Celebrities are everywhere, but not all press is good press - you wouldn't want Anthea Turner at your housewarming, would you? How would you instruct her PR to stop her from appearing at your door with a bottle of Blue Nun? Rhyming, alliterative and cunning punning ways to stop celebrities turning up at your do, please.
Winning Move is Cancel Mansell.
And so it begins...
Kim - If Brian Blessed brings a bottle, beg him to b*gger off.
I Say, Porter! - Francesco Totti? You must be potty! Dino Zoff? Please F*ck off!
penelope - Lock Dido in the Lido - but steal her towel.
CdM - [Marcel Marceau]
*stands with left shoulder facing front door, then rapidly moves right arm upwards and outwards into position perpendicular to body, while simultaneously extending index finger* Darren - Tell Tony Blair I'm washing my hair.
Darren - John Prescott is wanted not.
Kim - Oy! Whitehouse! No!
Darren - Elton John? Already gone.
Darren - Pink Floyd? Wish they weren't here.
Uncle Korky - Larry Grayson - shut that door on your way out.
Robin - Fat Boy Slim? Anyone but him!
Rosie - Sven-Goran Eriksson - I think he is unsuitable.
Rosie - Edwina Currie - Please leave, and hurry.
Darren - The Human League - don't I want them?
Darren - William Shatner can boldly go.
Uncle Korky - Come along, P T Barnum... this way to the egress...
Phil - Shakespeare? You're barred!
Phil - No, Van Gogh, I do NOT wanna buy a painting - I've gone one 'ere!
Rosie - Jeremy Paxman - who needs the mad verbal axe-man?
(Phil, your first) You should frame that. Top stuff. CdM - Thatcher? Back at'ya.
Chalky - Bar the way to Reggie Kray; stick a pin into his twin; give a shove-a to their bruvva.
Rosie - Ainsley Harriet - Get on your chariot.
Phil - Gerald Ratner? BOGOF!
Software - Wayne Rooney? Not that loony!
Kim - Tim Henman - come back when you've won something.
Kim - McCartney? Get back to where you once belonged.
Phil - Gustav Eiffel? To the Tower!
Chalky - Michael Jackson - beat it!
Sierra Mike - Dionne Warwick? Cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Robin - John McEnroe? You cannot be serious!
Phil - Younis Khan? Khan't!
Tuj - [Phil] Send back Inzamam-ul-Haq?
Kim - Larry Grayson? Shut that door on your way out.
Uncle Korky - Kim? Not him!
(Solely for a 100% copy of my Larry Grayson!) Phil - Freddie Flintoff? Get yer splint off!
Kim - Kate Moss?
*snort of derision*. [UK] Apologies.
ImNotJohn - Heather Mills MacCartney - Hop Off!
the 6-button collarless jacket please Darren - Kenneth Williams? Matron, take him away!
Irouléguy - Donald Trump - take a running jump.
Software - Tony Handcock? Come back in half an hour.
Darren - Gloria Gaynor - turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome any more.
Rosie - Jenny Eclair - hope she's not there.
Darren - James Brown can funk off!
Rosie - Paris Hilton - 'S a bleed'n' 'otel innit?
Rosie - Isambard Kingdom Brunel - Who? No, come on, what's his real name? It's not that sort of do, you know.
Uncle Korky - I'll tell you what I
don't want - the Spice Girls.
Software - Tommy Cooper - drop dead!
[pen, UK] how's that for bad taste? Phil - Stephen Hawking? Buzz off!
Uncle Korky - Jonathan Edwards - go take a running jump.
Rosie - Dr John Reid - Go home, secretary.
Phil - Jenny Agutter? Go walkabout!
(no, not really, Jenny, in case you're reading) Uncle Korky - Patrick McGoohan - Number six, your time is up.
For anyone who remembers the old boating lake gag. Botherer - Alan Sugar? You're fired, yer bugger.
Darren - I think we'll let Derek Bentley drop.
Darren - Sean Bean should not be heard or seen.
Phil - Bruce Forsyth! Nice to see you...no, not really
Rosie - Jose Mourinho - No, not special enough.
Uncle Korky - Lord Charles - you're going gack in the gox!
Sierra Mike - Lady Godiva - Sent to Coventry
[HB] L. Charles = V. Amusing gil - Trigger - Get stuffed!
Ant'n'Dec - You two, too.
Phil - Take That? Take that!
Rosie - Nicholas Parsons - a deviation too far.
Software - Eamon Andrews - not on your life.
Rosie - Alexander Graham Bell - Don't ring us, we'll ring you.
gil - Bruce Forsyth - Bad to see you... To see you, bad.
Rosie - Steve Davis - No, not by a long chalk.
(SM) V. good! Phil - Graham Taylor - do I not like you!
Sierra Mike -
Looks like I killed the game, so Sierra Mike - take a hike
Phil -
Getting personal :-) Rosie - don't be dozey!
Rosie -
(Calling up the Instant Rebuttal Unit) Phil - I've had my fill.
Kim - Hughie Green? Don't bother knocking (and I mean that most sincerely folks, I really do).
Robin - David Frost - Hello, good evening and you're not welcome.
Juxtapose - Take off, Hasselhoff
representin' for the States Kim - The Likely Lads? Not likely.
Rosie - John Cleese - Oh, please!
What a cantankerous old fart he's turned into, sadly. Knobbly - The artist formerly known as Prince... How are you spelling that?
Kim - [Apologies to Sierra Mike] Monica Lewinsky? Close, but no cigar.
Botherer - Serena Williams? New balls, please...
Rosie - Tony Blair - Hey, y'know, let me say this, like, piss off, vicar.
Software -
[Botherer] surely you mean Renee Richards? Botherer -
[Softers] That one somehow passed under my gaydar...
Sorry sorry sorry...Bill Bryson? Nice try, son.
Chalky - Janet Street-Porter? I don't think you oughta.
Kim -
Whitney Houston? We have a problem. Kim - Ooops, sorry, too bold.
Sierra Mike - Kim, be dim -
sorry, couldn't stop myself there Sierra Mike - Willie Rushton - a dead loss
(I wish he hadn't rushed off) Juxtapose - Willie Nelson, get back on the road again.
penelope - And before he gets too far down the road, can someone
cancel Mansell?
Audience -
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for penelope* penelope - I just want a quiet night in!
Kim - Terry Waite? Too late!
This is the end of the line. There is no more.