blamelewis -
(After checking the datestamp on that last move)
You get the previous incumbent instead... (I made a typo in that as "pervious" originally. It's rather apt as I think about it.)
I wish I could fall asleep at a regular hour.
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You get bitten by a vampire, and henceforth sleep throughout the hours of daylight.
I wish I could read the whole of Project Gutenberg.
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You can, but it's a pretty dull autobiography after the bits about Police Academy
I wish I could work on Doctor Who
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You wake up a nurse in an old folks' home, wiping Colin Baker's bottom while he babbles about Spielsnapes.
I wish Winter were over and there were more daylight
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The sun goes nova.
I want to invent warp drive and go to the stars, explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilisations, and boldly go where no man has gone before.
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You find yourself spouting implausible technobabble on an unconvincing set, your toupee visibly slipping.
I want a cuddle.
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A boa constrictor slithers up and lovingly wraps himself round you.
I wish to be able to read Chinese characters
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[Rosie] Granted. You find that all of your books are now in Chinese, but you can't read English any longer.
I wish I could control whenever my dog barks.
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Granted. However, your sofa begins to bark.
I wish it was next Friday already.
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It already is, for this is last Friday's next Friday.
If only we could have a proper pagan Yule instead of this new-fangled Christmassy stuff.
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Here's a goathide, a gallon of woad, some rotting antlers and a dose of bubonic plague. Enjoy the trip!
I wish for uninterrupted sleep every night
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I am locking you into a windowless room with walls that admit not a single noise from outside. An amount of food and water will be poured in during daylight hours only.
I want to eat biscuits without gaining weight.
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Granted. All biscuits contain a mild, fast-acting laxative.
I'd like my upstairs neighbours to stop their kids from running around at all hours of the night.
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Granted. As from 1am tomorrow, the children will begin using rollerskates instead.
I want to be able to afford a house with a nice view of the sea.
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You spend the best part of a million pounds for the short-lived pleasure of watching a large object tumble helplessly and hopelessly into the sea due to coastal erosion.
I wish I had the mentality of a cat.
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You're retired. You eat when you want, sleep lots, complain for little reason and change your mind frequently. Everything has to be just as it was yesterday, or you get cranky. That cough also sounds like you've got hairballs. What do you mean, you wish?
I would like to paint like Constable.
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That feature wall in your house that you covered with green emulsion? That's exactly how Constable would have done it too if he'd lived there and chosen that colour.
I would like all my problems solved and never to be worried again.
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BANG!
I wish for coffee that tastes as good as it smells.
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I've got a jar here of instant decaff that's gone mouldy.
I wish it was always Spring or Summer.
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Welcome, sir, to Centre Parc's dome-life experiment! Our motto is "You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave."
I wish I could retire without a care in the world.
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Here's a lifetime subscription to the Seniors Book Club, featuring such titles as "Teach Yourself Braille", "Which Hearing Aid", and "Easy Sudoku". And there's a bonus: a reduced price on the services of Dignitas!
If only doing a thing was as easy as thinking about doing it.
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You just killed your mother-in-law and your wife just killed you. Neither of you rose from your armchairs.
I wish I had a TARDIS.
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Join the Conservative Party. Be
very careful not to press the Forward button or your fate will be that of the crew of the Mary Celeste.
I wish water had a lower freezing- point.
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OK, water now only freezes at 10m below sea level.
I wish I was a glow worm.
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*amputates your limbs and pops a lightbulb between your cheeks* Sorry, you didn't specify a budget.
I want to stop.
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Here's a brick wall. Go back 50 yards then run like hell at it.
I want to write Beethoven's 10th Symphony
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[projoy] You find yourself hunched over your desk and constantly changing notes on a staff, constantly changing with your mood.
I wish I could enjoy eating chili for every meal.
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Try this recipe for Hungarian goulash with extra chili, wherein the flavour and heat are disguised by liberal amounts of dettol, dog biscuits and kerosene.
I wish all my joints would become non-arthritic
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Add a little water and you'll find that your spliffs bend easily.
I wish I'd remembered what my English teacher told me in 1988
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You still have many regrets, but now you can punctuate them properly.
I wish I had a large townhouse and a cook.
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You own a large townhouse where your cook lives and enjoys a wonderful life while you are forced to live in the forest by a ferocious bear that nobody wants to deal with.
I wish I had students for my online theatre classes.
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You own a large townhouse where your cook lives and enjoys a wonderful life while you are forced to live in the forest by a ferocious bear that nobody wants to deal with.
I wish I had students for my online theatre classes.
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BOOM! It's 2020. There's a global pandemic. You're teaching undergrads theatre on Zoom. They won't turn their cameras on. They're paying the same fees as before and they hold you personally responsible for their dissatisfaction. You have a panic attack between each class. Have fun.
(View the source to read the hidden text)
I wish my students had more empathy.
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Your students now deeply, fully, and absolutely understand your gnawing sense that you have accomplished nothing of substance and never will, your growing realisation of your own mortality combined with your deep fear of death, your perpetual anxiety about your declining sexual function, your inchoate regrets about all your failed relationships—and the pitiful self-loathing that, like your tinnitus, travels with you at every moment and ensures that, despite all the above, you still suffer from imposter phenomenon.
They now despise you even more than they used to.
I wish I were dining at a Michelin three-star restaurant and drinking a superb bottle of vintage Burgundy.
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You are welcomed by a maître d'. Though he says nothing explicitly he nevertheless, through grit of teeth, roll of eye and glance of sarcasm, demonstrates his deep, full and absolute understanding of your gnawing sense that you have accomplished nothing of substance and never will, your growing realisation of your own mortality combined with your deep fear of death, your perpetual anxiety about your declining sexual function, your inchoate regrets about all your failed relationships—and the pitiful self-loathing that, like your tinnitus, travels with you at every moment and ensures that, despite all the above, you still suffer from imposter phenomenon.
Though he serves you professionally, expertly and diligently, he despises you. The food and wine are like ash in your mouth. Bon appétit.
I wish my commute were half an hour quicker.
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After four days of driving it at 80 mph you have accumulated enough penalty points to disqualify you from ever driving again.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
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Here they are in a nice presentation box. Care for them henceforth on a mantlepiece of your choosing
I wish I could pause time
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Done. Restarting it is another matter.
I wish for world peace.
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The only way world peace can be achieved is if the entire population of the earth is drugged up to the eyebrows with diazepam or similar. Some countries could make it by the ton but some simply don't have the facilities or expertise. The resulting distribution problems would lead rather rapidly to the Diazepam Wars, in direct contradiction to the desired aim.
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I wish the earth rotated more slowly.