And so it begins...
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Everything'll be OK in the end - or will it?
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It is.
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A pointless rambling penned by a dedicated clock watcher.
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Trying to return an item of jewellery has never been so hard.
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It wasn't like that.
Raak -
Murder on the Orient Express
They all did it.
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They're all small and ... actually ... quite annoying
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Adultery lands you in hell, but hey, it's a whole lot of fun.
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Everything, everywhere, is awful, except for me.
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Arr, Jim lad, it be Talk Like a Pirate Day every day, so it be.
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Dorothy didn't dream it!
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Life before Eurotunnel
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Life's a depressing treadmill
Robin -
The War of the Worlds
A salutary lesson for all Martians on the perils of failing to get the correct inoculations before travelling abroad.
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It's about an otter called Tarka.
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Absolutely nothing to do with dentistry.
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Boys will be boys!
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Dublin - the Ramblers' Guide.
Raak -
The Lesbian S&M Safety Manual
Not just for lesbians.
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Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
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Nobody mention Monty Python, please.
Raak -
The Oxford English Dictionary
Words, words, words.
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"Har, pagh Hegh!" ("Believe, or die!")
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Being poor and hungry in Ireland is depressing, who'd have guessed?
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Unpronounceable people do unbelievable things.
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Beginning, middle, end mostly nasty.
Raak -
The Perfection of Wisdom in 100,000 Lines
Nothing is real.
Kim -
The Importance of Being Earnest
Victorian sexual double-standards held up to ridicule.
Raak -
The Chronicles of Narnia
It's all in Plato.
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Just the bear necessities.
Raak -
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea
It would never catch on as a package holiday.
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Miserable.
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Ahab versus the Prince of Whales
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Its all in the title.
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Boy meets girl who has already met him.
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Thank God it's Friday.
Dujon -
The Wind in the Willows
No flatulence remedies to be found within.
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Servant gets in the sack before getting the sack.
Raak -
Wisden's Cricketers' Almanack
For the boring man in your life.
irach -
Tale of Two Cities
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
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Lucky bastard starts war.
Phil -
The Horse Whisperer
Bumpkin solves townies' horse (and other) problems.
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Nitpicker's of the World Unite!
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Love among the slag heaps.
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I'm the only infallible one, says Dawkins.
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Everyone in the whole world dies, except for the unfortunate reader.
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Leperous.
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If you liked the Belgariad, this is exactly the same.
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It's not a game.
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comme ce, comme sa
speed -
the satanic verse
plane crashes are harsh
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here, there and everywhere.
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it will turn out ok as long as you want more
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aliens come in baggies
speed -
waiting for godot
he's not coming is he?
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[speed] OK - but it doesn't beat the genuine description - 'A play in which nothing happens - twice.'
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Who's asking?
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Carnival folk. Distrust them.
Sierra Mike -
The Silver Locusts/The Martian Chronicles
The case for vaccination.
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The North Atlantic Ocean in winter is cold and wet.
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If you ride around in a U-Boat during WWII, the RAF will shoot at you.
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I felt the Earth move.
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If you're going to travel abroad, get your shots.
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In space, no-one can hear you cream.
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No-one gets on with the neighbours in Iceland.
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Heroine leaves her abusive lover who hits her with a riding crop a lot for the arms of a saviour, who pokes her in the bottom with a red-hot branding iron, then hits her with a riding crop a lot.
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That last one could do with cropping.
nfras -
The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Not Caesar's salad days.
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Orgone slick with feverjuice in wildcut edit backfold.
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A Humane Zoo.
Dujon -
There's a time to live and a time to die
Well, there is - and it's now.
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Baffling at times with no sense of progress.
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The Hound of the Baskervilles
Dog bites man
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Chesil Beach
It'll be alright on the night.
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Young Neanderthal living in dump tries living in middle-class residential house but concludes that dump is preferable.
Raak -
The Little Book of Mornington Crescent
There is in it what is in it; 'tis a mirror held up to the reader, whereby if a donkey look in, surely a sage will not look out; the ends of all things are revealed within its pages to he who has the key; it keepeth away the pox, the flux, and the weeping sore.
- Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Raak*
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Guy goes through a midlife crisis and tells a very boring story that makes you fall asleep.
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Man meets girl during a murder and discovers thst she is secretly a decendant of Jesus.
This is the end of the line. There is no more.