, whinge. You're such a bloody martyr." (Dunx - love that one!)

Rosie - To Ken Livingstone - "It's about twenty minutes' drive".

widey - Tom Cruise at the fun fair.........sorry son you have to be a few inches taller to ride on the merry-go-round

Rosie - To John Wesley - "Coming down the pub, then?"

Raak - John Knox: "Let me introduce you to my wife, the minister for our parish."

Raak - Martin Luther: "95 theses? Impossible, I sweated for three years over just one!"

Rosie - To George Best: "Well, life depends upon the liver, as the old saying has it."

KH - The Wright Brothers: "Bet you lads can't do a loop-the-loop in that thing."

KH - John Prescott: "Here's your bus pass, Mr Prescott."

Dujon - To Napoleon Bonaparte: "For Heaven's sake, grow up!"

Dujon - To Louis XVI: "Heads or tails?"

Dujon - To Nostradamus: "I can't see your ideas being acceptable in the future."

Dujon - To General Douglas MacArthur: "How's the tennis going?"

Flix - To Douglas Adams "Sorry, why was it 42?"

KH - Humphrey Lyttelton: "You're that trumpeter fellow Kenny Ball, aren't you?"

Flix - To the Spanish Inquisiton (In Monty Python, at least) "I've been expecting you."

KH - The Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe: "You're child allowance has been stopped."

Raak - The Aged Mariner: "I've heard that one before. Now, this really happened..."

KH - Prince Philip: "I'm here to revoke your shotgun license" (deeply ashamed at the apostrophe abuse in my previous entry)

Dunx - Queen Victoria - "Come on, cheer up!" [KH] Well, I didn't like to say...

Rosie - To Captain Oates - "See you later, then."

Dujon - To Richard Branson: "Well, are you?"

Software - To Engelbert Humperdinck "So what ever happened to Gerry Dorsey, then?"

Robin - Richard Branson (again): "I'm sorry I'm late, aren't the trains crap these days..."

Dujon - To Douglas Bader - "Don't fight the Air Ministry, old chap, you don't have a leg to stand on."

Dujon - To any Australian Labor P.M. - "Care for a swim?"

Dujon - To any Australian Liberal P.M. "Gough Whitlam's a mate of mine."

Dujon - To Sven Goran Eriksson - "How do you fancy your chances?"

widey - Open university rep......"Well Mr Pott what do you think of our distant learning packages"?

widey - widey to widey......When you going to learn to write HTML?????

Falstaff - Ernst Lehmann of the Hindenburg ...."It was no easy task Captain, but I have located the Hydrogen leak ... doesn't appear to be a problem ... I'll patch it up soon's I have a smoke."

Dujon - To Margaret Thatcher - "Wonderful place, the Argentine."

Dujon - To Charles De Gaul - "Is it true that the polls have you a nose in front?"

Rosie - To Sven-Goran Eriksson - "You've been watching The Muppets again, haven't you?"

plump - To Yasser Arafat - Are you sure you're not Jewish?

Dujon - To Stirling Moss - "And how many drivers' championships did you win?"

Rosie - To Thelonius Monk - "Jazz Greats? Yes, it does a bit, doesn't it?"

Breadmaster - To King Harold - "Careful! You'll have someone's eye out with that!"

el sico - To Miss Piggy - "So, does it really taste like chicken?"

Robin - Sir Stafford Cripps (as presented by Lowell Thomas) - ...introducing the eminent politician, Sir Stifford Craps.

Ziggy - To Paula Radcliffe on handing her half a Snickers bar - "Do you want to finish this marathon?

Breadmaster - Or alternatively - "What was the name of that quiz show that Henry Kelly used to host? Can't remember it for the life of me!"

Dujon - To the Australian Womens' Eight -

'Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Gold is but a dream'

Rosie - To Henry VIII - "Today we call it serial monogamy".

JLE - Sung by the travelling "Barmy Army" of English cricket supporters, to the Sri Lankan bowler Muttiah Muralitharan, infamously accused of throwing rather than bowling the ball (and actually penalised during a previous match, for exactly that, by the umpire Darrell Hair, who was to umpire the next England/Sri Lanka match):

"Throw, throw, throw the ball,
roll it round the seam:
Murali, Murali, Murali, Murali
Chucks it like a dream.

Bowl, bowl, bowl the ball,
quickly through the air:
Murali, Murali, Murali, Murali -
Here comes Darrell Hair!

NO-BALL!

widey - Sir Donald Campbell.........Its as smooth as glass out there,lets give it a go

Breadmaster - Buzz Aldrin - "Second is almost as good as first, isn't it?"

Breadmaster - Adolf Hitler - "Living room extensions are always more hassle than you expect, aren't they?"

Breadmaster - Croesus of Lydia - "Still. Can't take it with you, can you?"

Breadmaster - George W. Bush - "Do you think that James' account of pragmatic epistemology represents a betrayal of the philosophy of Pierce, or a legitimate development of it?"

widey - Herman Goering...........R.A.F.? Who the fuck are they?

Breadmaster - John Kerry - "Better the devil you know, that's my philosophy."

Uncle Korky - Christopher Eccleston - "Didn't you used to be Tom Baker?"

st dogmael - to Hal Sutton : "So do you think the reason you guys lost the Ryder Cup is because you are the worst kind of Red-Necked deep-fried southern asshole imaginable?"

Raak - Dirk Maggs: "Of course, it'll never be as good as the original series."

Horatio Townsend - Michael Jackson - I heard on MTV that you prefer Boys II Men

Bif - To: Dr. Eckner - "Heya gorra loight, boy?"

Breadmaster - Martin Luther - "When in Rome..."

Rosie - To Tony Blair - No point in beating about the bush, eh? . . . (BreadM) I like that. Bit subtle, though.

Raak - To Mrs. Trellis: Move first? Ok, Mornington Crescent.

Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Raak*

This is the end of the line. There is no more.