The count has been counted, Returning Officers have returned, and party rosettes have been trampled underfoot in the Town Hall Chamber at the end of election night.
Get your glad rags on for the Local Party Election Victory Ball at the Town Hall Ballroom, 7.30pm for 8pm, black tie, carriages at midnight. But there are bound to be one or two late-comers...
And so it begins...
ImNotJohn - A standing ovation please for Victor, the conservative who is late because the roa was swept away while he was on his way here. Welcome
'Landslide' Vic (Tory)
Raak - And here is a defeated candidate, Mr. Wesley Robbed, representing the Midget Party:
Wee Wes Robbed.
Kim - Announcing, in the traditional manner, Mr & Mrs
Date and their daughter,
Candy Date.
Kim - Closely followed by political tomb raider
Indiana Pendent, whose friends call him Indy.
Rosie - Will you please welcome
Mr and Mrs Inall and their prevaricating daughter
Marge.
Uncle Korky - Unfortunately, one of our guests, the noted peer
Earl Ection, has to depart urgently. Let's bid him farewell!
"Bye..."
Irouléguy - Please be upstanding for Lord and Lady
Tingvoter and their lovely daughter,
Flo.
Raak - Please welcome Herr Dulentpostalvote and his wife,
Frau Dulentpostalvote.
CdM - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
Urningofficer and their son
Rhett.
Projoy - Mr and Mrs
Ority with daughter
Madge
Rosie -
Mr and Mrs Bennettwhydon'ttheygettheballotboxesinwe'llbehereallnight and their son
Gordon. Well, someone had to do it.
Tuj - And the esteemed Mr and Mrs
Ruldemocrat and their daughter
Libby.
Ditto
Robin - Mr and Mrs
Ralelection with their daughter
Jenny.
caneyetryonetwo? - An unexpected surprise, Mr and Mrs
Nadorialeader with their simpleton son
Goober.
Chalky - Closely followed by Mr
Shipp-Contest and his daughter,
Leda.
Irouléguy - And of course accompanied by Bishop
Sceptic and his brother
Yuri.
penelope - The Welsh contingent are back! It's
Rees Shuffled-Cabinet with his third new wife,
Minnie Sterial-Post
Anthrax Whirl - And from the Gladstonian era, Micheal Portillo's Spanish Ancestor,
Juan Nathan Conservative.
Botherer - And the Britain for Brits candidate, Mr
d'Posit and his lovely children,
Lou and
Cis.
Kim - Arriving on her own, the ever youthful
Cher (of the vote).
Robin - From north of the border, it's Mr and Mrs
Tishnationalparty with their son
Scott, together with Mr and Mrs
Volution and their daughter
Dee.
ImNotJohn - Dressed only in his Union Jack underpants, it's
Hugh Kipp.
Tuj - And his 2nd cousin
Bea Enpee.
Botherer - And blow me sideways if that isn't
Vera Tass.
Robin - Be afraid, be very afraid of Mr and Mrs
Vingloonyparty and their
monster, Ray.
Botherer - And welcome, please, Mr and Mrs
Isterov-Electors and their son,
Reg.
Rosie - Will you please welcome
Mr & Mrs Ingstation and their son
Paul.
Darren - And take note of the arrival of
Mr and Mrs Iamentarycandidate and their daughter
Pearl, who live nearby. Later she'll be covering things in coarse fabric, so watch out for
your local Pearl Iamentarycandidate doing a spot of canvassing.
Robin - Painting the town hall red, here's
Titian with his daughter
Polly.
Anthrax - And please welcome Mr and Mrs
Tantwing, and their daughter
Millie.
Irouléguy - Please give a warm wlecome to the Brothers
Ftherealm and their highly life-like puppet
Pierrot.
Bouncer - Elected members only please, sir.
Irouléguy - The previous silence was in honour of the arrival of Mr and Mrs
Imentaryrecess and their son
Paul.
penelope - That's yer lot. Parliament is, heretofore and avast from this afternoon, open for Business as Usual. Liggers please take your places on the bus, for we're now going to
THE CORNER SHOP BALL
penelope - First to arrive, from Wales,
Dai Lleynewspaper and his wife,
Maggie Zine. She's trying to attract my attention - I'd better let her know I've seen her. "OK! Maggie Zine!"
Knobbly - It's Mr and Mrs
Sweet and their daughter
Penny -
I can only get better...
penelope - [Knobbly] That's true. ;o)
I forgot to add that Maggie Zine was very quiet tonight. She could only answer
weekly Ba-boom Tish!
Rosie - Will you all please welcome
Mr and Mrs El and their daughter
Pat.
Dujon - Please acknowledge the arrival of our local convenience store owner, Mr
Mal Teaser. Unfortunately his daughter, whose name shall remain forever hidden, could not attend.
Uncle Korky - All the way from Spain, please welcome
Mr & Mrs Round, and their son,
Pepé.
irach - And here, actually from just around the corner on Wimpole Street, are Mrs.
Marge Arine and her cousin
Bertha.
Botherer - Introducing Mr & Mrs
d'Bread and their
wee son,
Col.
RedSnapper - Having traveled all the way from Bologna, are Mr.
Sal Armi and his lovely fiancee
Liv Awurst, her father, Count
DeVille-Hamm and her sister Lady
Bo Vrille.
Botherer - The lovely delicate daughters of Mr
Dham, Honey Rose and
Tina.
irach - Ah, and here making their entrance, drunk on their recent successes, are that most unique trio
Bev Arage, Holly Icks and
Bourne Vita.
Red Snapper - Followed close on their heels by Mr.
Chuck O'Lett, Mr.
Kofi DeKaffe, and all the way from Shanghai, Mr
Chu Ing Gum.
irach - And may I now announce the grand entrance of Miss
Dee O. Durant accompanied by her beau,
Shea van Kreem , his sister
Liz Tarin, her brother
Ray Zabled and his (ahem!) partner
Max E. Padd.
penelope - It's closing time at the '8 'til Late' Convenience Store Ball. Let's go instead to the
LANDSCAPE GARDENERS BALL. Who are the Late Arrivals?
penelope - I have advance apologies from the apostrophe. He'll be arriving s'oon.
Uncle Korky - Please welcome
Mr & Mrs Acious-Border, and their son,
Herb.
irach - And please welcome too Madame
Rose Bush accompanied by Mr.
Perry Winkle , followed close on their heels by Mr.
Pete Morse and his delightful fiancee
Holly Hocks.
Rosie - And now,
Mr and Mrs Pability-Brown and their daughter
Kay.
penelope - Coming in a straight line, it's
Lorne Mower and his green cousin,
Ed gingshears
Irouléguy - Our next guests are Master and Miss
Teria and their famous grandfather
W.S.
Rosie - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
Ningclippers and their daughter
Pru.
Rosie - And let's say hello to Mr and Mrs
Bennettlookatthestateofthatwildernessdownthefarend and their scythe-wielding son
Gordon. Taking the easy option . . . .
RedSnapper - Here, making quite an entrance are
Lee Pars, his single sister
Rosemary and his two married siblings
Marge Oram and Daphne-
"Daph" O'Dell.
Robin - Closely followed by Mr and Mrs
Dendron and their daughter
Rhoda.
irach - Ah, and here come Mr. and Mrs.
Werpotts and their charming daughter
Flo.
RedSnapper - And not having an invitation, but presenting himself anyway, as he usually does, is Mr.
Dan DeLion followed by his nemesis Mr.
Herb Icide.
irach - And here's another member of the
O'Dendron family, the dashing
Phil and his good friend Mr.
Chris Anthemum.
Robin - I can hardly bring myself to introduce Mr and Mrs
Killer and Mr and Mrs
King, with their sons
Ant and Dec.
gabrielized - I am plowed to present Ms
Rose of Sharon, and her fiance
Privet Hedge.
Robin - A warm welcome please for
Jack Aranda with his fiancee
Virginia Creeper.
penelope -
Will Barrow comes staggering in under the load of
Fern Tiliser. By gum, she's got on a bit too much perfume tonight.
irach - And here are
Lorne Sprinkler and the lovely
Lily O'Thevalley, followed by
June Iper and her
pop Lars.
Rosie - Pray all be upstanding for
Mr and Mrs de Lion and their son
Dan
RedSnapper - And let's now hear it for
Mary Gold,
Jerry Anium, Mr.
Astor and Miss
May Denhairfern.
irach - Give it up now for Miss
Mag Nolia and Mr.
Sal Via.
RedSnapper - And where would we be without them - here come Mrs.
Polly Nator, accompanied by Mr. and Mrs.
Bumble and their honey of a daughter,
Bea.
Robin - Here's Mr and Mrs
Ebo with their son
Gaz.
Rosie - Please welcome
Mr and Mrs Feature and their recirculatory son
Walter.
Dujon - Here come the
Sings and their son
Terry. Unfortunately their daughter
Latti can't attend as she's feeling a bit wobbly.
irach - Ah, here arriving with aplomb, are the two Berthas- Mrs.
Bertha Kupp and Miss
Bertha Fleis with her Serbian husband Dr.
Dragan Fleis and his associates Dr.
Garth Enner and Dr.
Bo Kaye
RedSnapper - Please welcome Rabbi
Ender and his son
Lev, accompanied by Mr.
Golden and his son
Rod.
irach - Please welcome also, resplendently dressed in his regimental uniform, Col.
Wottering-Kahn
Knobbly - and all welcome the (in-)famous
Mrs Trellis
Snodgrass - And just dusting off their wellies are
Mr & Mrs Innes and their son
John #3
irach - And now, shaking off the water from their brollies before they make their grand entrance are Mrs.
Opsis and her little boy
Corey.
RedSnapper - Arriving now from Scandinavia, please welcome Mr.
Lief E. Arbour and from Rockford, Mr.
Cobb L. Stonepath
Rosie - Will you please welcome, not on this occasion from the Jovian system,
Mrs and Mrs Io and their daughter
Pat.
Snodgrass - Aah, they did make it after all, welcome please
Mr & Mrs St. Heep and their son
Compo
irach - Please welcome Mr. and Mrs.
Bird and their daughter Bathsheba-
Bath to her friends- and Mrs.
Dial and her
son.
Botherer - Mr and Mrs
Io and their daughter,
Pat.
Rosie - Prithee abase y'rselves before
Mr and Mrs Cblossom and their daughter
Leila. (Botherer) Cast your gaze upwards not two inches. :-)
irach - And the
Blossom's other daughter
Cherie now makes her grand entrance together with her friends, the
prim Rose, Mr.
Green- Ari, Mr.
Eric Ation, and her little doggy
pet Eunia
Botherer - [Rosie] Mr and Mrs
Ioset and their son,
Pat. oops...
CdM - [Botherer, Rosie] Well, in that case, I think we must welcome, from Ireland, Mr and Mrs
O'Furniture and their son
Patrick.
Rosie - Please welcome
Mr and Mrs Aceousborder and their son
Herb.
Snodgrass - I dont think we've seen them before, so lets welcome
Mr & Mrs O'Dawes and their son
Paddy
irach -
[How about Late Arrivals to the Hospital Staff Dinner? The landscape gardener invitees seem to have all arrived at theirs.]
irach - Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the annual dinner of Mornington General Hospital Staff. May I present Dr.
Otto L'Aryngeal, Dr. and Mrs
Agnosis and their lovely daughter
Di, followed very close on their heels by our chief of gastroenterology
Dr. Hart-Burns and nurse Miss
Ivy Lyon.
Botherer - Next, the consultant Mr
O'Rhea, his lovely wife
Di, their guest Mr
Sovflu and his naughty wife, the very bad
Kay. Oh! And look! That's
Guy Nacologist trying to get in with his Czech friend Dr
Tologist (I believe his first name is
Procz). They're sneaking in the rear entrance.
RedSnapper - And here's our resident rheumatologist Dr.
Art Rhitis, our hepatologist Dr.
Billy Rubin and our microbiological pathologist Ms.
Paris Itic, accompanied by Mrs.
Biotic, her
Auntie.
irach - Ah, and visiting from Seoul as guest physician is the bowel specialist, Dr.
En Yee Ma together with our own intestinal genius, Dr.
Cole N. O'Scope; here comes our ophthalmological team of Dr.
Iris D'Ilation and Dr.
Rhett, his wife
Tina, and of course our beloved ER nurse
Emma Gency.
ImNotJohn - Mr & Mrs
Essay and their unpleasant daughter
Emma, and their ineffectual friend
Penny Sillin
RedSnapper - Arriving now are our haematologist, Dr.
Ann Emia our cardiology team of Dr.
Cora Nary and Dr.
Ed Ema and our plastic surgeons Dr.
Tom E. Tuck and Dr.
Mai Noo Chin.
irach - And now it is indeed my pleasure to announce the arrival of a rather large group: our neurologists Dr.
Al Zheimer and Dr.
Lev O'Dopa, our virologists
Herb S. Zoster and
Ruby Ola, hepatologist Dr.
John Diss, a visting urologist from the Osaka Medial Centre in Japan, Dr.
Yurinari, and our tropical medicine expert, Dr.
Lepp accompanied by his charming wife
Rosy.
RedSnapper - And here's our addiction counseler
Nick O'Tine, our pulmonologist Dr.
Emma Physema, followed by one of our endocrinologists Dr.
Abetes and his wife
Di.
irach - Please welcome Dr.
C. Phyllis Tester - our VD specialist, our special Hypertension Clinic nurse
Di Astole. And yes, she normally puts everyone to sleep, but tonight she's the life of the party - Dr.
Anne Esthesia, accompanied by her beau Dr.
Al Lergies.
RedSnapper - And here's our nephrologist, Dr.
Kidd (nee Stone) and her Russian associate from Vladivostok, Dr.
Yuri Narytractblok.
irach - Ah, I see that our oncolgists have now arrived. Please welcome Dr.
Luke Emia (who due to devotion to duty has come in later and separately from his aforementioned wife
Ann), Dr.
Liam Phoma and Dr.
Carson Omar.
RedSnapper - And now yet another of our ENT specialists Dr.
Tom Sills makes his appearance, together with his close associate Dr.
Aidan Oyds .
Rosie - This has turned into a shouting match for the verbally incontinent. Why does nobody observe the usual format?
RedSnapper - Ah, now joining
Dr. and Mrs. Lepp is their charming yet quite orthodox daughter
Rosie, arriving together with Dr.
Salmon and his lovely wife
Ella, and Dr. and Mrs.
Sentry and their young daughter
Dee.
irach - Here comes our consulting nephrologist Dr.
Alysis and his wife
Di, having a shouting match with neurologist Dr.
Drenaline and his better-half
Nora.
RedSnapper - Arriving, picture-perfect as usual, from our radiology section are Dr.
Dio-Graph and her son
Ray and Dr.
Rye and his wonderful wife
Emma.
irach - Now arrving, from the hospital's blood bank, nurse Ms.
Phlebo and her little boy
Tommy and from our seniors' clinic Dr.
Atric and her husband of many years,
Jerry.
penelope - [Rosie] Because redsnapper and irach are on a roll? I don't have the heart to stop them. Jump in there yourself :o)
RedSnapper - Our Inherited Diseases department is represented now by the arrival of Dr.
Etics and her husband
Gene and Dr.
O'Type and her spouse
Cary. From our Hearing Loss clinic, here is Ms.
O'Logist and her son
Audie and from our Clinical Laboratory, Dr.
Hology accompanied by his dear wife
Pat.
plump - Please welcome
Mr Istirrednurse and his son who is in a state
Reg and his
Mate Ron
irach - Our other gastroenterologist is here- please welcome Dr.
Ostomy and her husband
Cole, and here from our Physical Therapy and Rehabilaiitation division is Mrs.
Walker, followed by Mrs.
Ficiallimb and her husband
Artie.
RedSnapper - A hearty welcome now to our brain surgeon Dr.
Neurysm and his lovely wife
Ann and our scalp disorders specialist Dr.
Druff and her husband
Dan.
Knobbly - and please welcome Dr.
Diarmuid Itis and his girlfriend
Em Olient... She's all over him; they should get a room.
Knobbly - And the prolific textbook author,
Don Tist [you may want to read it twice... I didn't get it the first time. I think I'll go and get myself some help; I was recommended a good shrink- someone Kiatrist... anyone heard of him?]
irach - Now arriving, other members of our Dermatology section, Dr.
Anoma and her boyfriend
Mel and Dr.
Loma with his wife Condaleeza- that
Condy to us all. And here comes radiologist Dr.
Umscan, visibly irridescent as always, accompanied by her husband
Barry.
RedSnapper - Our addiction counseler, Ms.
Coholic has now arrived, dizzy in love with her beau
Al; here's neurologist
Cialtic with lovely wife
Fay , here's cardiovascular technician Mr.
O'Gram with his wife
Angie and brain surgeon Dr.
Bellum with his better half
Sarah.
irach - Oh, and who have we here - from our male fertility clinic, please welcome Dr.
Tile-Dysfunction and her husband
Eric and arriving, not prematurely, I might add, Dr.
Ulation and her boyfriend
E. Jack.
RedSnapper - And here's a large mixed bag of dinner guests arriving together- the
Pectoris twin sister nurses,
Ann and
Gina, infectious disease physician Dr.
Tulism and his wife
Bo, from our eating disorders clinic Dr.
Tatory and her husband
Gus, our oral surgeon Dr.
Vitis and his lovely daughter
Ginger and orthopaedic surgeon Dr.
Merus with her husband
Hugh.
irach - And here is ENT physician, Dr.
Ingitis and her husband
Larry- they'll be singing a lovely duet for us later this evening; endocrinologist and hormonal disorder specialist Dr.
Naecomastia and her well-endowed husband
Guy and perky intravenous line specialist nurse Ms.
Phylline accompanied by her husband
Theo.
RedSnapper - Here come our hospital pharmacists, Mr.
Turate and his lovely lady
Barbie, and Ms.
Adryl accompanied by her husband
Ben.
Dandalf - At last from Infectious Diseases, the Italian Head of Department Prof.
Rologi and his lovely wife Vi together with Swiss specialist Dr.
T.A.Giess and his partner
Con.
irach - Now arriving, our fungal diseases specialist, Dr.
Osis and her husband
Mike, our abdominal surgeon Dr.
Toneum and her little boy
Perry, the unsurpassed expert in medical tube insertions, Dr.
Terise and his slender bride
Cathy, our expert in hot flashes Dr.
Piration and her husband
Percy and our medical microbiologist Dr.
Ylococcus and his wife
Steph.
RedSnapper - Please now welcome orthopaedic surgeon Dr.
O'Scopic and her husband
Arthur, gynaecologist Dr.
Ectomy and his lovely wife
Hesther, obstetrician Dr.
Livery and his wife
Dee, nurse
Inedrip and her husband
Sal, plastic surgeon Dr.
Onstructive and her fiance
Rick and finally, coroner Dr.
Bund and her husband
Maury.
Dandalf - Give a big welcome to dietician
Bo Hyde-Rate who came in her new
car and visiting Tokyo husband-and wife dental hygienists
Hal and
Ito Sis.
irach - Here now is paediatric infectious diseases specialist Dr.
Ingcough and his celebrity lady guest
Whoopi , gastroenterologists Dr.
Ispepsia arriving with his wife
Dee, and Dr.
Imentary and her husband
Al - and now here come emergency room doctor Dr.
Sbleed and her hubby
Noah.
Effable - I may have missed them ... but I don't think I've seen the
O'Dontists,
Perry and his lovely Japanese wife
Endo. Have you?
RedSnapper - Please welcome our osteopath, Dr.
Pulates and her husband
Manny, our facial surgeon specialist in fixing broken jaws, Dr.
Bular and his wife
Mandy and from our eating disorders clinic Dr.
O'Rexia and his very slim fiancee
Ann.
irach - From our drug abuse intervention clinic, here comes Dr.
Lucinate and her husband
Hal, from our mental health division please welcome Dr.
Lirium and his wife
Dee, nurse
Ancholy and her husband
Mel, and interventional psychologist Dr.
Icidal with his wife
Sue.
RedSnapper - Our malnutritional diseases expert Dr.
Etts has now arrived together with son
Rick; here's neurologists Dr.
Tonin and his wife
Sarah and Dr.
Ium and her husband
Val, and from our cardiology unit, Dr.
Esterol and her husband
Cole.
irach - And, what infectious smiles they have - her come Dr.
Thrax and his lovely wife
Ann, and Dr.
Ellosis and her husband
Bruce from our Communicable Diseases unit; now please join me in wecoming Dr.
Major and her husband
Sir Jerry.
RedSnapper - Here now, from the STD clinic is Dr.
Talherpes and his wife
Jenny, from our Virology division Dr.
Io nd her husband
Paul and from our Gender Identity clinic Dr.
Phrodite and his lovely fiancee
Irma.
irach - Please give a rousing welcome to staff from our Psychiatric Clinic- Dr.
Alomania and his wife
Meg arriving together with Dr.
Trophobia and her husband
Claus and Dr.
Lusions-O'Grandeur with his lovely wife
Dee.
RedSnapper - From our medical imaging department here come technician Mrs.
O'Gram and her
son; from our teaching laboratory, Dr.
Tomical and his wife
Anna, and ah, moving rapidly towards Dr.
Sentry and his wife
Dee who have been her a while, is parasitic disease expert Dr.
Bic and his lovely wife
Amy.
Botherer - Seems to have dried up a bit, but a jolly good effort by all there. How about
Late arrivals at the Alcoholic Beverages Ball?First to arrive not on time, Mr and Mrs
Ingblack-Label and their son
Carl. And is that Pa and
Ma Diera-Wine?
Robin - Here's
Glen Livet with his American cousin,
Jack Daniels.
CdM - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
Tonic and their daughter
Jean Ann.
Rosie - Look, it's Dr. No, with his Dad,
Père Nod.
Robin - Mr and Mrs
Two-Oh with their son
Jay.
Botherer - And lovely to see the cannonised
St. Ella d'
Artois and
St. Ron G'bow.
Rosie - Please all be upstanding for
Mr and Mrs Quiri and their adopted Welsh son
Dai.
irach - Here come Mr.
Canter, his lovely wife
Dee and their daughter
Brandy.
RedSnapper - Please now give a rousing welcome to Madame
Vignon and her husband
Saul, and Frau
Ontherocks and her husband
Martin E.
irach - Now arriving are Dr.
Andtonic and his lovely bride
Jen and Ms.
Cordial with her fiance
Liam.
RedSnapper - Ah, here come our Far East visitors -they've travelled all the way from Siam, welcome please Mr.
Thai and his lovely wife
Mai and from Japan Mr.
Kaze and his lovely wife
Kami.
Robin - From Scotland, Mr and Mrs
Manport with their son
Sandy.
irach - Now arriving, Mr.
Orum and his lady
Peg, and Mrs.
Schott-Ovodka with her husband
Hugh G.; they're talking to the hosts of tonight's ball, Mrs.
Cohol and her husband
Al and Mr.
Verage and his lovely wife
Bev.
RedSnapper - They're the party poopers, but please welcome anyway, our uninvited guests, Mrs.
Taler and her fiance
Tito and Mrs.
Ered-Downedrinks and her husband
Walt
Robin - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
Weiser with their son
Bud.
irach - Here come Mr. and Mrs.
Heiser-Busch accompanied by their daughter
Ann
RedSnapper - Please now welcome
Dom Ignon and his son
Perry.
irach - Now announcing the arrival of Mr.
Sette and his wife
Annie and Lady
Hua with her husband
Karl.
RedSnapper - Adding some spice and flavour to tonight's event, here come Mrs.
Buca and her husband
Sam, Mr.
Gelico and his wife
Fran and Mr.
Schino accompanied by his wife
Mara.
irach - Please now give a rousing welcome to Mrs.
Edectine and her husband
Ben and to Mrs.
Tura-Bitters and her husband
Angus.
RedSnapper - Where would this Ball be without them? - please welcome Mrs.
Enders and her husband
Bart and Mr.
Kennnot-Stirred and his wife
Shea.
Robin - And please welcome Mr and Mrs
Mish-Stout with their daughter
Bea.
irach - Here now is Mr
Todd E. and his fiancee, she's
hot! And here from gay Paris comes Madame
Eaumouton-Rothschild, who brought along her
chat.
RedSnapper - Please put your hands together to welcome Mrs
Ot and her husband
Merle, and Ms.
Jolais who's here with her
beau. Here now come Mrs.
Ihana-Sake and her husband
Ben.
Robin - Please welcome and make admiring comments to Mr and Mrs
Cham with their
baby.
(Surely too young to be at a ball. Ed)
irach - Now arriving, effervescent as ever, the
DeCork twins and their
pop, followed (as is so often the case at these soirees) by Mrs.
Over and her hubby
Hank
Robin - And following Hank Over, from Germany it's
Herr Ofthedog.
RedSnapper - Arriving now, Mr.
Ttomsup and his dear wife
Bo, Mr.
Ut and his better-half
Sal, and Mr. and Mrs.
Stemware and their lovely sparkly daughter
Crystal.
plump - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
Pintofshandyandabagofcrisps and their son
Arthur
RedSnapper - Here come the
Steins and their tall daughter Beersheba, known to us all as just
Beer; let's drink to their health and that of our other arriving guests , Mr.
Zeltov and his
Ma.
Rosie - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
BennetthowlongdoesittaketochangeabarrelforChrist'ssake and their thirsty son
Gordon.
Trad.
irach - Here, making a clandestine entry, are Mr.
Shine and his lovely wife
Mona, followed by Mr.
Sotted and his wife
Bea and Mrs.
Lated and her pet chihuahua
Pixie.
Robin - And as the evening draws to a close, please welcome from Sweden Mr and Mrs
Torders-Please with their son
Lars.
Rosie - Even later arrivals are
Mr and Mrs 'AveyerglassesPLEASE and their son
Les.
RedSnapper - And now, at last here' Mrs.
Sleepitoff and her husband
Homer too.
irach - Making sure everyone is on the up and up at the Ball, here come Mrs.
Galdrinkin-Gage and her husband
Lee
Dandalf - And now, arriving just in time, Ms
Kaseltzer with her devoted
Al.
Falstaff -
"Egad, here comes that dreadful widow Stumpwater and her hillbilly daughter Georgia."
RedSnapper - Please now welcome Mr.
Lindrunk and his wife
Maud and Mrs.
Pefied and her husband Stuart, nicknamed
Stu.
irach - Yeeeeeha! Joining the fun and coming in dancing an Appalachian barn-stomp are Ms.
Tryhooch and her man (and also her first cousin), Conrad, that's
Con to those of us who know him (and his still in the backwoods) quite well.
Robin - From Transylvania here's the Prince of Darkness, Count
Ivar-Vodka with his son
Vlad.
(Transylvania? Surely Warrington. Ed)
Dandalf - Please welcome the voluptious Ms
Hatton and her
man, furtively followed by "
E" from MI5 and her current control
Martin.
Dandalf - That's "voluptuous" of course!
RedSnapper - Ah, here straight from Havana are Mrs.
Jito and her husband
Mo, followed by Mrs.
D'Punch and her husband
Spike.
Dandalf -
Rita and her friend
marge have just walked in, accompanied by Senor
Colada and his wife
Pina.
irach - Please now welcome Ms.
Bristolcream hand-in-hand with someone, whose hand is it she's holding? Oh yes, it's her brother
Harvey's; and now here comes Mrs.
Ishwhisky with her husband
Ira.
RedSnapper - Ach, please now welcome from Scotland Mrs.
Dronach and her husband
Glen and from
Cork in Ireland Mrs.
Sirishcream and her husband
Bailey.
irach - And now from Shanghai, its Mr.
Chi who's here with his
Auntie and looky here, its Mr.
Aresco now arriving with his wife
Barb.
RedSnapper - Here's Ms.
Ness with her fiancee from Marseilles
Guy; followed by Mrs.
Aner-Dunkelweisse and her husband
Paul and from Quebec here come Mr.
Sonlager and his wife Molly, affectionately known as
Mol.
irach - They're so cool- please now welcome Ms.
Uminiumicebucket and her husband
Al and Ms.
Typroof and her pet poodle
Fifi.
RedSnapper - And from the Basque border of France in the Pyreeness, here are our distinguished guests, Madame
Ouleguy-Cabernet and her Monseuir
Ira
irach - Maybe it's time for a new set? How about Late Arrivals to the
Shakespeare Enthusiasts' Garden Soiree? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our annual garden party felicitating the Bard of Avon! I am pleased to announce the arrival of Mrs.
Ornottobe hand-in-hand with her little boy
Toby, followed by her daughter
Beth and husband
Mac.
Rosie - Please welcome
Mr & Mrs Thefourthpartone and their son
Henry. Not allowable, strictly, because the name is there already, but sod it.
RedSnapper - Now arriving Mr.
Trical and his wife
Thea and Mr.
Byanyothername and his wife
Rose.
irach - Please now welcome Mr.
Enkranz with his wife, also named
Rose, and Mrs.
Iban with her husband
Cal.
Dandalf - All the way from the BBC (Bogota Bard-lovers Circle) please welcome Senor
Uscezar and his wife
Juli
RedSnapper - Here comes Mrs.
DeMona and her husband, Desmond, who we better know as
Des, and Mr.
Wivesofwindsor with his wife
Mary.
irach - And now please welcome Col.
Waretheides-O'March and wife Beatrice, who we know by her nicknmae
Bea.
RedSnapper - Look who's here! It's Dr.
Stern and his lovely wife
Guilda.
irach - Please welcome Mr.
Oftheshrew who's arrived with his Vietnamese fiancee,
Tami Ng.
Robin - Closely followed by Mrs
AssPoorYorick with her husband
Al.
Redsnapper - Ah, her comes Mr.
O'Medes with his lovely wife
Di
irach - And what would this Midsummer Night's soiree be without them - please welcome Mr.
Ryqueen and his enchanting wife
Fay.
RedSnapper - Now arriving, Ms.
Morelovely and Ms.
Moretemperate with their mutual friend
Art and here's Mrs.
Lock and her little daughter, oh she's so
shy, as is Mrs.
Budsofmay's little
darling - they too have just walked in.
irach - From Italy, please welcome Ms.
Ofverona who's accompanied by
two gentlemen, and now here come Mr.
Tonio with his wife
Ann, and his good friend Mr.
Anio who's here with his wife
Bess.
Robin - Please welcome Mr and Mrs
LusandCressida with their son
Troy, along with Mr and Mrs
TersTale and their son
Wyn.
irach - And now, welcome Mrs.
O'Lanus and her little boy
Cory.
RedSnapper - Announcing the arrival of Mrs.
Iloquy and her huband Solomon, who's known to all and sundry as just
Sol.
irach - Please welcome Mrs.
Ingdom-Forahorse and her husband
Mike.
Dandalf - And now, sure to make a big splash - Mrs
Turd and her husband
Richard D.
irach - And now, scaling the wall to get here, are Ms.
Amusandthisbe and her lover boy
Pierre.
RedSnapper - Now let's give a well proportioned welcome to Mr.
Sureformeasure and his wife
May , Mrs.
Net who's accompanied by her
son and Mrs.
Zabethan and her husband
Eli.
Dandalf - Please welcome, on my left Mrs
Gue and her husband
Monty, and on my right Mrs
Pulet with her consort Charles Anthony, known to all as
C.A.
irach - Here now are Mrs.
Onofathens and husband
Tim accompanied by Mrs.
Cles and her son
Perry.
Alexander - Coming up from the cellar Mr and Mrs N KRANTS and their lovely daughter ROSE, closely followed by Mr STEIN who has just tipped me a GUILDER. (cheeky sod not even legal tender now!)
irach - Another one, shall we...? Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to the most earth shaking global event of the year-
THE ANNUAL GEOGRAPHERS' BALL.
irach - Please welcome Mrs.
Amanca and her husband
Sal, Mrs.
Ya and her husband
Ken, and all the way from Russia, Mrs.
Ivostok and her husband
Vlad.
Dandalf - And from the smallest EU member state, we are honoured with the presence of Ms
Etta and her husband
Val
irach - Now arriving Mrs.
Wa and her husband
Otto, Mrs.
Toba and her spouse
Manny, Ms.
Monton and her beau
Ed and Mrs.
Berta and her man
Al.
Wol - Please welcome
Mr and Mrs Placetostopandbuypetrolbeforethemotorway and their Swedish son
Lars.
Tuj - And also Mr
Manislands and his wife
Kay.
Tuj - ...and of course her sister, who's called
Kay too.
irach - Here come Mr.
Ados and his wife
Barb, Mr.
Apolis and his wife
Minnie, Mrs.
Pelago and her husband
Archie, Mrs.
Tucky and her husband
Ken, and finally Mr.
Apagos and his
gal.
Rosie - Oh look, there's
Loess. How
gneiss.
irach - Look now , it's Mrs.
Ifax with her husband
Hal, Ms.
Chu-Picchu who's come with her
Ma and Mr.
Ho, accompanied by his wife
Ida.
Rosie - Will you all please welcome
Mr and Mrs Luvialdeposits and their son
Al.
Rosie - And now prithee abase y'rselves before
Mr & Mrs Ticline and their daughter
Ann.
Rosie - I see the working girls have arrived, or
The Mendips, as we call them.
irach - Please welcome Mrs.
Jave and her husband
Mo, Mr.
Livia and his wfe
Bo, Mrs.
Bleland and her husband
Ara, Mrs.
Ora and her
son and Ms.
Kistan and her
Pa.
irach - Now arriving Mr.
Ence and his wife
Flo, Mrs.
Inburgh and her husband
Ed, Ms.
Rdeen and her beau
Abe, Mr.
Mentaryrock and his wife
Sadie, Ms.
Acabana and her fiance- he's a
cop, and Mrs.
Islava with her fidgety, whining little boy - boy, is he a
brat!
pooksad - And also the twins
Fergus and
Rick, lazy as ever in their
car!
irach - Welcome now Ms.
Ifornia and her husband
Cal, Mrs
Pinemeadow and her husband
Al, Mrs.
Ghazi and her husband
Ben and Mrs.
O'Mites with her little girl- she's such a little
doll.
Irouléguy - And just arriving are the
Seilles clan, headed by their
Mar, followed by Mr and Mrs
Kjavik and their son
Ray
Rosie - Will you please welcome
Mr and Mrs Ube and their son
Dan.
irach - Now arriving are Mr.
Bai and his
Mum, Mr.
Rradelfuego and his lovely wife
Tia, Mrs.
Enhagen and her husband, he's a
cop, and Mr.
Gota, accompanied by his lovely wife
Bo.
Pooksad - Oh look,here's
Mona and
co.
Rosie - Please put your hands together for
Mr and Mrs Bennettdidyoueverseesuchglaciatedlandforms and their son
Gordon.
irach - Ah, and her come Mrs.
Buktu and her husband
Tim, Mrs.
Geria and her husband
Al and Dr.
Insula and his lovely wife Penelope, that's
Pen to us all.
Phil - Mrs & Mrs
Eria have brought their son
Nige and their daughter
Lib. And I see Mr
Congo has completed his PhD, and is now
DR Congo.
nfras - Please welcome Mr.
Tinentaldrift and his son
Con. Heralding the arrival of Mrs.
Wan and her daughter
Tai, sorry, the young lady is now married to Mr.
Pei. Late as usual we have Mr. and Mrs.
Skye and their lovely daughter
Isla.
irach - Here comes Mrs.
Rocco, accompanied by her man
Mo, Mr.
Ablanca and his wife
Cass, Mrs.
Geria and her husband
Al, and Mrs.
Tius with her husband
Maury.
Dandalf - And,arriving undercover -
Q, keeper of spy gadgets for the
IRA.
irach - Here's the gangster Don
Davia accompanied by his
moll, followed close on their heels by his ex-moll Ms.
Ube, all dressed in blue, accompanied by her new gangster beau,
Dan, and ahh, here come the
Polis sisters,
Anna and
Minnie A.
nfras - Here come Mr and Mrs
River and their two sons,
Niall and
Clyde. And following close behing them is Mr
Issippi and his unmarried daughter, the beautiful
Miss.
irach - Look who's now arriving- it's none other than Mr.
Jevo with his wife
Sara, Mrs
Aragua and her husband
Nick, Mrs.
Vador with her lovely daughters
Elle and
Sal; oh! here come Master
Raguay and little Miss
Kistan who're both here with their
Pas , Mr.
Aide whose arrived with his lady
Adele, and finally the henpecked Mrs.
Oya with his wife- she's a real
nag!
Botherer - The incredibly gifted lab
Tech, Ms
Cplates, familiarly known as
Toni.
irach - Here comes Mr.
Ir with his wife
Pam, Mrs.
Otho has just arrived accompanied by her hubby
Les; Oh! here's Mr.
Tok and his
gang, and now arriving Mr.
Tucket and his lovely wife
Nan and his daday, affectionately known as
Paw and finally Mrs.
Bany who's arrived with husband
Al.
Botherer - Over a week since I last looked and only one? Time to refresh with
SPORTING EVENTS BALLAnd first up to the post, the delightful matriach
d'National, affectionately known to all as
Gran.
Dandalf - Here they come, making a terrible
racket, Ms.
Nis and her
Ten kids
Rosie - Will you please welcome
Mr and Mrs Perbowl and their daughter
Sue.
irach - Here comes Ms.
Jumping with her fiance Bernard Graham, popularly known to all as
Bern G., Mrs.
Polo's now arrived with her husband
Walter; ah! here comes Mrs.
Kerr with her hubby
ChuckImpic-Games with her man
Olly and Mr.
Thon and his lovely wife
Mara.
Rosie - Please be upstanding for
Mr and Mrs DVvanstrophysemifinalsecondlegdecidedonpenalties and their daughter
Elle.
Software - Please welcome from the USA
Mr and Mrs Erofpolo and their son
Chuck.
Irouléguy - Please stand back and allow the caretakers to remove the picture over the mantelpiece - we had thought it was an original
Upfinal, but I'm afraid it's proved to be a
Fake.
Software - Also from the US of A
Mr and Mrs Ations and their young daughter,
Fawn.
Robin - And a welcome please for
Mr and Mrs Ing-Cup and their son
Carl.
Rosie - A big hand please for
Mr and Mrs Spoonrace and their son
Egon.
Software - Just entering
Admiral and Mrs Rhys-Cupp and their lovely daughter
Amy.
Rosie - Prithee all abase y'selves before
Mr and Mrs Bennettlookatthelengthofthatticketqueue and their son
Gordon. (trad.)
Phil - From North of the border come
Mr & Mrs Cutta Cup with their sone
Cal
Dandalf - And here they come, weaving through the gates with a swish, that popular
Neskiing couple,
Al &
Pi.
Phil - From Spain,
Mr & Mrs Hundred-Metres are here, and a short dash away is their son
Juan driving their
4 x 4
Irouléguy - And behind them that popular couple from the world of televised sport, Mr and Mrs
Cingfromwarwick and their son
Ray.
Software - Make way for
Mr & Mrs National and their
Gran.
irach - Here comes Mrs.
Tuckyderby with her husband
Ken and Mr.
Te with his lovely wife
Kara; here's Mr. and Mrs.
Wando who've brought along their little
tyke, accompanied by Mrs.
Ido and her husband
Ike.
Phil - [irach] Couldn't
Ken Do come, or Solly "The
Jew" Jitsu?
Dandalf - And here we have Mr.
Larts his wife
Martia, accompanied by their daughter
Pauline who came by
Tram.
plump - Please welcome
Mr & Mrs Deeanappleizfivehundred and their son
Ian
Phil - Please be upstanding for
Mr & Mrs Manteetee and their biker daughter
Isla
Dandalf - A big hand for the
Raleigh brothers,
Monty and
Carlo.
Software - Please welcome
Mr and Mrs Mulerwan and their quadruplets, known as the
Four.
plump - Please welcome
Mr & Mrs Sh and their son
Lou and his friend
Bob Slay
irach - Please give a rousing welcome to Mrs.
Atta and her husband
Reg and Mr.
Ving who's accompanied by his lady
Di; look- here's Mr.
Vault with his fiancee from Wroclaw- (she's a
Pole), and Mr.
Xing with his wife
Bo.
Phil - From the International Olympic Committee, please welcome from Spain,
Senor Slipofthefingerandthewrongsoddingcitygetstheolympics and his button-pushing pal,
Juan
irach - Here comes Mrs.
Mostlost-DeMatch with her husband
Al, followed by Mrs.
Tplace and her husband
N. Lars; Oh! and here come Miss
Elle Bow and her fiance
T. Ennis.
penelope - Are we fed up of the continual party circuit yet? Is it time for a new game?
rab - It would seem so - since it's been a week since you posed that question:
Mornington Crescent.
Audience -
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for rab*
This is the end of the line. There is no more.