Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
Falstaff -
Angora farmers have found themselves in the crosshairs of a radical [*redundancy noted*] branch of PETA who call themselves 'The Coat Hooks' who claim the animals are not being properly clothed after being sheared and suffer irreparably due to their prolonged nakedness. "It is indecent!" said Mildred Mocks, spokeswoman for the group. "At least allow me to cover their coddles with a fox skin or my priceless mink stole."
In other news, a Devonshire man has been served to appear in court by order of the Department of Transportation [DOT] for collection of back revenue, in a suit challenging that one Mr. Bartholomew Bundy over a noticable period has been operating in the capacity of a motor vehicle without the acquisition of the proper tag in that he has used the turnpike to transport his sheep to the shearer's and then back to the fold again on foot while carrying the said animal on his shoulders. On Sunday, October 2nd, Mr. Bundy was detained and questioned as he attempted to bypass an agricultural weigh point [carrying a woolly Dorset on his back] without pulling onto the scales for the customary inspection. "This is no animal I am hauling," protested Mr. Bundy, "but a wool fleece I am wearing. For I am a pedestrian using the thoroughfare as is my native right." Unable to disprove his claim the inspections agent let him continue. Some short while later, Mr. Bundy again passed the weigh station walking in the opposite direction carrying what appeared to be a sheared Dorset. "I assure you," said Mr. Bundy, "this is not the same fleece, but a smooth one I have exchanged the former one for, as the weather is humid and the woolly fleece proved too insulatory." The jig was up, however, when the fleece jacket jumped from his shoulder and retreated into the center of the roadway where it halted traffic for hours by refusing to move aside. The DOT seeks an unspecified amount in unpaid highway taxes and tag revenue as per fines and penalties. Mr. Bundy proclaims his innocense, stating: "I'll not be the scapegoat here." He is countersuing for the loss of one wool fleece which was never recovered and presumed escaped. Phil -
TO (what a debut!)
Inkspot - Fred Hoyle Chair of the Guensey Neighbourhood Watch described to your reporter his annoyance and fury with the authorities that have allowed the pirate radio station Radio Salad to continue to broadcast from the islands. According to Mr Hoyle the islands youth were being corrupted by not only Radio Salad's illegal playing of pop music but the announcers did not ever use proper Queens English. He also said the station has no repect of authority and their attacks on him personalied by distribution of Radio Salad bumper stickers "I Love Hoyle"
Inkspot - There was controversy again at the end of last night's X Furrow as one of the favourites Duster Lustre was voted off and sent home by the casting vote of judge Keenan Gareth who let through his own tractor Butter Bird. In retaliation for last weeks sillage incident outside
Mornington Crescent, Duster Lustre's mentor Simple Cowbell released several wombats among the audience. Simple insisted that Duster was the better tractor in appearance and style and could pull Keenan's Bird anytime.
Audience -
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for Inkspot* penelope - Good idea to halt the presses... sales were declining and we'd lost columnists to other titles. Well done Inkers.
This is the end of the line. There is no more.