This was Kevan's idea (see MCiOS chat room). It's based on the song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" ("You just slip out the back, Jack; Make a new plan, Stan....") Well, there have to be 50 ways to do other tasks, right? So, off we jolly well go, Joe!
And so it begins...
DrQu+xum - Who wants to throw out the first task?
Ringwraith no. 5 - I think I'll leave that to someone else...inspiration's gone dry for the minute.
rab - How about...
To Make Friends and Influence People 1. Tell them that everything they do would have been so much better if you had done it.
Chalky -
2. Smell like hake, Jake
Inkspot -
3 Imitate and giggle at their walk, Bjork.
Raak -
6 Use rhyming slang, Wang.
st d -
7 Use a rhyme as a grab, rab.
Dunx -
9 Offer them a drink, Tink.
rab -
11. Dis their man, Jan.
Bob the dog -
12. Don't be cold as an iceberg, Googolplex the Amazing Balancing Goat from Luxembourg.
Dunx -
13. Make your lines scan, Stanley.
Raak -
14. Interrupt the flow.
Inkspot -
15.Admire their nasal hair, Fleur....*works for me*
Bob the dog -
17. Buy them a ghetto-blaster, Breadmaster.
Tuj - Hmm, that simuls my pet-frog buying plans then...
19. Complement their style, Kyle.
Dunx -
20. Roast them some lamb, Saddam.
Brendan -
21. Do them a big favour, Eva.
Inkspot -
22. Show'em your string vest, Pet.
penelope -
24. Offer them a tot, Inkspot
DrQu+xum -
25. Don't be smelly, JLE.
*stretch declared* Dunx -
26. Slice up some canteloupe, penelope.
"not rhyming" declared Chalky -
27. Show off your trunks, Dunx.
[double entendre invoked] LotUS -
28. Invite them for a drink, Link.
Kim - Take 'em for a walkie, Chalky.
Brendan -
31 Make them some tasty pasta, Breadmaster.
Inkspot -
32 sit and stare at the baps, rab
Kim - Show off yer pecs, Googleplex.
Chalky -
35. Show them your six-pack, Raak.
rab -
36. Tell a whopping fib, Lib.
penelope -
37. Give 'em some slack, Raak
Are we supposed to be attracting friends and influencing people or putting them off??!! ZK - <38> Make everything simple and plain, Jane.
Brendan -
39 Use a swearword bleeper, Zoological Keeper.
DrQu+xum -
40. Throw your old name out, ex-Time Sprout.
Tuj -
42. Teach them how to swim, Kim.
Well, it's a friendly act!? Tuj - Is it just coincidence that every time I've posted in this game, I've been simulposted? Or is it a government conspiracy?
snorgle -
43. Act all paranoid, Floyd.
Toby -
44. But don't get complacent, Jason.
penelope -
45. Don't act too smart, Bart
Falstaff -
46.Choke your finger-licken, Chicken.
rab -
47. Introduce us to some totty, Watty.
Breadmaster -
48 Buy them a round and a half, Falstaff.
LotUS -
49. Go trekking in the Gobi, Toby.
DrQu+xum -
50. Keep 'em squirmin', Fat German.
Chalky -
50 Ways To Fail A Job Interview1. Light a cigarette, Bette.
Inkspot -
2. Pick yer nose and flick, Mick.
Chilly - Smell your own fart, Bart.And set yourself free.
snorgle -
5.Wee in the hand basin, Jason.
rab -
7. Get out your cock, Jock.
snorgle -
8.Slap 'em in the face, Eustace. And get yourself free.
visual rhyme declared Dunx -
9. Offer them a bribe, Clive.
adam -
10. Look deeply bored, Maud
CdM -
11. Tell them they're fools, Jules
LotUS -
12. Dance around in the nude, Jude.
snorgle -
13Whip out your knob, Bob.
Inkspot -
14. Admit you wet the bed, Fred.
Dunx -
15. Ensure your handshake is clammy, Tammy.
Tuj -
16. Fall asleep halfway through, Lou.
Raak -
17. Interview them, Jem.
Toby -
18. And do condescend, friend.
Dujon -
19. Don't rock the ship, Pip.
CdM -
20. Handwrite your vita, Rita.
plump -
21Have a w*nk Frank
snorgle -
22.Tell 'em you shagged their mom, Tom.
Americanisation invoked. Toby -
24. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, Steve.
Thos -
25Turn up a day late, Kate.
26 Take a mobile 'phone call, Paul
27 Have spinach in your teeth, Keith.
28 Soil your pants, Hans Sorry, only just discovered this excellent game.
Inkspot -
29. Feign a nervous twitch, Rich.
Rosie -
30. Mention that your chief leisure interest is fellatio, Horatio.
Bob the dog -
31. Dress as a pike, Mike.
32. Play with your gender, Brenda.
33. Tell them that you like playing online games, James.
plump -
34. Keep shouting "Wibble" and starting to dribble, Sybil
Brendan -
35. Wear a fluorescent shirt, Bert.
Dunx -
37. Pretend that you're Italian, Ian.
LotUS -
39. Just use your axe, Max.
Rosie -
40. Stun them with a totally irrelevant query, Desiree.
41. Wriggle on the chair and complain about your Chalfonts, Alphonse.
Dunx -
42. Insist loudly and repeatedly that you have irrefutable proof that the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything is forty two, Stu.
Chalky -
43. Fake your CV, Evie.
[Rosie - No 41 haha!] Inkspot -
44. Tap your feet to an unknown beat,Pete.
penelope -
45. Show 'em your operation scars, Lars
rab -
46. Wear a skirt, Kurt.
DrQu+xum -
47. Quote George Carlin, Marlon.
Rosie -
48. Tell them you used to work for Citroen and show them your CV, Diane.
(bending the rules a bit) Chalky -
49. Conclude by informing them that the job has your name written all over it and they needn't bother interviewing any other applicants, Lance.
penelope -
50. Stride over, kiss the interviewers on both cheeks and ask when you can start, Art.
Fifty Ways to Improve Your House Without Calling In The Experts Dunx -
2. Decorate to elicit abhorrence, Lawrence.
Inkspot -
3. Paint the grass contrasting mauves, Jove.
DrQu+xum -
4. Plant an indoor hedge, Reg.
Tuj -
5. Knock down a weight-bearing wall, Paul.
Dunx -
6. Use reflective glass in your window, Glenda.
Dujon -
1. Wallpaper the tiles, Miles.
Inkspot -
7.Splatter paint tea bags at the ceiling, Rose.
Inkspot - 1..2...3....4.....5......6.......7.......Oh, I know this, I know this, don't rush me...no its gone
Toby - er
9?Upgrade to mixer taps, Babs.
Dujon -
10. Get the mix (and numbers) right, Dwight.
Guest Login -
11? Declare UDI, Si,
and set yourself free penelope -
12. Use rockwool to insulate the loft, Lara Croft
Rosie -
14. Install Venetian blinds, Heinz.
penelope -
15. Clean out the cellar, Arabella
Tuj -
17. Convert it into a tip, Pip.
Dunx -
18. Cover everything in throws, Rose.
Raak -
19. When buyers call, fill the place with the aroma of fresh coffee, Boffy?
Raak -
20. Dump all clutter, like that extraneous question mark, Mark.
snorgle -
21.Play charades, LeStrade.
Toby -
22. Deck the terrace with a liana, Indiana.
Twiki -
24 Convert your loft so it's Catholic, Patrick.
rab -
25. Wipe the door, Handel.
Kim - Add a conservatory, Rory.
Kim - I said
26, I did, really!
Bob the dog -
27. Make sure your house has the correct numberin', Kim.
penelope -
28 Change the house number from an odd to an even, Steven
Dunx -
31. Repaint your table, Mable.
Inkspot -
32. Have a lean-to like a tutu, Tito.
Dunx -
34. Take exams in Feng Shui, Fay.
alternate pronunciation invoked Breadmaster - Breadmaster
35 Don't use that ridiculous Feng Shui, Dee.
other pronunciation inserted Inkspot - Brighten your pine with felt pen, Ken.
LotUS -
38. Hang a new chandelier, Néa.
Dujon - Remove all the slate, mate
Sorry to be so familiar :-(
Rosie - Get rid of that Welsh Dresser, Vanessa.
Dujon - Replace the flock, Jock.
Dujon - That was
42. Hrrmph! Dujon -
Just to prove it 43. Rip out the ceil, Neil.
ZK -
44. Build a jacuzzi, Susie.
Dujon -
45. Install a new pan, Jan.
Dujon -
46. Plumb the bidet, May.
Dunx -
47. Put up a shelf, Dolph.
Snodgrass -
48 Chuck out the chintz (!?), Vince
penelope -
49. Rearrange the chair, Claire
Inkspot -
50. Make the stair into a slide, Clyde
penelope - May I suggest another?
50 Ways To Start a Riot 1. Light a fire by the prison gate, Kate
Inkspot -
3. Tell the Queen she's a has-been, Dean
Dunx -
4. Protest against tax, Max.
Kim -
5. Let them eat cake, Jake.
Bigsmith -
6.Piss in someone's beer, Dear
ZK -
7. Mention the footy, Sooty.
Tuj -
8. Insult someone's Mum, Friedrich.
Can't be bothered rhyming. I'll make up for it next time... Bob the dog - And that, guys'n'gals, was a new arrival in the charts at number
8. Thos -
10 Insult the police, Maurice.
invoking non-British pronunciation snorgle -
11.Refuse to pay for a loaf of bread, Fred.
Dunx -
12. Hurl lots of pasta, master.
"inappropriate servitude" invoked Tuj -
14. Make someone's wife squeal at your sexual appeal, Neil.
3 for 2 invoked snorgle -
15.Murder, cook and eat your own lodger, Roger.
rab -
16. Stop broadcasting any telly, Kelly.
Chalky -
17. Miss an open goal, Cole.
Dujon -
18. Break MC rules, Jules.
Careful, Chalky (see ZK's entry - No.7 above) ... :-) widey 19 - praise the benefits of genocide, Clyde (not very nice!)
Dunx -
20. Say everyone's a crook, Luke.
ZK - [Dujon] *goes mad with a machine gun* ;)
21. Kill Justin Timberlake, Jake.(A way to incite mad and joyous riots variously against the differing markets and target groups, I suppose)
Dujon -
24. Cheat playing chess, Bess.
DrQu+xum -
25. Invade a country and steal their oil, Doyle.
Tuj -
28. Don't kill Justin Timberlake, Jake.
Had to be done for a balanced view ZK -
29. Flash your tit, Janet.
snorgle -
30.Try to crash a rave, Dave.
[Snodgrass - ooh topical!]
Inkspot -
31. Eat all your housemates stew, Lou.
Snodgrass -
32 Step on someones toe, Joe [Snorgle - How kind of you to notice]
Kim -
33. Qu'ils mangent de la brioche, Josh.
Rosie -
34. Allow a blatantly offside goal, Joel. (Kim) Class!
rab -
36. Adopt a bold font for your stance, Lance.
Tuj -
37. Over-use Bad HTML, Mel.
CdM -
38. Torch a few cars, Lars
[Kim] Very nice... Thos -
39 Throw a molotov cocktail, Abigail.
Dujon -
40. Hit a PC with a brick, Rick.
DrQu+xum -
44. Drop a bomb anywhere in Asia, Anastasia.
rab -
46. Assassinate the Crown Prince, Vince.
Kim -
47. Introduce the Poll Tax, Maggs.
Dunx -
48. Issue a primal scream, Dean.
ZK -
49. Insert an extra fourteen syllables into a certain metrical reading at a poetry recital full of pedants, Lance.
Kim -
50. Insert a horizontal line in the wrong place, Ace.
Chalky -
How about [for you travel lovers] ...
50 Ways To Circumnavigate The Earth
Chalky -
1. Traverse the Amazon Basin, Jason.
Inkspot -
4. Climb on a Penny-farthing, Martin
Angus Prune - ugh. sorry, should have been
5. It's been a long week.....
Kim -
7. Go up in a balloon, June.
snorgle -
8.Mail yourself to Timbuktu, Pru.
Thos -
9 Go with someone from Monty Python, Typhon.
DrQu+xum -
10. Summon Sir Francis Drake, Jake.
CdM -
11. Just hop on a bus, Gus ...
Wait, that sounds familiar... Guest Login -
12. Assume a low earth orbit in a pod, Rod
Dunx -
13. Get pedalling on your bike, Mike.
rab -
15. Try feathers and wax, Max.
LotUS -
16. Sail on the
Kontiki, Mickey.
Dunx -
17. Take an airship, Chip.
DrQu+xum -
18. Strap yourself to a rocket, Crockett.
Chalky -
19. Ride the salt wave, Dave.
Dujon -
22. Paddle your own canoe, Sue.
Chalky -
23. Cross the Serengeti, Betty.
Dunx -
24. Walk beside the Panama Canal, Ranulph.
snorgle -
26. Start by jogging down the parade, Sinead.
Dujon -
26. Pretend it's a marathon, Jonathan.
flerdle -
27. Sail off in a yacht, Dot.
CdM -
28. Take three steps round the pole, Cole.
widey - Try a hand glide,Clyde
Kim -
30: Don't forget your passport, Mort!
LotUS -
31. Tunnel to Albuquerque, Bugs.
CdM -
33.Just keep walking straight, Kate...
34. ...Till you're back where you start, Art
Inkspot -
35. Recharge that Sinclair C5, Clive.
Dujon -
36. Get your Mum to row, Bo.
LotUS -
37. Start by swimming the Atlantic, Nick.
Snodgrass -
38; Half Pipe a Skateboard, Claude
Thos -
39 On a unicycle, Michael.
DrQu+xum -
40. Chuck yourself from a trebuchet, Jay.
Inkspot -
41. Have a lift from a sedan chair, Clare
Tuj -
42. Hop on a jet, Bette.
Kim -
Go around in a rocket, Charlie! Brendan -
45. With a documentary film crew trailin', Michael Palin.
Chalky -
46. On a slow boat to China, Carolina.
adam -
47. Charter the QE2, Lou
Guest Login -
48. Develop a fully functional Matter Transportation Device to convert you into sub-atomic particles and bounce yourself off of a satellite, Dwight
Tuj -
50. Get away and wait for the world to spin, Min.
Tuj - Well, this game's going at a fair old lick, come the time and we need a new one. Erm...
Brendan - *channeling the collective consciousness of the e-pilg*
50 Ways to call in sick1 Tell 'em you've got a frog in your throat, Googolplex the Amazing Balancing Goat.
snorgle -
2. Tell them your nose is the size of a melon, Helen.
Rosie -
3. Say you're suffering from sciatica, Attica.
Rosie -
4. Or just say you've got the flu, Sue, or pulled a muscle, Russell.
Dujon -
5. I've had a family loss, boss.
Snodgrass -
8I think I'm positively insane, Jermaine
Brendan - Say you're under the weather, Heather.
Brendan -
which was 9 of course D'OH! rab -
10 Get a nasty bout of diarrhoea, Maria.
Milo -
11 You've amputated a limb, Jim
ananse1 -
12 Say you've consumed a bottle of Lemony Cif, Cliff
Breadmaster -
13 You simply can't be arsed to come in, Tim.
CdM -
14 Got a touch of gangrene, Dean.
DrQu+xum -
15. Remove your appendix, Felix.
*dodgy rhyme alert* Tuj -
16. Just tell 'em they smell, Mel.
Toby -
17. Say you've got a verruca, Luca.
Tuj -
18. Say you've caught leprosy, Dee.
But don't worry, the doctor says it's going round tight now and I'll be over it by the end of the week. Inkspot -
20. Say that the boil has burst, Kirst.
penelope -
21.Tell 'em you've got a splinter, Araminta.
Dujon -
22. Best use the 'phone, Joan.
Dunx -
23. ... but email if you've got laryngitis, Otis.
Falstaff -
24.Say
*cough* you think you've
*cough* got SARS, Lars.
*cough* *cough* Inkspot -
26. Tell the silly moo you Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, Denise
Tuj -
28. Say your Gran died, Clyde.
penelope -
29. Call to say you've been out late with Jordan, Gordon.
they'll understand, oh yes Dujon -
30. You have gastroenteritis, Titus.
snorgle -
31. You accidentally cut your own head off while trying to shave, Dave.
Dunx -
32. You ate the wrong kind of berry, Terry.
Falstaff -
34.Read them your obituary, Jerry.
Topnosh - Tell em you choked on some Candy, Mandy
Dujon -
36. Just tell 'em you're crook, sook.
Falstaff -
37.Get your dear Mother to call in for you, Lou.
Dujon -
38. Say you've tachycardia, Nadia.
adam -
39. Feign asbestosis, Moses.
all -
40 Deny being in Las Vegas, Gus
penelope - [all] shurely 'Deny being in Las Vegas, Dégas'...?!!
all - [pen]you tell who you want to tell, I'm telling Gus
Casablanca -
41.... send 'em a singing telegram, Sam
Inkspot -
42. The doc says you have thrush, Nush.
penelope -
43. Tell 'em to look up 'cause I'm in freefall, all
and no parachute! all -
44 Say you were crushed by a freefalling lunatic, Rick
Rosie -
45 Say you've dislocated your shoulder, Golda. (Duj) 38 is v. good. :-)
Tuj -
46. Say you're trapped in a lift, Cliff.
Inkspot -
47. You've just had ECT, Jeeves.
Twiki -
48. Nasty does of chlamydia, Lydia.
Falstaff -
49.Tell 'em you're just too damn lazy to come in today, Maisy.
penelope -
50. Be honest and tell 'em you've been out on the piss, Chris.
CdM - I think it must be time for 50 Ways To Play Mornington Crescent, starting with
1. Start at
Green Park, Clark.
all -
2. Avoid Dollis Hill, Will
rab -
3. Perform several striles, Niles.
CdM -
4. Avoid Dollis Hill, Phil.
plump -
9.Keep one foot on the Bank, Frank.
Dujon -
10. Keep an eye on the L.V., Bea.
Rosie -
11. Don't land in knip, Pip
Rosie -
12. Be sparing in invoking Archbold's Lemma, Gemma.
Dujon -
13. Ignore all the rules, fools.
Falstaff -
14.You simply must ad lib, Mr. Gibb.
LotUS -
17. And thence to Kingsway, May.
Kim - Watch out for the LV spike, errr, Spike.
Tuj -
20. Declare home at
Goodge Street, Pete.
Well it works for me! Wol -
21. Don't even
think of gatecrashing one of our games and killing it off by playing
Mornington Crescent, peasant.
Audience -
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Wol* Wol - Oh buggerbuggerbugger - there's a horrid bullet wound in my foot ...
sorrysorrysorry - help!! I really didn't mean that to happen, honest ...
snorgle -
22. Slink back to
Queensway, Fay.
Chalky -
23. Straddle
Putney Bridge, Midge.
all -
24. Beware of roads that go one-way, Jay
Chalky -
25. Fetch the Game Repair Squad when Wol f*cks up,
Fairlop. [teehee]
penelope -
26. Do it with feeling, North Ealing
CdM -
27. Crossharbour and London Arena, Tina
Tuj -
28. Keep the diagonals clear, Pier.
DrQu+xum - Make a joke about
Mudchute, Knute.
Snodgrass -
30 With interesting nicknames, James.
adam -
31. Keep changing your moniker, Monica.
Tuj -
34. Only
*farkle* when stuck, Chuck.
CdM -
35. Never pin
Colindale, Colin, Dale.
Uncle Korky -
36. Don't try to get off at
Museum, Liam!
Tuj -
37. Be wary of
Tooting Bec, Beck.
Inkspot -
38. Have care in Zone One, Juan.
Falstaff -
39.Thru interesting pick-up lines in bars, Lars.
Kim -
40: Check your Fronsky diagram, Pam.
CdM -
[Falstaff] Just FYI, such manoeuvres have been illegal since the 1997 Ljubljana Amendments. Snodgrass -
41 Go right on past Old Street, Pete
Inkspot -
42. Start a Parks Cascade, Jade.
Kim -
43. Try not to bifurcate, Kate
Darren -
44. Don't straddle over
White City, Kitty.
Puckoon -
45. Don't make the
Kings Cross, Boss.
Brendan -
47 Don't cause a reverse temporal eddy, Sir Neddie.
[Neddie] Nice to have such an esteemed knight of the realm with us, but please note that the gigni de nihilo ... game on MCiOS flows in reverse -- ie, if you read up the page it makes sense, so you can't "know" what's gone before as it hasn't happened yet in the game's time frame -- the fun lies in the construction of a "past" that fits everything we know will be "going to happen". I think I've managed to make your first move fit in all right, though ... ([everyone] Sorry; I promise this is the last time I interrupt an mc5 game to explain gigni.) Tuj -
48. Try to bifurcate, Kate.
Of course, it depends on the circumastances, as you all know. 43's still valid, just spotted that![Brendan] You can't believe how long it took me to figure that it was backwards... Darren -
50. Don't forget to finish the match, Patch.
Darren - OK, now how about
50 Ways to Appear on Television.
1. Steak at a sporting event, Brent.
Tuj -
2. Eat an enormous steak, Drake.
For charity or something. Nice one Darren! Wol -
3. Elbow your way vigorously to the front of the 'Last Night of the Prom'ers, Thomas.
widey - Write a TV comedy play....Ray
Dujon -
4. Bare your breast to the planet, Janet.
Dujon -
Ah, not very original; it appears that ZK did something similar earlier. I should have clicked on 'Expose All'. Sorry. Dujon -
Aargh! That should have been 5. Rosie -
7. Become a celebrity cook, Chuck.
From north of 52½°N, obviously. Darren -
8. Write to Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, Rowan.
plump -
9 Go on Who wants to be a Millionaire, Clare
widey - Get eaten by a lion at Longleat, Pete
widey - Pah I forgot the number again.......back to
Kings Cross sorry everyone!!
ZK - 11. - Start a riot at the footie, Sooty. [Dujon] Yours was funnier :)
ZK - [Dujon] Looks like I could take a leaf out of your book. I've done that one before too!
ZK - -
12. Stand still for long enough, Geoff.
Puckoon -
13 Just 'HANG' out in a box, Fox.
ah-la Barmey Blaine. Falstaff -
14.Make a complete and utter spectacle of oneself by perching atop of it, dressed solely in a pink tutu [hands clutching a bowl of salsa i.e. chips] with both unsightly legs dangling over the screen, whilst wearing the rabbit-ear antenna atop ones *sic* head.
Darren - ...Fred.
(completing Falstaff's move) Puckoon -
15. Appear on Big Brother, Mother.
Inkspot -
16. Appoint yet another croney, Tony.
plump -
17. Become a Premiership ref, Jeff
Darren -
20. Make a new episode of
Blake's 7, Kevin.
Puckoon - Make a
good episode of
Blake's 7, Bevin.
Officer Crabtree - Wroot a episod of
'Allo 'Allo which do nat oose a bod fronch acsont, Cont
rab -
23. Wave at a passing news camera, Pamela.
Snodgrass -
24 Become a presenter, Gunther. [Crabbers] I cod nid agwee moer. Until you piss this wee again.
Darren -
25. Invent a new gameshow, Joe.
Chalky -
26. Impress Simon Cowell, Raul.
G.W.B -
27
. Stand as a presidential candidate with a campaign based soley on who your father was despite having a brain made of mush, Mr. Bush
widey 28. - Be the first man on mars......Larrs
Darren -
29. Become a cameraman and turn it 180 degrees, Rhys.
widey - Bomb and invade Syria, Lydia
Thos -
31 In the past, there was always
Police Five, Clive.
ImNotJohn -
32 Hold Romeo Beckham to ransom, handsome.
Tuj -
33. Sit in a house doing b*gger-all, Paul.
Not a fan of Big Brother and the whole reality TV boom, I'm afraid LotUS -
34. Volunteer to be a redshirt, Kurt.
Falstaff -
35. Go on a crime spree, see.
[
thanks Darren ... dunno how i overlooked that...musta been outa breath]
Inkspot -
36. Climb a clock that's big, Ben.
Plug -
37. Enter BBC Talent at www.bbc.co.uk , Ray
Darren -
38. Record yourself with a camcorder and play it back on your own set, Jet.
ZK -
39. Get caught doing that with a minor (playing it back on your telly), Kelly
ooh slightly outdated yet topical [Inkspot] Sublime!
Snodgrass -
41 Voice over a documentary, Terry
Darren -
42. Make an advert, Kurt.
widey 43 - Stalk Mathew Kelly, Nellie (perish the thought!)
Falstaff -
44. Kill the annoying
purple Barney, Killarney.
Snodgrass -
46 Commontate on the Cup Final, Lionel
Inkspot -
47.Put Trinny's head down the pan, Susanne
...(artistic licience declared) ZK -
48. Become a weather girl, Shirl.
(Been going on for a while, hasnt it, this one?) antiknees - Don't do what they want you to, Bartholomew.
Darren -
50. Write the credits at the end, friend.
adam - how about...
50 Ways to Lose Your Liver1. Start with some gin, Lynne.
Rosie -
2. Keep knocking back the sherry, Cherie.
Tuj -
3. Donate organs before you're dead, Fred.
Two sides to every story Rosie -
3. Take all possible steps to avoid a carcinoma, Homer.
And yet a third. Darren -
5. When you're eating liver and bacon, keep the bacon but throw away what remains, Brains.
Dujon -
7. Behave like George Best, Celeste.
Rosie -
8. Put away a skinful of Theakston's Old Peculier, Julia.
Falstaff - Share a needle wih a
junkie, Monkey.
Rosie -
10. Drink yourself under the table, Mabel.
Falstaff - [When mom ain't lookin'] sneak it under the table to
Ol' Rover, Grover.
no. 11. - The last one was [it was]!
Inkspot -
12. Drink a flagon of scumpy with every meal, Neil.
Gusset Login -
13. Promise a loan shark a pound of your mortal flesh, Ramesh.
Rosie -
14. Don't keep loads of booze in the house, Klaus.
Darren -
15. If you're the city the Beatles came from, change your name to "pool," Zool.
Kim -
16. A bottle of whiskey a day, Ray.
Tuj -
17. Drink a bottle of whisky a day, Jay.
Far more potent! all -
18 Juggle with a chainsaw, Tor.
Lib -
19 Drink dodgy foreign water, daughter.
Falstaff -
20. Impale thyself on a meat hook,
ye crook.
Falstaff -
21. Take a midnight stroll with
Jack The Ripper, Gipper.
Falstaff -
22. Sign your
organ donor card, M'Lord.
[i'm finished now!]
Rosie -
23. Try to avoid hepatitis, Titus.
Tuj -
25. Sell it on Ebay, Jay.
widey 26 - Take to many headache pills, Will's
widey 27 - Have a meal with Hannibal Lecter, Hector!
??? -
28 - Turn your back on Jeffrey Dahmer, Homer.
??? -
29 - Catch the Whooping Cough, Dolph!
??? -
30 - Ship it to the wrong address, Bess!
Falstaff -
32. - Kiss someone with
halitosis, Miss Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
all -
33 Feed it to the cat, Matt
plump -
35 Cover it with too much gravy or veg, Reg.
me -
36.If you don't already know, then I ain't telling you, Lou.
widey - Let it fill with pus, Russ
Falstaff -
40 - Attempt the forbidden
[Pole Vaulting Position], #1069 in
The Daredevil's Guide To Kama Sutra, Lutra.
Dujon - Sign up as a donor, Mona.
Dujon - Forty one is a prime number, so that was
42! ??? -
45 - Sell it to the highest bidder, Kidder [OOPS!].
heheheh -
46 - Your ailing Uncle is a boss in the Mob, Bob.
Falstaff -
47 - Taint your ale with a flesh-eating bacillus, Phyllis.
Dujon -
48. Go into labour, neighbour
Which we are, but we're nearly there! Come on, PUSH! Falstaff -
49 - Let your husband perform the cesarian, Marion.
[Won't be long now!] Rosie -
50. Don't inhale the vapours of solvents containing chlorine, Doreen.
Nnnnngh, Dunnit, Aaaaaah!
Gusset Login - I'm in an odd mood today. Let's try
50 Ways to Achieve World Domination plump -
1.Buy it on Ebay. Jay
Tuj -
2. Play Risk, Mr. Fisk.
widey 3. - Change your name to Mac Donald, Ronald!
widey 5. - Set the Microsoft franchise rates, Mr Gates
all -
6Buy yourself a gun, Hon
Rosie -
9. Invade both North and South America, Erica.
Tuj -
10. Pull doors marked push, Bush.
widey - Explode a 40 megaton nuclear bomb, Ron
Rosie -
12. Build lots of Fighting Ships and rule the mighty main, Jane.
Falstaff -
14. - Plight your troth to the Devil, Neville.
Tuj -
15. Just act meek and inherit... Jared?
Falstaff -
16. - Transmogrify theeself into a doomsday virus, Iris.
Falstaff -
17. - Recruit vast armies from the planets Earth and Jupiter, and conquer the whole d#mn galaxy, Alexi.
penelope -
19. Subjugate all men, starting with Sven, hen
Inkspot -
21. Give Tony Blair a cow, Pat.
??? -
22. - You'll be needing a time machine, Gene.
Ford - 23. - Kill people 'til you're the only one left, Seth
lookaround - - 24. Engage the help of a yeti, Betty (sorry to come in from nowhere; found the site randomly and it looked cool ^_^)
Falstaff -
25. - T'is simple in theory really, but first you must become a fire ant, Grant.
Tuj -
26. Just watch and wait, Tate.
penelope -
27. Do it in a hurry, Murray.
Falstaff -
28. - Become the Grand Mogul of all cockroaches, Sanchez.
plump -
29. Own the world wide web, Deb
Prof Plum -
30. Consult those barely legible scribbled notes we stole from Margaret Thatcher's handbag when we met her, Henrietta.
Phahad - 31 - Put your mind control drugs in all tubs of Sainsbury’s strawberry yoghurt, Robert [and the rhubarb ones too Lu]
Dujon -
32. First take the Moon, June.
Will -
33. Stay up all night, Dwight.
Uncle Korky -
35. Learn from the mistakes of Napoleon's winter campaign, Jane.
Will -
36. Start with a hill, Phil.
widey 37 - Buy a very big battle tank, Hank
Falstaff -
39. - Withdraw from
reality and create a subserviant world of your own, Stone.
Tuj -
40. Just have enough money, Bunny.
Falstaff -
41. - Declare yourself Genghis, Khan.
Will -
42. - Make a new plan, Stan!
Wol -
43. Annex the Sahara, Tamara.
Rosie -
44. Rule the Gobi, Toby.
Thanks for the idea, Wol:-) Snodgrass -
45 - Tour the Kalahari, Charlie (on a roll now)
plump -
46. Pick up the world and carry it, Harriet
gil -
48 Make the world sick, Nick.
Rosie -
49. Pretend you're George W. Bush, mush.
Not absolutely strictly following the rules. Dujon -
50 Just go buy a globe, Job.
Uncle Korky - How about...
50 Ways to win an Olympic Gold Medal?
1. Do a good javelin throw, Jo.
Will -
3. Shoot and ski, Lee.
Tuj -
4. Place a quiet backhander, Amanda.
Well, it all seemed too idealistic and it really couldn't last! CdM -
6. Take a banned substance, Lance
widey 8. - Run fast in the mile,Kyle. (bugger metric!!)
ImNotJohn -
9. Show them how to hurdle, Flerdle
LotUS -
10. Fly high on that pole vault, Walt.
Uncle Korky -
12. - Show the judges your best high dive, Clive.
Gusset Login -
13. Arrange to get your rival's kneecaps broken by a masked man, Stan
Tuj -
14. Go faster, higher, stronger, Mr. Olonga.
Falstaff -
15. Be the high bidder on ebay, Jay.
Tuj -
15. Enter a
very expensive tombola, ROmola.
Inkspot -
17. Campaign for apathy to be a new Olympic sport, Cort.
Tuj -
18. Run like the wind, Min.
Rosie -
19. Enhance the muscularity of your gluteus, Maximus.
widey - Beat the rest, Celest
Falstaff -
21. Complete your patented
combination triple lutz double loop followed closely by
two triple axels and one flawless
quadruple salchow, Ming Lao.
Rosie -
23. Get running, Spike.
ImNotJohn -
24. Get training for that marathon, Jonathan
Inkspot -
26. Get an aerodynamic lunchbox, Mocks.
Falstaff -
29 - Excel at your thang, Yang.
Inkspot -
30. Do the beach volley ball in string vest, Celeste.
plump -
31. Put the shot,Dot
CdM -
33. Avoid the Jamaican bobsled, Ted
Rosie -
34. Keep on taking the nandrolone, Joan.
Inkspot -
35. Be steady on the balance beam, Coleen.
Darren -
37. Run a kilometer, Peter.
Dujon -
38. Or a kilometre, Peta.
Sorry, Darren, couldn't resist the temptation Dujon -
39.Simply keep to the rules, Jules.
Will -
41. Get your horse to play polo in water, Cotter.
Way -
42. Favour the steroid, Floyd.
Snodgrass -
Be first off the block, Jock Well done Scotland 1st win in 5 outings. Yawn
Falstaff -
44. - Be the best in your class, Cass.
??? -
45 - Be in a class of your own, Joan.
??? -
46 - Try and try again, Sphen. and one day you will be in a class o' your own.
Me Again -
47. - Praychance you have the good fortune of competing for a little country with a lot to offer, Chauffer.
[provided the treaty isn't signed before the olympic competition] Inkspot -
48. Box above your weight, Nate
49 - Wear your lucky pants, Lance
50 - Be first round the bouy, Troy
Olympic Torch - But most of all remember to catch the 9.05 from
Mornington Crescent, Peasant!
Audience -
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Olympic Torch*
This is the end of the line. There is no more.
