This is Animal Vegetable Mineral Abstract.
Pigs are actually hatched from eggs. Farmers keep this secret because they have nothing better to do with their time than that sort of thing.
And so it begins...
- Tuj - One seldom hears mention of Oswald Spengler.
- ImNotJohn - Oswald Spengler was actually hatched from an egg himself - in a pigsty.
- Inkspot - Friday is the best day of the week for balancing pigs.
- Uncle Korky - Oswald Spengler told me that himself.
- Chalky - I'm thrilled to note the return of Oswald Effing Spengler.
- Projoy - While others take the train to work each morning, I take a spatula.
- Projoy - A spatula is a very large, hairy eight-legged creature, often with poisonous fangs.
- Projoy - All items which appear to be pink are actually blue, and vice versa.
- Projoy - If you stay bedridden for too long, you will start to grow tap roots.
- Phil - I disagree with Chalky on the Spengler subject.
- Software - By the way, did you know that Oswald Spengler was a notorious pig rustler?
- Uncle Korky - I have it on good authority that he was (and, indeed, still is) a notorious spatula rustler.
- Raak - The deadly spatulate rustlesnake is the most frequent cause of death in collectors of orange crates.
- Projoy - I can fit a filing cabinet into my mouth.
- Chalky - That's nothing - I've been known to accommodate Great Gable and Skiddaw in one single mouthful.
- Tuj - I think we'll be hearing a lot more about O. Spengler in this game.
PS Chalky, Phil, any others - I have no regrets. - Inkspot - I'll be off to buy my balancing pigs later.
- Software - Petrol is a convenient substitute for sun screen.
- Irouléguy - The best way to apply petrol to your body is with a spatula.
- Projoy - Just by looking deeply into a person's eyes, I can tell who their hairdresser's mother is.
- CdM - My mother was Projoy's hairdresser.
- Botherer - My hairdresser is Oswald Spengler's spatula wrangler.
- Tuj - My hairdresser was Projoy's mother's spatula.
- Phil - Projoy's dress was my mother's hair.
- Inkspot - A seance is best held with a tin of baked beans on the mantlepiece.
- Tuj - Smearing lentils on your face is a sure-fire cure for not being very good at ice-hockey.
- Raak - "Quaoar" is an Etruscan word for "foreigner", and literally means "outsider who cannot speak our language, but just goes kwa-war-war". It is an ancestor of the ancient Greek "barbaros".
- Projoy - I have my mother's neck.
- Software - I expect that she will want it back when you have finished with it.
- Uncle Korky - No, I'm using it next.
- Robin - I tried using it, but I found it easier to use a spatula.
- Projoy - The first thirty-six episodes of the short-lived BBC soap El Dorado were each based on one of Shakespeare's plays.
- Chalky - Gentleman's relish makes an excellent lubricator.
- Inkspot - In 2010 NASA are due to return to the moon to retrieve the pork pie left behind by Neil Armstrong.
- Software - {Chalks] Must you air your bedroom antics in public?
- Projoy - One has to be trained in order to lubricate. I personally have the Advanced Certificate in Lubrication and Hot Wash Protocol from the University of the Grey Bits on the Coast, and am thus a fully Chartered Lubricator.
- Projoy - Next year I shall be studying for the Extraordinary Diploma Up the Pants in Lubricious Cosmetic Studies with Lebanese Millinery. This will make me a Fellow of the Royal Dressage Association.
- Robin - Oswald Spengler was a fully trained lubricator, but fortunately one seldom hears mention of him.
- Chalky - If you trifle with the Trocadero, you will find yourself banned from any sort of Lubricatory Qualification and that's a fact.
- Projoy - The recipe for trifle is explicitly forbidden in Leviticus Ch. 40.
- Chalky - ... *ahem*... verse 5, I believe, although verse 8 contradicts it somewhat ...
- ImNotJohn - Amir Trifle was the Lebanese Dressage champion in 1976.
- Inkspot - The favoured ride of dressage champions is the vietnamese pot belly pig.
- Phil - Vietnam has long been the world's greatest exporter of shamrock.
- Uncle Korky - Status Quo are explicitly forbidden in Leviticus Ch. 41.
- Irouléguy - Genesis are explicitly banned from Status Quo gigs.
- Software - The status quo has been completely changed.
- Chalky - The Criterion has recently become licensed for weddings, christenings and bar mitzvahs.
- Inkspot - A recent accident involving the knocking over of a font had led to a police crackdown of unlicenced christenings.
- ImNotJohn - 'Police crackdown' is street slang for a particularly virulent form of cold turkey.
- Phil - This game is really picking up speed.
- Projoy - Every morning I boil up some frogspawn for breakfast.
- Botherer - Frogspawn on toadstools is a rather disgusting thought.
- Robin - I find if you add some boiled frogspawn to your cold turkey, it makes it particularly virulent.
- Raak - "Virulent" means "green and spicy".
- Botherer - The spiciest green thing in the world is cabbage.
- Inkspot - Chips and curried cabbage is a Cornish culinary feast.
- Botherer - Too much Vitamin C causes the nipples to turn green.
- Robin - Oswald Spengler had green nipples, but fortunately one seldom hears mention of him.
- Projoy - Alan Bennett has just announced a sequel to The History Boys. The new play will be called The Geography Boys, with a rumoured fourteen other curriculum subjects to follow, including The Home Economics Boys, starring Jamie Oliver.
- ImNotJohn - Oswald Spengler will play the teacher in The Pre-post-modernism in Conceptual Art Boys
- Projoy - The reason not many moves have been played in this game lately is that there is a worldwide shortage of raw fib.
- Tuj - Tony Blair's hobbies include taping spare ribs to his face.
- Inkspot - London Sushi restaurants add tripe to the toppings as a binder.
- Tuj - Each Move Must Consist Of Precisely Eight Words
- nights - The best way to drink shots is off the back of a small cat.
- nights - In Soviet Union, shots drink you!
- Botherer - Back in the USSR, you know how lucky a rabbit's foot is.
- Inkspot - George Bush is due to release a Christmas single, it is a cover of Adam and the Ants hit "Stand and Deliver".
- Raak - Bacteria and viruses are so small that they can travel backwards in time. This is why you should wash your hands before you use a toilet as well as after.
- Rosie - Beethoven listened to Radio 3. That's why all classical music sounds the same.
- Inkspot - When being taught the trombone players are initially practice using the swanee whistle.
- Tolken - Some trombones are so large that they can only be seen from orbit.
- Raak - God can occasionally be found moonlighting as a waiter in a small café in Montmartre.
- Projoy - At least one goldfish appears in the background of every Marx Brothers movie, playing either backgammon or Monopoly.
- Projoy - Stew is legal tender in France.
- Tuj - I hate Projoy. His submissions to these games always are horrific.
- Projoy - In her most extravagant period, Imelda Marcos had a dress made of a continual cascade of rice pudding, which was pumped out of her collar from a reservoir she carried between her knees, and fell gracefully downwards, covering her naked body from view. This reservoir had to be continually replenished by manservants throughout the evening, and by the time she left the room, more than two thousand litres of rice pudding had been discharged on to the floor and the head chef had resigned.
- Projoy - Spearmint flavoured polos do not make a profit, but for twenty years now their production has been subsidised by News International. Nobody knows why.
- Projoy - If severed, the human penis is able to live independently of the body for around two months, including the generation of a separate income if absolutely necessary.
- Inkspot - The buying Christmas cards in Cornwall can only take place when purchasing a pasty. Keep a look out for 2 for 1 deals!!
- Raak - The custom of sending Christmas cards and presents is an old pagan ritual that can be traced back to Roman times, when people would send requests written on wax tablets for any money they felt was morally owed them. The threat would be accompanied by a verse of praise asking the appropriate god to favour the request and punish the stony-hearted. with a picture of what might happen were the request refused.
- Raak - [Projoy] "After this, solicitors"?
- Projoy - For Christmas this year I received three green shoes, each of which was mauve.
- StormWraith - Mauve was never a colour before 1952, when sufficient fluoride in the water altered humans' wave-length perception. This is why you never see 'mauve' in third-world countries.
- Inkspot - The record for maintaining New Years resoloutions over the most successive years was made by a man from Bolton in 1939.
- Valentin - [Inkspot] Is that one successive years then?
- Inkspot - [Valentin] A quick search of Google or Wikipedia should will give you some more background including his name and details of his endurance records he held. The one about calenders suprised even me.
- Raak - The word "Google" is a corruption of "Cthulhu".
- Uncle Korky - Cthulu ate my hamster.
- Inkspot - The Austrailian hamster was almost driven to extinction following the introduction of the African rabbit.
- Tuj - Rap music was never intended to be a genuine musical genre. It was created, partly as a joke, partly as an experiment by some geeky Cambridge students in the 60's on the grounds it was ironic - they modelled it deliberately to be music that could never possibly "catch on".
- Kim - I, for one, do not fear Greeks who bring gifts. Why should I?
- Raak - Ostriches cannot get up if they fall over.
- Projoy - The bombadier beetle, famously, can tap dance. Gene Kelly was originally an entomologist at the University of Hot Jazz, Annapolis and modelled his most famous moves on the talented insect.
- Raak - Snakes' bodies are semi-liquid, like silly putty. This is what allows them to engulf prey several times larger than they are, and why in some parts of the tropics, it is advisable to protect oneself against being swallowed in the night, by surrounding one's bed with barbed wire.
- Inkspot - The Space Shuttle carries two spare landing wheels in its cargo bay.
- Raak - Elephants are immune to elephantiasis.
- Uncle Korky - This game isn't running out of steam.
- Projoy - I keep lots of spare steam in a wicker basket by my bed, which is under the balcony at Buckingham Palace.
- Tuj - Buckingham Palace: just an urban legend.
- Raak - The only real urban legend is the story that they're just urban legends. They're all true.
- Projoy - The bogwopple is the tallest plant in South America, reaching a quite remarkable fifty miles in height. Bogwopples that have not been sensibly pruned have been known to bring down geostationary satellites.
- Projoy - (Readers may wonder how this can be, given that the geostationary zone is around 35,786 km above mean sea level. The answer is that spy satellites often can't see detail well enough and scoot in for a better gander.)
- Projoy - The equatorial plane is a daily circle-line style service calling at Gabon, Congo, Lake Victoria, Kenya, Southern Somalia, Sumatra, Borneo, Celebes, Pulao Ternate, Isla Isabela, Ecuador, Southern Colombia and Northern Brazil.
- nights - When they announce on the Underground that 'unattended luggage may be taken away and destroyed without notice', they really mean 'there is a cannibal loose in the station. All LU staff to scarper immediately.'
- I Say, Porter! - "Mind the Gap" is a warning to clothes shoppers.
- Kim - Bono is good.
- I Say, Porter! - [Kim] It is on Chanel 9
- Uncle Korky - Since the 1st of April 1906, I have imploded a total of 97,363 times. I have achieved three implosions this morning already.
- I Say, Porter! - [UK] I've never heard it called that before.
- nights - Silly string is neither string, nor particularly silly.
- I Say, Porter! - The Advertising Standards Agency has decreed that New Labour can no longer claim to be 'New' as it has been around for ten years, and 'Labour' is inappropriate as the party has no interest in the working person. The party will henceforth be known as
. - I Say, Porter! - The human male bellybutton produces a pea-sized ball of fluff once every 24 hours. This forms part of a mating ritual, in that the objective of said fluff is to block the tube of the shower so that the male can demonstrate his masculinity by the volume at which he shouts "you'll be round WHEN?" at the plumber. Research indicates that, in cohabiting males, the time at which fluff is produced converges over a period of months.
- nights - I am fully clothed at the moment.
- Projoy - MENSA has just admitted its first donkey, on the basis of an artistic aptitude test.
- Projoy - Thanks to winning the National Eye-Rolling Championships for the fourth consecutive year since 1973, I have now been declared officially Strange by the Mayor of Bermuda. I feel no pain.
- I Say, Porter! - George W. Bush is human.
- I Say, Porter! - Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer play on here regularly.
- ImNotJohn - I am, in fact, both Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer. I was also Tim Brooke-Taylor until the divorce.
- I Say, Porter! - I am a number, I am not a free man.
- Tuj - [Does this game turn into the truths game on April Fools' Day?]
- I Say, Porter! - [Tuj] Yes
- Tuj - [I Say, Porter] It was clear.
- I Say, Porter! - The National Health Service was rebranded nhs after the Advertising Standards Authority upheld a complaint that it was no longer national, healthy, or a service.
- I Say, Porter! - The Home Office has a webcam in every home.
- Phil - The Home Office is a converted cupboard under the stairs, with a 4-in-1 printer and a teak effect filing cabinet.
- Rosie - The Home Office has moved to Bough Beech Reservoir so as to be fit for porpoise.
- I Say, Porter! - The Home Office was created by Alec Douglas-Home and may be changed to 'The Douglas Office' as it no longer contributes to making you feel safe in your Home.
- Projoy - I always feel very safe in my Douglas.
- Projoy - I actually have two Dougli. One of them is at the top of the stairs, in a purpose-built cupboard, and the other one is at anchor near the coast of Georgia.
- Projoy - This game looks set to continue forever.
- Audience - *shouts, screams generally goes wild for Projoy*
- I Say, Porter! - ... has a clear idea of what is going on.
This is the end of the line. There is no more.