The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
And so it begins....
Expose more
-
Expose all
goldfinch
-
And that third slice of passionfruit pav.
blamelewis
-
My gastrointestinal woes
Rosie
-
Have not yet affected my nose
goldfinch
-
At my doctor’s suggestion
Projoy
-
I've hastened digestion
Radox The Green
-
In it comes, through it goes - "There she blows!"
Projoy
-
In the forest, the forest, the dark
Rosie
-
Where nothing stirs. But hark!
Chalky
-
The Jabberwock waiting
Raak
-
In hope of a mating
goldfinch
-
Then the forest, the forest, the dark.
blamelewis
-
It is often the case that my aunt
Bismarck
-
Will pause to insist that I can't
Projoy
-
—
I interrupt: "Can!"
blamelewis
-
And bring in my gran
goldfinch
-
“—no, you
can’t
play with Gran’s ear implant.”
Projoy
-
It is often the case that my dad
Raak
-
Pours scorn on the latest "yoof" fad
Stevie
-
But I found his Zoot Suit
Rosie
-
And stale cheroot loot
blamelewis
-
He claims they'll be "back" in a tad.
Stevie
-
Seems Dad was a "Ted" in his day
Projoy
-
Pints of Brylcreem to make his hair stay
Rosie
-
And those winkle-pickers
blamelewis
-
elicit some snickers
Chalky
-
But the drainpipes blew all away
blamelewis
-
It is often the case that my Mum
Chalky
-
Took umbrage when I sucked my thumb
Rosie
-
Poor Umbridge, nice place
Projoy
-
(but thumb stayed in face)
goldfinch
-
But my dad didn’t mind, not a crumb.
It is often the case that my Dad
Projoy
-
Talks of lives he might somehow have had
penelope
-
Had he taken the chance
Software
-
And moved over to France
Rosie
-
He would have been labelled a cad.
Projoy
-
It is never the case that my son
goldfinch
-
Stops his laces from coming undone
Software
-
Despite double bow
blamelewis
-
And a lot of vel
cro.
Raak
-
He always trips up on a run.
Projoy
-
It is sometimes the case that my daughter
goldfinch
-
Does not always do what she oughta
Software
-
She stays out at night
Raak
-
And she looks such a sight
Rosie
-
But satisfies the riff-raff who court her.
Projoy
-
Line up on this board by the pool
goldfinch
-
In height order, you know the rule
Superman
-
On my count of three
Software
-
All bend at the knee
Rosie
-
And shed a world-ranking stool
KagomeShuko
-
When at the North Pole you'll see
Projoy
-
Santa Claus on an Amazon spree
Stevie
-
With one-click aplomb
Raak
-
You can send him a bomb
Bismarck
-
Which he'll give to kids who are naughty.
Projoy
-
In April I open my bill
penelope
-
In the hope of a gobful of krill
Rosie
-
Instead, there was sewage
CdM
-
And what's more (the worst bit)
muttleee
-
It's making me feel rather ill
Bismarck
-
As we come to the end of the year
Projoy
-
Let's let fly with this impotent jeer:
Superman
-
I'll cut off your balls
Raak
-
Which I'll nail to the walls
Bismarck
-
Instead of holly and ivy, you hear?
blamelewis
-
Such seasonal violence aside
Raak
-
Let peace rule on this Christmastide
muttleee
-
Let's all just chill out
Projoy
-
You'd better not shout.
goldfinch
-
Pull a cracker – BANG – oops, the peace died.
Y tanllinellwr
-
Projoy
-
Cold turkey is no kind of fun
goldfinch
-
And a sign that the roast's underdone
KagomeShuko
-
Fruitcake's no good
Rosie
-
So gimme Christmas Pud
Stevie
-
While I wait for the year's course to run
goldfinch
-
The secret for succulent meat
Chalky
-
Lies down at the end of our street
Rosie
-
Those burgers are yummy
Raak
-
For they're flame-grilled with honey
Projoy
-
So no need to go on to sweet
Tuj
-
My cat had a wonderful Yule
Stevie
-
E'en though he behaved like a tool
Chalky
-
He chainsawed the tree
Simons Mith
-
And ate the budgie
goldfinch
-
So I’m rehoming him in Kabul
Projoy
-
It will now take some weeks for my belly
Chalky
-
To shift from in front of the telly
Rosie
-
My brain, too, is f****d
rhyme it as you wish
goldfinch
-
But there's two Roses left!
Projoy
-
Shall I have 'em? Why, yes! On your nelly!
Projoy
-
It is grim and I want for some sun
Stevie
-
But the rain and the fog aren't quite done
Raak
-
And tonight, snow and ice
Radox The Green
-
Will be playing at dice
Juxtapose
-
With hailstones (for even more fun!)
Projoy
-
This was fun, but I have to be going
Raak
-
Next morning for Cambridge I’m rowing
goldfinch
-
The cox says my stroke
Rosie
-
Needs that much more poke
blamelewis
-
And I must ditch the hamper I'm towing
CdM
-
The whales off of east New South Wales
Projoy
-
Are relaxed about storms, floods and gales
Rosie
-
Well, some like it rough
Stevie
-
(Orcas surf in the buff)
goldfinch
-
But enough off-the-cuff whale details.
Tuj
-
Have you recently fallen in love?
Rosie
-
I wouldn't quite call it that, bruv
Projoy
-
Then have you been dating?
penelope
-
I'm equivocating
Stevie
-
Such pedestrian stuff, I'm above
Pablo
-
As the weather grows colder and colder
Raak
-
The White Walkers roam south ever bolder
Radox The Green
-
No wall is too high
Stevie
-
The zombies draw nigh!
Projoy
-
Someone stop them! We need a door-holder!
goldfinch
-
Here's the carrot and there is the stick
Simons Mith
-
So which are you going to pick?
Software
-
The choice is so hard
Pablo
-
Like picking a card
Projoy
-
Incentives should best do the trick.
Projoy
-
The cave where the blue monkeys dwell
Software
-
Has a very particular smell
goldfinch
-
Of typewriter ribbon
Raak
-
And erudite gibbon
Rosie
-
So pongy, and funky as well.
Projoy
-
O, to follow a winding canal
penelope
-
To somewhere more calm (not banal)
Margo Leadbetter vowels invoked
goldfinch
-
With Prunella Scales
Rosie
-
Whom Basil fails
Chalky
-
With fawlty unsafe rationale
Projoy
-
Sail a boat, bonny girl; be at peace.
Rosie
-
You'll find all your problems will cease
(Chalky) Classy, that
Chalky
-
Your peace is assured
(Rosie) too kind, dear chap
goldfinch
-
For the time you’re unmoored
Raak
-
If you keep all your rollocks well-greased.
Bismarck
-
When one tunes in to Radio 1
Projoy
-
One will wish that one hadn't've done.
Software
-
For it's radio crap
Chalky
-
(moans the grumpy old chap)
muttleee
-
It's
like
tuning
in
to The Sun
Would rather not have used 'tune in' again but couldn't think of anything else that scanned.
Bismarck
-
While listening to Radio Two
Projoy
-
- Which is what one would rather not do -
Software
-
I was bored out my mind
Raak
-
Then thought "search and you'll find"
Chalky
-
'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue'
goldfinch
-
Go to bed in a bitter bad mood
Projoy
-
And then breakfast on mountains of food
Chalky
-
Then maybe you'll find
Rosie
-
Your bogrolls unwind
Projoy
-
To keep pace with the quantities pooed
Chalky
-
The rate of inflation's insane
Projoy
-
By the time I wrote
this
line, the gain
Software
-
Is forty percent
goldfinch
-
So I live in a tent
Rosie
-
As for cash, I have naught but disdain.
Projoy
-
When one listens to Radio Three
goldfinch
-
(Which is not at all smug or snob
by
)
Raak
-
One's erudite taste
penelope
-
Does not go to waste
Pablo
-
With Darjeeling as one's choice of tea
Bismarck
-
Now Radio Four's for the few
Rosie
-
Such as those who Haven't A Clew
Projoy
-
And those who like Ambridge
Chalky
-
Or speak the welsh language
goldfinch
-
Tuned in from Lundy in a canoe.
Rosie
- (Chalky)
Ofnadwy! Ti'n medddw neu rhywbeth?
Software
-
Radio Caroline for me is the best
Projoy
-
For those who are pop tune obsessed
Rosie
-
But if you like jazz
penelope
-
Scuttle Radio Caz
goldfinch
-
And give Tony Blackburn a rest.
Projoy
-
There's four thousand holes in the hall
Bismarck
-
Through which the kobolds will crawl
Raak
-
Even Superman quails
Software
-
His power fails
Rosie
-
So holes blocked, therefore, sod all.
goldfinch
-
There’s nine million bikes in Beijing
Software
-
Each with a bell that goes
ping
Projoy
-
They fly through the dawn
Raak
-
And park on the lawn
Bismarck
-
Against the law of Comrade Xi Jiping
Projoy
-
When the clock strikes out four steady chimes
Raak
-
It's the signal to set loose the mimes
goldfinch
-
Whose blitheness of spirit
Rosie
-
Is of great mirit
NZ pronunciation invoked
Software
-
And moves along with the times
Projoy
-
There isn't a reason I know
goldfinch
-
Why the cat should be starting to glow
Software
-
Perhaps it's on heat
Rosie
-
And hoping to meet
Radox The Green
-
A cool cat to lay on a show.
Projoy
-
I'm feeling some strange feelings, man
goldfinch
-
And I’m not sure it’s part of the plan
Chalky
-
I seem to be joined
goldfinch
-
(While my reason’s purloined)
Bismarck
-
By James Bond in a VW van.
Chalky
-
I've just taken leave of my senses
Projoy
-
And I've start to relinquish my tenses
Raak
-
My ego is stilled
Rosie
-
Libido killed
Stevie
-
Ennui's destroyed my mental fences.
Projoy
-
A spell at the track, watching dogs
goldfinch
-
In pursuit of fake hare each dog jogs
Rosie
-
But a jog supersonic
Pablo
-
(and that's NOT a mneumonic!)
Radox The Green
-
Cannot be achieved wearing clogs.
Projoy
-
It grows in each corner, like mould
Stevie
-
When the air becomes stale, damp and cold
Chalky
-
But if rats intervene
goldfinch
-
Just apply margarine
Rosie
-
A rodenticide, so I am told.
KagomeShuko
-
If it's butter you seemingly lack,
CdM
-
Then make use of this genius hack:
Raak
-
Find a dandelion field
goldfinch
-
And ‘neath your chin wield
Chalky
-
A small knob of Danish Lurpak
CdM
-
All the poems that ever were written
Projoy
-
Can't compare to the new of a kitten
Projoy
-
*mew
Stevie
- BIFURCATION!
But "new what?" you may ask | That soprano cry
Tuj
-
Well! Let onlookers bask | Could bring tears to the eye
Chalky
-
And they'll note that I've just been bitten/And a language that's yet to be written
CdM
- Hmmm... Let's see if this one goes any better. :)
The most desperate words ever spoken
Projoy
-
I exclaimed as I woke in Hoboken:
Raak
-
"Send Marmite! And cheese!"
Stevie
-
"And some toasted bread, please"
Simons Mith
-
And a 50p gas meter token!
Stevie
- [CdM]
Another flub. 50P? In Hoboken? Woe, lackaday etc 8o)
CdM
-
All the dreams of my youth are long faded
Raak
-
All my sensuous tastes are long jaded
Radox The Green
-
I shall lie in my bed
Chalky
-
And watch TV instead
Projoy
-
Then wink out, just the way the display did
Now the arc of my plan's more a spike
Software
-
What's that? Speak into the mike
Raak
-
A bang then a whimper
Simons Mith
-
A fart and a simper
CdM
-
(And the heckler can get on his bike)
CdM
- [R,R,C,P] Now
that
was a limerick!
Rosie
- (CdM) Agreed. Top-drawer.
Projoy
-
Can the real Mister Shady stand up?
Software
-
So that we can present the cup
Pablo
-
And a small piece of paper
blamelewis
-
Freshly dropped by a vaper
Chalky
-
Which proves his real name is Miles Jupp
Rosie
-
I am a Morniverser
Projoy
- May I revise as I think you put a glow worm in the limericks (and vice versa)
I play in the Morniverse games
Raak
-
Wearing gold-plated spectacle frames
Chalky
-
But have noticed of late
Projoy
-
That they're losing their plate
KagomeShuko
-
So I guess it's time for new frames.
Projoy
-
Be young and be foolish, he said.
Rosie
-
So do it now, before you are dead
(Pj) Yeah, funny stuff, alcohol. A small molecule that goes round the brain pulling out a few plugs.
muttleee
-
Because once you're deceased
goldfinch
-
Turns out everything's leased
Projoy
-
Sink your gold in a cask lined with lead.
CdM
-
O! Were it not for my vanity
Raak
-
I'd eschew this vexatious insanity
goldfinch
-
I’d cast off my qualms
Projoy
-
Call out saws; sing out psalms
Software
-
I'd live in total inanity
goldfinch
-
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth
[
1
]
Software
-
'cos for now they just need a wreath
Projoy
-
All the toffees I chewed
penelope
-
And the plaque I accrued
muttleee
-
Means they're not even fit to bequeath
To some lucky relative, obvs. :-)
CdM
-
On the day that the music ceased living
Radox The Green
-
I remember that I was then giving
Projoy
-
Out newspapers, news
goldfinch
-
Of the dry levee blues
Chalky
-
And such heartbreak went deep like a shivving
Software
-
While rooting around in my shed
Rosie
-
Up with which I soon got fed
CdM
-
Then off with which pissed
(View the source to read the hidden text)
Projoy
-
I was - you - grabbed my wrist
(pass the parse-l)
Chalky
-
Which down balloon went like a lead
Projoy
-
The legs that I grow in my garden
Chalky
-
Need concrete and sun for to harden
Rosie
-
And when they are done
CdM
-
With concrete and sun
Rosie
-
I'll be stuck; can't move; beg pardon.
Projoy
-
I'm refined: I drink sherry and port.
Simons Mith
-
A mixture my grandmother taught
Tuj
-
Though she'd also opine
Raak
-
That strawberry wine
Rosie
-
Was poison, and lands you in court.
Projoy
-
Be awatch, for the tigers may come
Software
-
Sneak up and bite on your bum
Simons Mith
-
If they come from the side
goldfinch
-
You’ll be swiftly de-thighed
Chalky
-
Leaving one buttock startlingly numb
CdM
-
The most perfect example of karma
Chalky
-
Occurs if one unmasks a llama
Simons Mith
-
When their cover is blown
Raak
-
They despairingly moan
Software
-
They love to make it a drama
Simons Mith
-
Alpacas are much more relaxed
Rosie
-
E'en when their patience is taxed
Projoy
- Can I suggest a tweak?:
Though their patience must sorely be taxed
By the wool in their eyes
CdM
-
And so it's no surprise
muttleee
-
That they're calmest when recently waxed
Pablo
-
So may we now welcome the spring?
Raak
-
Or is it but premature bling?
CdM
-
Should we really focus
Bismarck
-
On tulips and crocus
Projoy
-
Late April, O where wert thy schwing?
CdM
-
Although last month was awfully cruel
CdM
- Often I come back and re-read these lines, and find the scansion/stress in my head is less clear on the page. :(
Although
last
month was awfully cruel
Software
-
So cold it used up my fuel
Raak
-
("...
all
my fuel"?)
The forecast's Set Fair
Projoy
-
For somewhen; for somewhere
Chalky
-
So will now head south-east to Kitzbühel
Bismarck
-
Take one pound of self-raising flour
Projoy
-
And some free range eggs into the shower.
Chalky
-
Add dandruff shampoo
goldfinch
-
And a bath bomb or two
CdM
-
Then bake Gas Mark 4 for an hour
Projoy
-
I unwisely deployed a molossus
Rosie
-
A poetical speed-bump to boss us
(Pj) That was
difficult
Bismarck
-
The confounded thing
Chalky
-
Took an almighty swing
Projoy
-
And impacted my smarting probscis
When it's Friday you don't seem to know it
Chalky
-
Then you're told it's the Day Of The Poet
Rosie
-
But most say "Thank God"
Software
-
This verse is not cod
Invoking polari
Raak
-
But the lim'rick's a cramped space to show it.
Projoy
-
The bin round has started and, phew,
Chalky
-
Now diesel fuel's refused - who knew?
Why not take a stand?
Moniker
Stance
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