Celebrities are everywhere, but not all press is good press - you wouldn't want Anthea Turner at your housewarming, would you? How would you instruct her PR to stop her from appearing at your door with a bottle of Blue Nun? Rhyming, alliterative and cunning punning ways to stop celebrities turning up at your do, please.
Winning Move is Cancel Mansell.
ImNotJohn - Heather Mills MacCartney - Hop Off!
the 6-button collarless jacket please
Darren - Kenneth Williams? Matron, take him away!
Irouléguy - Donald Trump - take a running jump.
Software - Tony Handcock? Come back in half an hour.
Darren - Gloria Gaynor - turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome any more.
Rosie - Jenny Eclair - hope she's not there.
Darren - James Brown can funk off!
Rosie - Paris Hilton - 'S a bleed'n' 'otel innit?
Rosie - Isambard Kingdom Brunel - Who? No, come on, what's his real name? It's not that sort of do, you know.
Uncle Korky - I'll tell you what I
don't want - the Spice Girls.
Software - Tommy Cooper - drop dead!
[pen, UK] how's that for bad taste?
Phil - Stephen Hawking? Buzz off!
Uncle Korky - Jonathan Edwards - go take a running jump.
Rosie - Dr John Reid - Go home, secretary.
Phil - Jenny Agutter? Go walkabout!
(no, not really, Jenny, in case you're reading)
Uncle Korky - Patrick McGoohan - Number six, your time is up.
For anyone who remembers the old boating lake gag.
Botherer - Alan Sugar? You're fired, yer bugger.
Darren - I think we'll let Derek Bentley drop.
Darren - Sean Bean should not be heard or seen.
Phil - Bruce Forsyth! Nice to see you...no, not really
Rosie - Jose Mourinho - No, not special enough.
Uncle Korky - Lord Charles - you're going gack in the gox!
Sierra Mike - Lady Godiva - Sent to Coventry
[HB] L. Charles = V. Amusing
gil - Trigger - Get stuffed!
Ant'n'Dec - You two, too.
Phil - Take That? Take that!
Rosie - Nicholas Parsons - a deviation too far.
Software - Eamon Andrews - not on your life.
Rosie - Alexander Graham Bell - Don't ring us, we'll ring you.
gil - Bruce Forsyth - Bad to see you... To see you, bad.
Rosie - Steve Davis - No, not by a long chalk.
(SM) V. good!
Phil - Graham Taylor - do I not like you!
Sierra Mike -
Looks like I killed the game, so Sierra Mike - take a hike
Phil -
Getting personal :-) Rosie - don't be dozey!
Rosie -
(Calling up the Instant Rebuttal Unit) Phil - I've had my fill.
Kim - Hughie Green? Don't bother knocking (and I mean that most sincerely folks, I really do).
Robin - David Frost - Hello, good evening and you're not welcome.
Juxtapose - Take off, Hasselhoff
representin' for the States
Kim - The Likely Lads? Not likely.
Rosie - John Cleese - Oh, please!
What a cantankerous old fart he's turned into, sadly.
Knobbly - The artist formerly known as Prince... How are you spelling that?
Kim - [Apologies to Sierra Mike] Monica Lewinsky? Close, but no cigar.
Botherer - Serena Williams? New balls, please...
Rosie - Tony Blair - Hey, y'know, let me say this, like, piss off, vicar.
Software -
[Botherer] surely you mean Renee Richards?
Botherer -
[Softers] That one somehow passed under my gaydar...
Sorry sorry sorry...Bill Bryson? Nice try, son.
Chalky - Janet Street-Porter? I don't think you oughta.
Kim -
Whitney Houston? We have a problem.
Kim - Ooops, sorry, too bold.
Sierra Mike - Kim, be dim -
sorry, couldn't stop myself there
Sierra Mike - Willie Rushton - a dead loss
(I wish he hadn't rushed off)
Juxtapose - Willie Nelson, get back on the road again.
penelope - And before he gets too far down the road, can someone
cancel Mansell?
Audience -
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for penelope*
penelope - I just want a quiet night in!
Kim - Terry Waite? Too late!
This is the end of the line. There is no more.